Monday, 24 October 2011

4 days

I have been heavily suicidal for four days now. I have made a plan even: thankfully I got through my 'deadline.' I have sent my psychiatrist an email, and phones him twice in the last week. He's busy I guess - because he hasn't gotten back to me.

Last night I went to a local crisis center - and they were closed. I called the 888 hotline, goodbye pride, and spoke to the 21yr old who can only speak to me with predetermined scripts. She forwarded my name and number to my local crisis line. 15 minutes they call me back and said that because I'm not going to kill myself right.this.second there really isnt anything she can do. She will leave a note for dr. wiggers and see if he can give ma a prescription for a prn medication. That was it.

I will be on four medications now.

I cant get help unless Im going to kill myself immediately, and I know I wont call or go anywhere if I have pills or a knife in my hand. So..how am I supposed to be proactive.

I hope he gets back to me today. Things are rough.

I have no motivation to work, and in fact have just been sitting here dabbling minimally in actual work because I honestly just.cant.care.

I want to go home, hole myself up in bed, maybe knit - but probably just sleep. I feel safe in bed, and sleeping is my only escape from my personal misery.

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