Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Looking Up

So I had emailed wiggers when things started to slip, on Andrea's suggestion, to see if we could up my prozac just to get me through it. He said yes, to double it, and I did - for one day and started experiencing symptoms of hypomania - so I stopped that. After hypomania, which is always fun, is a hard crash and that's what I was trying to avoid. I did also start going to Bikram Yoga and running. I alternate one each day, or at least I have been for nearly a week - I hope to keep it up. When I am running I am actually envisioning where I want to be, I can see my goals (fitness and body wise) and they actually seem plausible to me, and I am looking forward to not only getting there but working my way there. With yoga, not only is it too hot and hard to actually think any stress related thoughts, I am also pushing my body really hard in awkward positions, which I think I need. I feel like I am doing a hard workout while I am there, even if the interwebz tells me I am not and that it's useless. They both serve such different purposes, but after reading all the 'bad' things about bikram, and how stupid and pointless it is, it makes it hard to really want to go, plus it costs money (though I have paid for a two week trial), and running doesn't. I do think that doing two very different workouts for the body - one quick and one slow is good for it, and will probably help me lose weight. It has helped me mentally thus far - it has also helped my craving of pizza. I pretty much want pizza like every freaking night now. OMG I would kill for some right now.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

No No No No No Please No

Its a slide. Not a crash. A slide back into the familiar. A slide back into the dark. I can feel it. I've cried about it. I've tried not to over think it (I'm failing, I'm a chronic over thinker). I'm *trying* distraction techniques. There is still a way out of this, there is still hope. It doesn't have to end so soon. I didn't take the happiness for granted but I certainly thought it would last longer than it has so far.

Andrea is upset - rightly so. She thought the good would last longer as well.

I don't know what to do. I missed my drugs for one day. One Freaking Day. It's like my dark passenger was just waiting at my door, waiting for a moment of weakness to come bursting through again - and those drugs, those were keeping my door shut. It got through, at least part way. It's here, at least partially.

Andrea suggested a work out - which I did last night, to release the endorphins and everything. She also suggested yoga as I had said that might help in the past. So many reasons not to do yoga though - cost being one of them. I'm trying to keep myself busy at work, I need to keep myself busy at home.

I don't think I can fight again. I haven't healed enough, I'm haven't built my strength up yet. I can't go through another full blown depression episode. I have a new job, I have responsibilities, I can't afford a depression episode right now.

I need to keep it away. I need to find strength. I have to do this. I'm not ready. It's not fair.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Familiar-ish Feelings

I'm experiencing, lately, some of the feelings I used to feel all the time before while depressed. Jealousy, insecurity, anger, resentment etc - but they all feel so different. Before when I was angry with myself I would go into a hate spiral, probably cut or starve myself and just let myself be consumed by the hatred until it had sucked everything from me. Now, I feel self hatred, only parts of me are motivated to actually try and fix it rather than just dwelling in it. It's weird. I don't, as of yet, have any tools in which to do this, but it's a start I think. Same thing goes for insecurity. I use to feel insecure all the time, but when I felt it I would view it as a sign of weakness and then use that as a reason I should not be alive anymore. I still view insecurity as a sign of weakness, but more in the sense of there is something I can do to improve it rather than this huge personality flaw that is destined to be with me forever.

It's a weird shift. It's hard not to worry that I will be sucked back into depression's grasp by feeling some of these more negative feelings, but it is foolish to believe that I can go through life and never feel anything negative. I have to learn how to handle these more negative emotions in a more positive healthy way, and I think having some motivation to do something to fix them or better myself is a great beginning to what is sure to be a very long journey of mine.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014


You know, being down is easier. It's easier because it's normal, it's what I'm used to. At the same time that it's easier it's also impossible because I don't want to be alive any more and it's painful in mental, physical, and emotional ways. But it's easier. I know what to expect - even if dealing with it is astronomically difficult. Now that I'm "well"...things are harder. I live in constant fear pretty much of something, anything, affecting my mood and starting a downward spiral back into a depressive episode. I worry I'm not getting enough sleep, I know I'm not drinking enough water. I worry when my patience with the kids wears thin, I worry when Andrea and I seem to frustrate each other. I know it's going to come back, but I need to learn how to live the inbetweens not in fear but instead in appreciation for what I have in the moment. That is proving challenging for me.

I also haven't adjusted to being happy, being well. It's a wonderful feeling. I can actually feel the happiness in my body, physically, most of the time. But I'm not transitioned to it fully yet. It's like I have to re-get to know myself. I saw a video in which the guy speaking said the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality - and I realized how true it was. When depressed I don't want to, and frankly don't, do anything. Sometimes I want to do things, but I don't really, I can't make myself. Now that I am out of that - I have to find what I like doing again. The ECT has changed the things I like doing, it's changed who I am, so I have to get to know myself and find hobbies, and activities that I like. I know that means trying things, but I am so afraid of failing because what if the failure catapults me into another depression. I know the things I used to like, and I'm trying to pick those up again, but I am wondering what else is out there.

