Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Shit

I made it through an evening last night. I had a slight anxiety attack before we started watching something, had to keep myself busy - but dammit I was actually downstairs for a good period of time. I feel proud of myself for such a small accomplishment. When I get to bed I felt so frantic, My entry in my journal is so all over the place, and giant. I was so frantic and I don't know why.

Then we went to bed. Andrea was upset because of the moving - and I felt powerless to do anything because a) I cant do anything, we are moving.. and b) I was in my own personal heartburn hell courtesy of the medication or something. I get it within 10 minutes of swallowing those pills. So that kept her up. And either our room is dry, or something but I get all stuffed up at night lately so I have been snoring - and I know that keeps her up, plus her dealing with squishy at night..she slept awful. Not that I slept better - but its my own fault.

I'm thinking maybe I'll sleep on the couch or something until I get this whole heartburn and snoring thing under control - that way she just has to deal with squish.

Wiggers wants a phone consult with me today - I'm over it - and it hasn't happened yet.

Got into a car accident on my way to work. Sigh. I so emotionally can't handle this. Its yet another thing we have to deal with - and its my fault. All my fault. They don't seem to care, but I can't stop beating myself up over it. And I have to go home and face them later. I fell apart after it happened. Could not stop crying. The cops suggested it must be shock. I just think its everything on top of everything. I just can't hack it. I thought I was getting a handle on things. I've been trying to look at the bright side of things, to be more positive, or something - but it's not working. I know life, like knitting, is not out to get me - it's me doing it - but I don't seem to know how to av
oid these situations. I always seem to get myself into trouble and I don't know how to stop.

Moving stress. Sleeping stress. Vehicle Stress. Money stress.

And then there is thin girl at work, who is essentially the thin version of what I want to be. And I do feel like I'm in high school again. She has two kids and is like a size zero, and wheres the clothes I always wanted to wear. I tried to try today - to not hide - to wear something I wouldn't normally wear to work. Even put make up on - that all went to hell with the crying after my accident.

I feel unusually calm right now - outwardly. Inwardly I feel like I am on the verge of psychologically breaking.

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