Lost

Yesterday was the first day in a while where I felt truly alone and lonely. Though I think Andrea was feeling the same way - which doesn't bring much consolation to either of us I'm sure.

We had a rough afternoon wherein we fought, about Ziggy, and then stopped talking to each other. When I get home I asked her two questions, about yarn, and those were the only words we really said to each other. I had to go out for a meeting, and when I got home she was already asleep in bed.

I think we, everyone, forget that even when we feel alone, sad, depressed etc we still have partners and children to care for. It's easy to get through it and care for the children, but we expect so much of our partners. We assume they will always be our rock, and always be compassionate - but the truth is they have their own shit to deal with. That's the case right now. This pregnancy has been more difficult for me than I imagined it would (also way better than I imagined it would be - very conflicting), and, historically speaking, I have become dependent on Andrea to help me through these rough times. What I realized yesterday, and for a while now, is that though I do need compassion and support I also have to be willing to hear Andrea's emotional turmoil and be there for her in more ways than I have been. Not to say I have been completely negligent to her needs, but I could have been a lot better of a partner yesterday. I think we both could have been. We were both so wrapped up in what we were experiencing that it was impossible to be compassionate with the other side.

Everyone falters, no partnership is without these issues, I am glad that today we have managed to work through it and are talking again. I know we can support each other, and I know we can be there for each other - it's just a matter of remembering that we both need each other.

I am one of those people

So my meds work well when I take them in the mid afternoon.

Here is my problem - remembering to take them in the mid afternoon. I have been cranky, irritable, fed up with life, and altogether an overall miserable person without motivation and it was only on my drive to work that I realized how long its been since I've taken my meds.

Here is the problem, I see them when I grab my lunch at around 10:00a, and think to myself "I am going to take those at 2" then I see them again around noon for some reason and think the same thing. Inevitably I get busy in the afternoon and forget, and then see them at 4:30 when I am packing my bag to rush home and I think to myself "I'll take these as soon as I get home" and then I get home, and inevitably I forget and don't remember until about 8, wherein I could take them but then I think to myself "that'll screw me up for tomorrow when I take them at 2" but then I forget the next day too.

Needless to say, I have been off them for a while and I think they along with this cough, plus my very late and thus making me crazy period have all contributed to my mood thus far.

I hate being one of those people that has to rely on medication. I was hoping there would be a day, soon, that I could start weaning myself off of these meds - but it doesn't look like that's in my future any time soon. I seem to need them to function at base level. This sucks...and note to self - take meds at 2 today!

Good for my psychosis

So Cliff, my boss at work, informed me that I have psychosis. I'm not sure this is the right term, it certainly rubbed me a bit the wrong way. Psychosis is defined as: "A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality." Which I guess partially describes me. When I am in a hypomanic state I do lose contact with reality a little bit. I mean I can still function but things are a little different, a little off. When I am depressed, I still exist in reality - it's just my reality is a sad one. Perhaps both are a form of psychosis because I am not living in true reality. I don't know - but I didn't like the word.

He also told me that being busy seems to keep my "psychosis" in check and under control. This I believe fully. When my mind and my body are busy I don't have time to think all the negative shit that is constantly in my mind. I can't dwell on it because I am doing other things. That being said, when I am in a 'normal' mood it is easier to be busy. When I am hypomanic it is super easy to be busy. But when I am depressed, it is near impossible. I cannot keep those thoughts in check, and that's what prevents me from being productive. So I am unsure as to whether the busy-ness is a result of being normal, or is actually keeping me from being depressed. It's a bit of a vicious cycle if you ask me.

Being in love with a bipolar spouse

I've been thinking a lot lately on what it must be like to be Andrea. To always be wondering if I am going to slip back into another deep depression, or be worried that I will go into hypomania and she will have to baby sit me again. It must be hard to enjoy the normal times.

I know she doesn't think of anything but the now in terms of my bipolar. I dont think she can afford to. If she thinks about the what might be or could be than she would always be on the guard. Or maybe she always is a little bit.

