Friday, 25 November 2011

Something Awry

Back on the meds now. Obviously.

Had motivation at work and was making sales - gone now.

I get panicked..not panicked..Idk..

Something about the stillness of the evenings, or the face to face intimacy with Andrea just...makes my heart start racing. I love kissing her; and I can still feel that overwhelming need to kiss her - but the intimacy, the close contact, the quietness in the evening. It just makes overwhelmingly nervous and scared.

Its easier to be holed up in my room. I write in my journal, draw something quickly. Id like to be painting I think. But I always feel angry while I do it. I take my pills, last night took a tryptophan as well - and then just pass out with no effort of my own.

It feels like an escape.

Maybe I'm expecting to much or looking for the easy way out. Maybe I thought that when I felt better things would just get back to normal. I feel like I'm heading down a downward spiral right now. I feel lost, and not all together here.

But it's the evenings. Andrea doesn't seem happy, and is always worried about me - rightly so - and I always end up screwing things up. She is tired of sitting and knitting. I don't know what else to do.

I need to finish that sweater. It is an emotional burden to me now. Now the knitting of it - the knitting is easy, its the actual garment. I need it and Kahlan's to be done. Its like those two projects are so interlinked to the hospitalization period of my life that I cant help but feel dejected as I knit them.

Maybe Andrea and I can go to the coffee store and knit for a bit - give me some new memories or something. I don't know. I need them done.

I need to feel like me.

I feel like this isn't something that I'm going to get over, but rather need to find a way to manage, to have under control. And I don't know how to do that. Meds? Therapy? Time?

I feel so lost lately. And feeling lost while stressed is not a good combo for me. I'm heading down. Drowning again.

Just because I feel that way doesn't mean I want that closeness to stop, not having it all would be worse.


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