Thursday, 29 December 2011

Worrying Sucks

I'm not sure whats worse battling through your own demons, or worrying that your partner is on her way to battling her own.

I'm worried about Andrea. I'm worried, and have been for a while, that she is suffering but doesn't want to tell me because she still sees me as a depressed person. I don't know that I will ever be completely done with my dark passenger or done with this whole mental illness thing completely - I don't want her balling it all up inside because she is so worried about me, though I do understand her want to do just that.

Yesterday she told me she hated her life most days. My heart broke. Immediately I internalized this to "she hates her life with me" but then I realized what I was doing. I was over thinking it, and putting words in her mouth. There have been times when I have hated my life, but I never hated her, never hated being with her - it was life that was hard, not being with her. It was a nice revelation.

The effexor exhaustion is back with a vengeance. It's so overwhelming, and near impossible to fight. I hated it the first go around, this time I'm trying to be up front with people about it, and ask for help - and I hate every second of it. I asked Craig to drive home yesterday and felt like an utter failure the whole time, I hate that I am not as strong as thought I was or as I want to be.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Off and Angry

I don't even want to write today. I just am because I have nothing else to do at work. I'm so flipping angry this morning. It's not even extra energy, or doesn't feel like it - it just feels like built up aggression. I want to punch something.

Wiggers emailed me bac
k on Friday and 'compromised' with keeping me on the divalproex and adding effexor. I hated being on the effexor before - it had the most side effects of any of the medications I've tried. Yes, it worked the best for my depression, but it was so hard on me. If I was off in time taking my next dose the withdrawals would start almost immediately. Headache, weight gain, nausea, loss of libido, heightened anxiety, and what I deemed as effexor exhaustion - where if I sat for longer than 10 minutes I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Thus far I haven't experienced all of those, and maybe I won't, maybe it will be different this time around or when combined with the divalproex. I am trying to have hope - but still, its effexor. The only one worse than effexor for side effects was cymbalta, though lithium is pretty close too I guess.

Fuck medication sucks.

I drove an hour to work, worked for 3, and now have to drive an hour home. Such a pointless morning. Really could have used the money. *sigh* I gotta lift this mood before I get home, or do something when I get there to help myself. I have no ideas though, it just feels like its going to stick around.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Nothing Gold Can Stay

I'm so tired of being tired. Right now I am due to take my divalproex in 15 minutes, for the past 45, I have been trying so hard to stay awake and not fall asleep.

I honestly want some caffeine pills, or cortisol or something to keep this exhaustion at bay. It can't be fun to deal with me in the evening - the same thing happens then. It's furstrating on my end to want to be intimate with Andrea so desperately but then to be too tired to do it by the time we go to bed - I can't imagine how she feels having no control over the situation. And now it's become this thing, and I'm hyper aware of it so it's probably going to be worse.

I failed yesterday. I cut. Tiny one's. They so much don't count that I am disappointed in myself and almost want to try again to get it right. I'm resisting again today.

I had my DBT support group yesterday and was chastised for not taking my medication properly. *sigh* I mean I was supported but they were all shocked and wanted me to go get help or talk to someone. It's not like I haven't tried, wiggers is just away for a while. Until then, why can't I make my own decisions? I can deal with the tiredness a lot better than I could deal with the lack of feelings.

Other than that it went okay. We are going over interpersonal effectiveness and saying no and what not to people. I think that's a skill I need but it all feels silly and stupid and I have a hard time not thinking I'm above it - if I were though I wouldn't have been referred, I wouldn't be on medication, and I wouldn't have been hospitalized twice right? IDK..I'm trying.

At some point I am not sure trying will be good enough for myself or others any more.

I'm going to try not to stress. Not to stress about money, about Christmas, about stuff. I am going to try to be present with Andrea, and with the kids and just enjoy the holidays. They won't always be this little. They won't always stand in awe at Christmas lights that make music. They won't always be like this, and rather than focusing on all that needs to be done, or all the worry I need to try to enjoy it with them. Enjoying it with them also stresses me out.

Man I'm a nutcase.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do

I tried again last night. And then I tried again. And then I tried one more time. Restarted. I get overwhelmed easily.

I will lie awake

The urge to cut is so overwhelming today. I'm really trying to resist. Trying that tactic of if I want to in five more minutes, if I want to in five more minutes. It's been working for about 3 hours. I leave in 45minutes...I just need to hold out that long.

