Thursday, 3 November 2011

Today - Redux

It takes me until about 2:00p to come out of some sort of fog. The type of feeling where I'm but a small part of myself. Even after the fog clears I still feel slightly unsteady walking, still slightly far away, still not quite all here. Of all the meds though, this one seems to be the most outwardly effective. I don't cry like I used to, I'm not down like I used to be.


That's only external. The suicidal thoughts are still there. They feel less impulsive. More like I am able to actually make a plan and carry it out instead of acting on a whim. The thoughts make more logical sense. I still can't actually write down the ones I had last night - they are too terrible to actually put somewhere where someone, someday, could read them. I know what they are - and that's bad enough.

I feel more normal I guess. In the sense that my negativity and downness is normal - it simply is what it is and this is my life. That is depressing. Maybe I need to fight harder?

I'm scared to go home. I almost want to take a preventative atavan. Just to pre-numb myself, just to enjoy one night without getting stressed or overwhelmed. Enjoy my family - be happy - even if its fake and even if it will wear off. If I had access to them I would take them, but how can I ask Andrea to medicate me when I don't need it. I just want to because I don't want to risk feeling bad. I think that's a legitimate fear.

I actually had a moment last night where I woke up - obviously half asleep and still quite intoxicated from the seroquel - where I rolled over and saw Andrea and got this overwhelming thankful feeling. I was elated, or as elated as one can be in that state that she was there. I remember wanting to reach out and touch her and thank her for being there. I was honestly surprised, and I don't know why, that she was there. It was such a sense of euphoria. I hope I actually did reach out for her, and tell her I was happy she was there.

I need to make this all up to her somehow. Need to make it up to the kids. I guess I need to make it up to myself as well - but I'm at the bottom of my list and that's half the battle.

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