Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Choices

"You and I decided to try to keep you life as normal as possible with a short hospital stay and back to work again. If that is too much, we could look at a longer stay up to 3 weeks to really give you a recovery period.

I emailed wiggers this morning just to give him an update on how I was feeling. Now that my mania has subsided, I'm back to being depressed. So much for normal eh? But I've been off meds that are supposed regulate the depression for a week now - just started back on them today. So it makes sense that its back. I guess I had been hoping for a reprieve of sorts? IDK..

I can see it draining on Andrea - greatly. I can feel it draining on me. Not feeling good enough. Like I'm not trying hard enough, or am enough. Wiggers and I had discussed me staying longer until I'm more under control. But we need the money my income brings. I don't actually want to be away from everyone. But with a few minor exceptions I feel I'm doing more harm than good by staying.

I don't want to go back either. I don't want to fit in. So what do I do. Am I crazy enough to say I need to go back? Should I check myself back in? Should I give myself another 5 days on Prozac and see if that works? If not, then what. We're moving. Can I wait until after we move?

I don't know what to do. I have no idea where the best place is for me. I just want to get better, and want Andrea to not feel so stressed, or give me those looks she gave me last night. I miss her. I miss her so terribly. I ache for us.

Plus most of my stressors come from home, so how can I deal with them while I'm away. IDK..Im so confused. I so wish this wasn't my life.

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