Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Control

I didn't want to take it. I wanted to pretend to take it. To store them up. No actual plan or anything. Just to rebel, to act out, to have control. The next 6 months of my life are on these pills and I have no control over them. Its hard. Its hard to give up that much control. Control of my happiness, my stability, my mood - all in the hands of Andrea who gives the little white pills. I'm not blaming or mad at Andrea - I've asked her to do this, as has Wiggers, and it needs to be done for my safety. I still don't trust me and my depression or my addiction - its just hard.

I can also get diet pills, if I gain like 5 more pounds, its tempting to just gain the weight so that I can get them and lose the weight that I've gained in the last like 6 months. I miss my smaller clothes. I don't even need to be 110, I just want to fit nicely in my 28's and where the clothes I used to wear. I just want to feel a little bit good about my body and being in the 140's as I am now is just disheartening. Evidently, I'm okay with cheating my weight down.

I'm still craving to find something for me, something that fills my cup. I think that's why I've thrown myself to into cheap reno's for the house - I know its something I can do. I'm excited to make it our own - make it our home.

I waiver on the kids' school. I so want to be involved. I know how cliquey and community private schools are - and they require a lot of effort. I know Andrea doesn't have the energy to do it all, and I want to. But I don't know how to and not feel like crap about myself. In order for our kids to have the best private school education the parents have to be involved, and it will be easier for all involved when we live there - but I don't know how to get over my own insecurities. And there are many; from relationships, to distance, to values, to involvement - I have a tonne.

Now that I'm padded from suicide, I need to start working on my personal issues. Break them down one by one - and I have no idea where to start or how to do it on my own. Its like I'm no longer drowning, but there is no one coming to my rescue - its just me and my life jacket keeping me afloat. Eventually my life jacket will fail or disintegrate. I need to learn how to swim.

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