It's my biggest fear sometimes that I am not doing her proud, or not good enough for her because of my bipolar. I worry that she deserves so much more than someone who is broken. I don't think it would be fair to subject her to another one of my deep depressions. It was hard enough the first go around, I worry what will happen to us if I go through another one - which statistics tell me is likely at some point in my life.

Sometimes it makes me want to be alone, just me. I cant hurt the people I love most if I am not with them or around them. Sometimes I think it would be better if I were away from them all. That's impossible now, but I dont feel good enough for her. I feel like she deserves so much more. More than I can ever be.

Winning

I emailed wiggers about getting an increase on my modafinil - that's my wake up drug that was designed to give me energy in lieu of taking the multitude of caffeine pills I was taking. I still haven't heard a response.

I have managed to keep a depression episode at bay, I could feel it coming on - including thoughts of self injury and self hatred, and while it did hit me a little bit, I put my focus into my work and into knitting to help me distract myself from those thoughts. The trick is, for me, to always keep my mind busy. When it is not busy I have to chase down and contain the many negative thoughts that I feel. They are ever present, I just try to keep them in the back of my mind rather than the forefront.

I still haven't really been able to run, I tried a few days ago and got about 15 minutes in before I got this wicked chest cramp that would not go away and was affecting my ability to breathe properly. I opted to stop at that point. I'd like to try doing workouts again, but I am hating the fact that I will have to start at the beginning of level 1 again rather than halfway through it like I was before I had to stop. I hate having to start things again, but such is life when you are trying to get into shape.

I think part of my leg problems is my shoes. I now wear heels or slight heels to work - as per my talking to where they implied I needed to dress more office like. And in the heels my feet hurt like a bitch, but in the mini heels they don't hurt at all. However, when I put my flats on after wearing other shoes all day my legs and calves and knee really hurt. Maybe I can't wear flats anymore, and need to wear good supportive shoes when I am not in my dress shoes - I'll try that.

With the exception of that depression episode I managed to keep away, things are going well emotionally. I am not obsessing over my weight as much, and I am not self hating all the time. I am beginning to find joy in the every day stuff, and becoming more comfortable with chaos (kind of have to be in our house).

Weight and Sex

My weight is wrecking our sex life. Im so self conscious because of the way I look that I cringe when Andrea touches me. I LOVE when she touches me but I wonder if she is disgusted with my rolls, and folds, and creases. I wonder if she notices how large I have become, and if so how she can still be attracted to me.

I know it comes down to me needing to be confident in myself, and then I will be more comfortable. I have accepted what size I am. When I go thrifting I look in the big sections now instead of crying over where I once was. I have accepted that I am a 16 pant size (OMG). So I can accept clothes, I just can't accept being out of clothes.

That lack of acceptance is ruining our sex life. We dont have any for many reasons but one of the biggest has got to be my lack of confidence. Looks aside, confidence is sexy - and because I am without that as well, how can I expect her to actually want to be intimate with me. She believes me when I tell her how attracted to her I am, and god I am - she is stunning, and it's not that I think she is lying to me, I just done find myself attractive and thus have a hard time relaxing in my own skin. If I can't relax, I stay in my head.

What needs to happen is one instance of sex where I am out of my head and can relax completely. If I could get it done once than I would know it could happen, and thus would be able to relax more easily the next time.

I don't know how to make it happen that first time.

I feel more confident when I am doing something about my weight, and because I cant right now I feel even shittier about myself. I can't lose the weight because the stress of said weight on my body is causing it swell and be angry. I don't know how to go slow enough to actually lose the weight, while not adding stress on the body. It's a viscious cycle.

Stupid lard.

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated. My knee is so swollen and angry. It hurts nearly all the time. I can't squat, or kneel or anything the requires putting stress on it. This means that I can't do workouts or run - I was actually starting to enjoy running, and I loved the way doing workouts made me feel. How am I supposed to lose this weight if I can't do anything to be active? It feels like one setback after another when it comes to my weight and fitness.

I know I said before that one of my triggers that signals when I am going into a depression is my not wanting to work out. But I think not being able to work out can push me into a depression as well. I'm not there, but I can feel my mood being a little low. I was enjoying the endorphins, enjoying the progress. *sigh*