Friday, 4 November 2011

Envy

I look around and I see so many people that have things that I want. Maybe that's why I'm depressed and can't get over it. I am not happy with what I have - so I just keep beating myself up over it. I could be better at some things, I could be thinner, I could be more motivated, I could be, I could be, I could be. I have all of these things that I know I *could be* if only I could make myself do them, try them, or learn them. But I don't - because I lack motivation. The lack of motivation causes me to not do them, which causes me to feel worse, which causes even less motivation. How do I break the cycle?

I have my seroquel in my bag. All of them. It's a nice and scary feeling of control and power.

I sit at work not caring about it, thinking of all the things I'd actually like to do tonight - looking forward to them in a way even...and yet I know, I know, the second I get home (or within 30 minutes) I'm going to be done, I'm not going to be able to handle it - and that will be the end of my evening and I will do none of those things.

I so want to finish the sweater that is now for Remy - even though it doesnt suit her in the slightest, and will not be getting ruffles. I so want to do a work out, thrash my way through it, be sweaty and tired, but feel amazing. I so want to start another sweater for Kahlan, another big project - something not finicky. I so want to sit and watch something and look forward to not working the weekend.

None of those things will happen. I will end up crying, end up contemplating killing myself, and probably go to bed early again. The jury is still out on whether I'll get out of bed tomorrow.

I hate wanting something so badly - but knowing it isn't going to happen.

I'm still waiting on that turning point. I still keep trying again - though its taking more and more effort to do so.

I want to live on Ativan.

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