Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Mania

Holy Mania Batman!

About 30 minutes or so after I took an ativan it was like I switched into a manic episode. It continues now. I can't fucking sit still, can't concentrate. My mind is like in 8 different directions. I cant calm the fuck down.

I think I got like 4 hours of sleep last night. I laid there off and on, sleeping - not sleeping, just laying. Not thinking, just not sleeping. It wasn't bad like it used to be - no suicidal thoughts.

Fuck was it nice to wake up this morning and actually be able to wake up. No drowsiness, no dizziness..I just woke up. It was fucking awesome. I didn't wake up cranky or aggravated or down like I normally do. I even had a shower and wore nice clothes, make up and all. I even put a bra on again today. Its amazing to feel alive. SO fucking alive.

I's aware this is mania. I'm aware it isn't going to last. I'm aware I'm going to crash. I'm aware that my illusions of being better than most things aren't true. I'm aware of it all. Thing is - I don't give a fucking shit right now. Its nice to feel happy, and bubbly, and full of energy. Dave even commented on it at work - that I seem so happy. No one ever tells me how happy I look. I miss being happy - and I'm fucking going to soak up all of this until I crash.

I'm entitled to feel good.

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