Thursday, 24 November 2011

GingerKid

Ginger kid - a guy at my work, I like this name better than his actual name. Also suffers from bi-polar. I was talking with him this morning and he said from what it seemed that it appeared that my relationships with those closest to me are causing me more stress than the disorder itself is. I can never make the disorder go away, but I can find balance in my relationship.

I wonder if there is a support group for those whose family members or partners have bipolar or some other mental disorder. I think Andrea would benefit from it, and maybe in the long run our relationship would.

On top of taking an ativan before I went home last night, I also took one in the evening - to try and have a good night. I managed some semblance of normal for a while. But I feel so..not watched..but still..I don't know..like I am the cause of the problems in the home. I know I am. I know its been my issues over the last year that have dramatically changed my relationship with Andrea - but when I am feeling relatively normal, it still doesn't make those problems of the last year go away. Things aren't going to snap and get better between us. But I don't know what we do. How do we take advantage of my better-ness? How do we talk about difficult things without worrying that it will send me spiraling again.

Being bad was almost easier, we knew what to expect, now we are trying to create a whole new normal - and I suppose that will take time.

Still don't like how the meds make me feel. I can't wake up. I can't even process what time it is when my kid comes into bed, or when I have to get out of bed. I've been up now for 3 hours, and I'm still stuck in going back to sleep mode.

Prozac seems to make me more artsy. I have felt the need to paint for the past two nights. In the new house I want a place for me to paint that isnt away from everyone. I'd like to be able to paint in the evenings but still be with Andrea, still watch house or Glee. IDK...Balance...more balance.

I hate the way the drugs make me feel!

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