Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Back at Work

I feel so off and awful today. I want to stay in bed. I am angry. I am cranky. I want to quit my job. I want to quit life.

Craig and Andrea talk about me behind my back. More to the point Craig is afraid to talk to me so he brings all his concerns or whatever to Andrea who then relays them in the nicest way she knows how, to me. So craig will never say anything - and Andrea is forced to. So I end up feeling irritated at the both of them.

On top of that, they have hired two new people at work, and with my work level already suffering because of my depression I feel its only a matter of time before I get fired - so much for that raise. Whats the point?

My insides are all quivery, and things just don't feel right in my body. I can't explain it in a way that makes sense. Maybe that's how seroquel is supposed to make me feel. I still feel feelings though - I've already cried.

To show them, or something - I really dont know what, I used the little knife that I had to ask for permission to use to cut my leg. It was a crappy cut and it took a long time because those fuckers aren't that sharp - and they will never know, but I had to do it. Had to exert some control.

Maybe that's my depression, and it probably is, but idk - I had to do it.

I feel like everyone thinks I'm not capable of anything. And maybe I'm not. Maybe I need someone to tell me what I can and cant do for a little while - but then they need to tell me that instead of just acting that way.

This is all just stupid. I feel less like me than I have in a very long time, I'm not anywhere near as suicidal as I was - or at least not as sadly suicidal as I was, but I don't feel like me at all. And maybe that's why I'm angry. Because the me that exists somewhere is screaming to get out but just cant.

I miss me.

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