Tuesday, 26 August 2014

A child at heart

I'm essentially a child. I had gotten used, kind of, to the fact that I couldn't have access to my meds for my own safety. When I say gotten used to, I mean I had found a way to just not think about it too hard, to just accept it for what it is. But now, I've entered a hypomanic state. I'm not full blown manic - and it's fun. I feel happy, I have energy (I'm even knitting again!!!), it's great! And I talked to Andrea when it started and she agreed with my that my anti-crazy pills weren't needed. Granted she did say they weren't needed "yet" she didn't say not at all. So today, tonight, I guess I am displaying more manic up signs and she decided that I needed to take my pills now. Her and Craig agreed that I couldn't be trusted to make my own rational decisions, and that I needed to take them. I didn't want to. After every single manic episode I get depressed. I just got over a severely suicidal depression phase. I don't want to do that again. I don't think I can do that again. I want to enjoy being happy for once. I mean, logically, I get it. I'm a mom, I have multiple responsibilities, I need to be able to be trusted. When I'm manic - I can't really be trusted. But I ducking hate being treated like a child. Not only do I not get to be in charge of my own meds and have possession of them, but I don't even get to determine when and if I take them. At the end of the day I am not in control, I'm reliant on the damn pills. I'm sick of it. I want to be my own person, not weighted down by mental illness. 

I saw a shrink last week. I haven't decided if I'm going to back...

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Fat

I am fat. I am so so fat. Obese even. I've been trying to find suit pants and jacket for a new job but I'm too fat for anything. I need to lose weight. I don't want to be fat. Teo calls me fat (even though I know he doesn't know what the word means) and it hurts. 

I need to try, while I'm feeling decent, to lose weight. I need to start good habits now so that they are habits when I'm feeling down. Maybe it will help keep me level, keep me normal. 

I'm really trying not to let this weight thing get to me. I'm really trying to stay as positive as I can, but I also know that putting any attention on my weight has a tendency to bring me down, which is why I often just ignore it. I avoid my triggers when I know what they are. I can't keep avoiding this one, but how can I put attention on it and focus on my weight without letting it drag me into depression again. 

I don't know what I need or how to do this. I know for my physical health and sanity I need to lose weight, that's about all I've got right now...

Monday, 14 July 2014

I'm letting down the one person who has believed in me and held me this entire time.

It's all gone

What's the point

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Failure

Things are not going well - speaking bluntly. I feel trapped, alone, and hopeless for the most part. I did have a good day yesterday - which is the first one in god knows how long.

I am sitting on the verge of a manic episode, I can feel it there, and it comes out a little bit sometimes, but it's not fully taken over me yet. This must be what they call a mixed episode - because even though I'm heading towards mania, I'm still suicidal. I had a plan, method, and opportunity the other night - but Andrea stopped me. I was angry at first. How long am I supposed to hang on? Supposed to feel like this?

I went to see Wiggers on Monday, and was absolutely honest with him about everything i was feeling. He gave me divalproex to scare off the mania, and told me to come back next week. He is doing all he can, I really do have faith in him, I just don't think this is every really going away.

The memory loss from the ECT is getting so much worse. There are huge chunks of my life that I don't remember, and yet, ones I'd like to forget are still hanging on. I realized yesterday that I don't remember this past Christmas, like at all, I don't remember really any Christmases with my family. I am beginning to forget things that are making me feel quite awful. What kind of mother or partner can't remember certain things about their kids' upbringing. I don't remember when or how Kahlan or Teo started walking. I only remember Remy because there is a video of it. I don't remember how Andrea proposed to me. And the shitty part is, ECT isn't really even working anymore - or maybe it is and I'd be a lot worse without it, that's a scary proposition.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to try. I'm on the waitlist to try the DBT therapy again, it's supposed to be the best form of therapy for bipolar and borderline. However, it's two days a week, and I believe (if it still starts at the same time it did before) its at 2:15 and it's in Nanaimo. How am I supposed to get and keep a job if I have to leave twice a week right after lunch? *sigh*. We can't afford for me not to get a job. I have to work.

I'd like to try an intensive meditation retreat. However, vipassana, the one I want to try, says in multiple places they don't really like taking people with mental disorders. So am I supposed to lie, or just give up that idea?

Andrea is getting fed up with me. Not with me per se, but with what she perceives as a lack of trying on my part. She's all I have. She is the only person who I feel I bring a modicum of good to. My kids would be a hell of a lot better without my impatient, yelling, unfeeling self.

