Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The Other Side

I feel like I am on the other side. Like I've made a breakthrough of sorts. I'm feeling more like myself.

I did take my meds last night - had talked to wiggers all day, and we came up with something for me to try. I don't want to slip back to either of the places I was before.

I had a rough night though. Or evening. It all started because I started hating the way that I look. I've gained 45lbs in 7 months. I am now back to a place I NEVER EVER WANTED to be. Its disgusting, and makes me want to starve myself tbh. Then it continued with a parenting discussion. This time, I was the bad guy - we seem to take turns.

Its hard not baby squish, when she is growing up without me there. Im not there to watch her vocabulary grow, I dont witness all the things mom's normally do. Plus. I have been absent as a parent for the better part of a year. Its no excuse. And I dont do it out of guilt - its about not knowing *how* to parent who she is now. So I have to force myself to accept that my baby isn't a baby anymore. And that's hard to do - even for non depressed moms who see their kids all the time and are present with them.

So I was done. Went upstairs to go to bed. Took my pills. Wrote in my book. Poked holes in my leg because I needed some form of release. And went to sleep in my clothes without having brushed my teeth.

But hey - at least I showered yesterday.

I'm trying to remember that how I felt yesterday, and how I have felt for the majority of the day IS an improvement. And that though its hard to wake up again and I dont feel rested the pills are worth it. I'm trying.

And yet..even when I try, I still feel that its not good enough.

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