Friday, 28 October 2011

Of Epic Proportions

I was at a crossroads last night. I had the potential, the very real potential to end my life - and I seriously considered it. The only reason I didn't was because we have just bought a house and I didn't want to stick Andrea and Matt and to a lesser extent Craig with that responsibility. But what happens next time if that's not enough of a reason? What do I do then? I really don't want to die. Well, a part of me does - I just cant handle having more days and nights like this. I can't handle needing to take pills to numb myself, to make myself happy, or to merely survive. Its a pitiful existence and frankly, in my mind, not a real existence at all.

But I have the numbing pills - they are what Im supposed to take when Im suicidal. So when am I supposed to go to the hospital? This is all so confusing. I pop a pill to disassociate - but it doesnt actually make the problem go away, it just makes me unable to perceive them in a meaningful way. I cant stay numb and high for the rest of my life. And when I come down its even worse - because I know what I have done to myself and I realize that its only because of a tiny white pill that I managed to be happy for 2 hours.

So why not pop another one?

Hello addiction - thats how it starts. Even if you arent chemically addicted the fact that you can only feel happy on the pill makes you want to take it more. Happiness, if even fake, is something I want to hold on to - but I cant afford for it to go away - when it does, I'm even lower than I was before.

I'm lost in a giant sea of pills and suicidal thoughts. I feel like I'm drowning today. Andrea doesn't have the resources to save me - I've used them all already.

I'm scared.

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