If I never told Wiggers about my actions with a belt..
If only I hadn't told Ken that wiggers wanted to see me..
If only I hadn't told Andrea about...
If I hadn't have gone to that appointment on Friday I wouldn't have been issued two Pink Slips which means they can hold me "involuntarily" for 30 days. I am on a weekend pass right now.
I spend my Saturday afternoon/evening going in between feeling elated over being home, to crashing after the kids let my emotional crap out of the bag, and if only I had been able to knit properly..If only..If only..
But two night I spent there - didn't see the kids. Only talked to Andrea, saw her a couple of times too. I painted with the crazies, talked to whoever would listen, knit, and read and tried to survive. I wasn't allowed to keep my knitting or my phone with me. My whereabouts were checked every hour, and meds dished out at the desk..just like at my mom's work. It was a long 48hrs. I've written extensively in my paper journal about my experiences. To sum up though...
I felt out of place, but comfortable. If not for the nagging and aching pain to go home it isnt that bad. But I missed my family - all of them. They were all quite welcoming, and asked a lot of questions - that I still dont like to answer.
For now..I am on that weekend pass. Not discharged yet. I go back monday..who knows what will happen then.
The olanzapine I was switched to only really deals with the mania...but what about the rage, or depression that creep in at times. I guess thats my job...I guess thats what I need to learn to handle.
I HAVE NO SKILLS OR TOOLS to deal with that.
I'm lost - again and still.