Monday, 14 November 2011

What I didn't know is I was Killing you

I heard this song three times the day I was held at the psychiatric unit. It's now associated with it. Slightly Fitting. I guess.

I complain
When nothing's even wrong
And you're ashamed
Cause you're not quite that strong


That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
I miss your face as you can tell
I hope my absence makes you well

Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to

But I am older now
And I am sorry too
So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you

I am shy
I never speak a word
And you are numb
From all the things you never heard

That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
But now I own an empty space
And I can't fill it with your face

Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to
But I am older now
And I believe in you
So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you

Saw wiggers this morning. Was glad to see me better. I didn't confront him about the lie or miscommunication - what good would it have done. He put me on a combination of Prozac and the olanzapine. The former for depression the latter for mania.

When did my life get so regulated with pills.

I also take ativan 2-3 times a day..for a little while - until Im less crazy. So maybe all these pills will help. I need to help myself. I'm hoping that support group can offer me some insight. Wiggers is unsure of that - but it's worth a try.

I dont know how to put me first. In my head it makes PERFECT CLEAR SENSE to try and do all the things I am capable of doing to make sure those I love, who chose to be with me, are happy. I will sacrifice myself for Andrea because she can chose to leave. I will sacrifice myself for my kids; Im a mom and its what you do. I will even sacrifice myself for my acquaintances..

Why am I any more deserving of being happy if I can prevent their unhappiness? Isn't it selfish to see others in anger or sadness if I can do something about it?

Apparently though, everyone suffers when I'm not happy...so If I want them to be happy, I need to be happy..its all so confusing.

Where did I learn that my happiness comes last?

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