My whole family is having to adjust too. It's hard on everyone, and sometimes I forget that. Just like I have to get to know myself as a new person - so do they, and that's going to take some time.

This whole thing just sucks - I mean I'm glad I'm doing well now, and I'm sure my family is fine with making the adjustment because I am doing better, but really, I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this at all.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014


I think I'm doing all right. For the majority of the last couple or so weeks I have been mostly stable. There is still the constant insulting and putting down of myself that goes on in my head but that's typical and normal for me. My moods though have been pretty constant - I think I might have found something that works. This prozac and latuda combo might be the one I've been looking for all along. However, about 1.5hours after taking it I get this extreme fatigue and exhaustion so I switched and started taking it at night so I wouldn't be falling asleep at my desk at work. It's only been a couple days of that change. Andrea is paranoid that it will change how it works, but I felt I needed to try.

Wiggers also sent in the forms for the Viassanna meditation course I want to take. He emailed me and told me I had two (or more) disqualifying conditions but that he asked them to make an exception because he thinks I can handle it. He really is a great doctor. I have the upmost respect for him.

I need to get a hold of my bitchiness - I feel I have been a bitch to most people, including myself, lately. I just feel so aggressive and cranky inside. Right now I am going with still getting used to being back at work - but I don't know how much longer I can use that excuse....

Thursday, 27 November 2014

I don't think I'm ready for therapy

I went for my intro session with a holistic counselor last night. He uses focusing, parts work, and core transformation to help guide people through things. He made some comments that made me think he wasn't a fan of people taking medication, and said he didn't have a lot of experience with serious mental illness. This kind of set me aback a little bit. I don't need someone to be an expert, but I want them to feel confident that they can help me - because I sure don't.

We did some focusing work. I found my happy place (I named it that), found some inner strength and asked myself what it was I wanted to work on. I was bombarded with things and overwhelmed with the shear magnitude of what seemed like all my problems. I didn't know how to pick just one. It felt like there were so many more problems than my storage of inner strength could handle. He asked me to go into that feeling and see what it wanted. It wanted to take all hope, to kill me, and to succeed into oblivion. So that's fantastic.

I realized though, that I am not sure I am ready for therapy. I don't know that I can count on myself to actually do the work that I need to do. For this, it's 15 minutes a day - and I know it doesn't sound like much, but I can't see myself actually doing that. Maybe it's because I don't think it will work. Maybe it's because I'm afraid it will. I don't know. I just don't want to waste time and money on something that I am not going to do the homework for. I'm not sure what to do here.

Monday, 24 November 2014

Ups and Downs

Oh My Life.

So I saw wiggers, and I lied to him, told him everything was okay and that I didn't want ect regularly, but would do it on an as needed basis. I told him where we had moved and he called my life idyllic. He seemed to happy that I was doing well and made the assumption that I was better before I even spoke. So I didn't want to disappoint him. I did email him later and confess, and still maintained that I didn't want ect.

I got quite bad, and quite low. I wrote a letter, it's in my drafts in my inbox, and is still there. It's the first time I've actually completed one, usually I just start them, but this time I did it all. I even tested out knives to see if any were sharp enough - they aren't. And then I chose to go upstairs and hold Andrea really tightly and ride out the awful feelings. And they passed. And now I need to make a place to get through another down. Every time they come - I get closer, and don't think I can get any closer than I was, I need some time to distance myself.

As a fun aside, I feel the beginnings of a hypomanic episode starting - which usually always indicates a crash when it's done. So I am trying to head that off and stop that. Even though I really enjoy the increase in energy, and the feel good feelings. It's nice to feel good, but I know it's not good for me in the long run. At least right now I know that. If I get 'higher' I may not know that, and may just want to ride it out like I have in the past, that's really not good for me. So I'm keeping tabs on it, checking my thoughts and actions.

This is my life - and it's exhausting. I emailed wiggers about that meditation course I want to go to and he said he would fill out the forms for me, so I put myself back on the waitlist. I also emailed several counselors and therapists and am meeting with one of them this wednesday - we will see what comes of that. I am not sure how I feel about doing therapy again - for a variety of reasons, but everyone things it will help me so I will try. I do want to get better, and in my better moments I believe it's possible. That's why while I'm feeling good, but not too good, I want to try to do everything I can and set up everything I can to keep myself this way. I am no help to myself when I am down.

Every day is another series of breaths.