What do I do? I feel I've run out of options, and time. The time I had was when i wasn't working, and now I have to go back to work and I wasn't able to figure things out. I feel like such a complete and utter failure.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Forgetful and Progress

The memory loss is really getting worse. It's not that I can't remember my kids' birthdays or anything, it's little things. You would think that it's better that it's not big things, and maybe it is, I don't know. What I do know is constantly forgetting and having to be reminded of things every day makes me feel so broken. It's one thing to do it with Andrea or even Craig, but just the other day I completely embarrassed myself by not remembering that a friend at school had already told me she was pregnant weeks ago - so I was all shocked and amazed when I already was supposed to have known. How am I supposed to be a capable person if I can't trust my own head?

I had a major meltdown the other night. I had been feeling especially hopeless. My suicidal thoughts were more logical, and seemed the right thing to do. Up until that night I had tried to keep just how close I was from Andrea, but by what I was saying and the fact that I asked her if she'd ever give me her permission (as that was the only thing holding me back), I think she knew. She got rightfully upset and angry. I lay awake and slept off and on that night. The next morning things were tense between us, I went for a drive and did some thinking. I don't believe I can choose to be happy. But I do believe I can make myself do things that have the capacity to make me feel happy. I am trying this. It's been two days. It's working so far. I'm not feeling suicidal. I still don't feel 'happy' but, it's an improvement.

I'd really like to go to a meditation retreat. I can't exactly explain why I feel such a pull to do this, but I just feel it so desperately. There is a free one but it isn't until October and that's a long time away. There is another one that's much sooner but it costs $350, and I simply don't have that. I just feel like it would be so so good for me, and would help me so much. I feel like it's something I have to do, if that makes any sense. 

I'm having some, what I think are side effects from ect. I'm losing feeling in my right hand quite frequently, and am having perception issues - where things feel way bigger or way smaller, or closer or farther away than they actually are. 

I don't know if ect is working anymore, but I'm afraid to find out. I feel like it's actually damaging my brain, and that scares me too. I feel so lost when it comes to my own treatment - like I'm just along for the ride. I need to get some control back. 

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Worthless

So I went to that walk in Counselling at the health unit the other day. The guy I saw was nice but I don't think it really helped anything. He suggested that I would feel better about my life and myself if I had a job again - because I would feel I had a purpose. 

I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean I'd like to feel like I have a purpose, but I don't recall feeling like I had one when I was working. I felt like my purpose was to bring home a paycheque, but didn't really feel like I was valued where I was, at least not by myself. 

I don't know what I can to. I'm not doing this home thing very well, like at all. It's like I've forgotten how to be a stay at home mom. I'm doing more harm than good here, but there is nowhere for me to go. I have no skills. 

I went to the duncan farmers market this morning and talking to people put me in such a good mood. I felt lighter and happier, and just full of joy. I think I need to work somewhere where I am able to talk to people in person. 

Andrea wants to make and sell things. That would be tons of fun, but what would we sell? I don't feel we would make anything good enough, well I know I wouldn't, Andrea definitely would, I could sell her stuff. She has drive and motivation, I just want to sleep all day. She has the ability to learn new skills, I can't even get adequate at things I already know. All I'm good at is talking, that's it, that's my only skill. 

Going to counselling didn't help. The dbt group has a four month wait list. And ect is ruining my brain. I'm becoming more and more broken.

What's the point? 

Saturday, 26 April 2014

What's worse?

ECT is effecting my memory - in an extreme way. It is also changing who I am, how I feel, and how I think about things. I am not the same person I was before I started. In a way I suppose that's a good thing. I was a depressed miserable person before. But having who you are change without you doing anything is very scary and very hard to get used to. I lose my patience more, I get frustrated easier. I'm taking both of those out on the kids and Andrea and that really isn't fair. I didn't know who I was before, but now I really don't know who I am. All I know is that I am alive, and not suicidal every day any longer.

Suicidal thoughts come into my head still. Having that one bout a couple of weeks back really shook me, and i think made it possible for those thoughts and feelings to keep coming back. I am not suicidal, but I still don't believe I am worthy to be alive. I still believe I am destined to die young. It's like ECT is working, but I am just waiting for it to stop working. I honestly think I need some therapy or something. I think I need to work through these thoughts and feelings. The meds and the shocks are doing their job - I just need some help to do mine. We can't afford therapy though, it's bloody expensive. I think they have walk in counselling sessions at the health unit, I think you're allowed 10 of them. I think I should go and make use of those.

It's frustrating. To the outside person, to the people that don't know me I'm fine. I am a high functioning mentally ill person. It's hard. If I stopped functioning. stopped leaving my house. Stopped everything - people might actually believe there is something wrong with me. But I am able to hide my dark thoughts and feelings. I am able to contemplate and make a plan to kill myself while I'm cooking dinner or grocery shopping.

I don't know. I just wish this would all go away. I wish this would stop. I wish I could go back to a time where I didn't have all of these thoughts and feelings. I just want to be normal. I just want a day where I don't have a giant black banner in my head screaming at me how worthless I am. I need to learn to love myself, and unfortunately, ECT can't teach me to do that.