Yesterday was apparently a success! I only hid upstairs once, only took one ativan, and only cried 4 times...that's a success for me now. Yay! It's so stupid. This whole thing is so stupid.
Today I woke up, and could not make myself get out of bed. I didn't even feel that tired anymore but I couldn't actually care to get out of bed. So I laid there, hid under my blankets and listened to Andrea parent - and felt more and more guilty as time went on. Even after my extended break I couldn't handle life. The house is in a constant state of chaos and mess and I can't do it. I can't be present with all the kids, can't clean all the messes - yet if I sit and do nothing than all I feel is anger, rage, and eventually overwhelming depression. I almost got there this morning..
And then I cleaned. And I attemped to saw a tire - and I got myself through it - yay, but in doing so I made Andrea cranky or whatever with me. And then we briefly talked about Christmas and I was something and irritated. And its all just stupid.
I just want to quit. I want to run away and be done. I am not even so depressed that I am crying all the time. But...I still do hate myself, even when I try to give myself permission to not. I still dont wan't to leave the bedroom ever. I still wish I could cease to exist and not have to deal with any of this. But I'm still here. Still hiding. Still suriving.
And this is better...