Thursday, 17 November 2011

Cause Fucking Up Takes Practice and I feel Im Well Rehearsed

I made a mistake - but I didn't know it was a mistake at the time. Even now I'm a little bit unsure. I know I hurt her, I know she is upset. I cant blame my mania - but I know that's why it started.

I went manic, and in looking at my history I tend to crave attention from Men while manic - wiggers thinks this kind of explains my sluttiness and what not when I was younger. I went manic, knew that Tom had interest in me, and I exploited that for attention. Nothing more than flirting, I do like the guy - I do consider him a friend, he isn't ugly; but not in 100 years would I ever want to do anything with him. But I flirted with him, and he did back. I thought I had told Andrea about all of it 0- I guess I wasn't clear enough, and in that regard I guess it was dishonest. But it wasn't done on purpose. I thought she liked that all the guys in the warehouse liked me. I thought she liked the fact that though they wanted me, she *had* me. Maybe she did, but I guess she didn't know the extent..Idk. I feel awful because it really was just a game. To be honest, if my mania lasted any longer it may have gone farther, and that thought - even then - scared me. Which is why I told Ken about all of it so he would 'keep watch' at work so to speak. IDK..Nothing and no one is more important than her.

Then there is the smoking thing. Yes I still smoke - when I'm stressed. I thought I had told her that. I've never lied about it. No I didn't tell her every time I had one - am I supposed to? Idk. Maybe I don't know to what degree we tell each other things. I didn't think I was being dishonest. When she asked, I told her. I didn't intentionally change my clothes, wash my hands or anything to try to hide when I had one. I wasn't trying to hide anything.

I feel caught off guard, and I guess she does too. I'm trying not to make this about me because it isn't. She is the one upset. My mania caused the issue with Tom, and I was the one who did it. Its not my fault, but it is my responsibility. I'm now trying to not let my depression consume me with thoughts of our relationship ending, even though I fear that's a strong possibility. I'm trying to remain afloat, to keep control.

I have no idea how I am supposed to go home and not be awkward. She wouldn't even kiss me. I don't blame her. But I have no idea her thought patterns. I'm scared. I always jump to the worst conclusions. I'm trying to remain calm, and not break down and cry - though I've done that already too. I wait. As with every other time I have screwed up with her, I wait. I've screwed up a lot..I didn't realize that until right now...MJ, yelling at the kids, Joel, my drug relapse, taking my anger out on her, tom and the smoking thing...whats going to be too much..Eventually I'm going to push her over the edge. It's really my own doing...and I fall farther down the rabbit hole.

I want us to be men. I want us to fight and punch each other and then be fine. But I know it wont be like that - I have no idea how its going to be, and that fact scares me more than a little bit.

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