If you let me have my way I swear I'll tell you apart

Its taxing on Andrea. She can't keep up. Hell, I can't keep up sometimes. She thinks it's coming back sometimes. I do too.

I'm scared of a lot of things right now.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Chemical Inbalance

I had a panic attack driving home yesterday. Craig was sleeping. The accident must have happened at a vulnerable time, plus getting pulled over last week or something but every time I get into a vehicle I immediately have flashes of what kind of accident I'll get into, or what injuries I'll sustain, or how will Andrea deal with everything if I'm injured or incapable, and the insurance we don't have, and how will we pay for everything. This morning, we couldn't, or I couldn't see out of the windshield clearly until Chemainus. Craig drove anyways - I sat with my eyes closed taking deep breaths. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over this anxiety over vehicles that I have now. I hate it.

I need to find a way to have more energy. I'm exhausted by 8:30a and then again by 8:30p. I have no energy or motivation for work, and no energy or motivation for the evening. I could hardly keep my eyes open last night and I had every intention of actually having a good night with Andrea. Maybe I'll look into some caffeine or energy pills. I'm clearly not against medication anymore lol.

Negative thoughts have started to come back, and the influx is a bit scary. I had forgotten how real they seemed and obviously underestimated how far I've come from that very dark place. I see the dark thoughts now and can recognize them, and can, for the most part, ignore them or reason with them or simply breathe through them, but what if they get stronger? Again, where is that line, how am I supposed to know?

I must also be stressed or anxious about something as I have resorted to some bad habits. I'm not cutting or anything, but I'm biting the inside of my mouth and compulsively picking at my nails. I used to do that with my nails all the time when I was younger - it was a coping mechanism, and at one point got so bad that my mom tried various methods to get me to stop - including painting my fingers with this disgusting coating so that they would feel and taste gross. It was humiliating - but I guess it worked. I don't know the source of that anxiety. I seem to bite my lip at work, and my nails at home.

*sigh* why can't I just be normal.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

DBT, ECT, And Depression

I'm worried its coming back. I had a bad night last night. It was a flashback to all those nights that I put myself to bed early. Only this time, I didn't draw or knit; I wrote a quick entry in my journal and went to bed - alone and sad and scared for today.

What if it's coming back? What if I really need all that medication? I can't handle the person I was when I was on it, but I can't handle being that depressed again.

Maybe it was just a bad night. How will I know, what is considered too many bad days, I wish there was some sort of logical chart or table that had all these answers and steps to follow when things get rough. I'm worried I'll sink so low and the depression will make me not go on the medication, but I'm equally as worried that I'll go back needlessly just out of fear.

I went to that DBT support group last week, that's the emotional regulation one. Given that I wasn't able to feel emotions at that time it was pretty pointless. I felt out of place and like an extreme outcast. There was even a girl from high school there - which made me feel even more isolated. I felt like I didn't belong. I hate not fitting in, and yet I have no idea how to fit in.

It's all about recognizing triggers, and watching your own behaviour, and breathing, and picturing yourself in calmer settings. It's all about getting rid of the large overpowering emotions that tend to cloud everything else.

What about the smaller minute emotions that slowly eat away at you, that you don't even realize are there? What if the big emotions are so big that you can't breathe through them. I don't know - it doesn't feel like a good fit for me, but it's only been one session. I'll go for one module - that way someone else can take my place if I drop out. I'll keep trying, and keep giving it my 100%.

Over at bipolar knitter , she has been undergoing ECT and its very interesting to read her experiences. Reading others' trials through ECT has always been scary for me. They have either been overwhelmingly positive, or negative - and neither of those seem completely true or realistic. She paints what seems to be an accurate portrayal.

Maybe I need to be in the thick of a bad depression to warrant them though. I don't want to lose my memory and cognitive abilities if I don't need to. People have always liked me and valued me because of my intelligence, what if ECT were to diminish that? Sometimes my intelligence feels like all I have. What's the point in having a smart mind if I can't control the negative thoughts though? I don't know - like most things. It's still an option.

Wiggers gets back on the 28th - I doubt I'll hear from him right away, but hopefully soon.

Maybe I am getting better...?

Monday, 19 December 2011

Part of

I am back on the divalproex. There must be a reason I'm on the medication, and since wiggers is away until the 28th I've made the decision. I don't want to take the risk of going manic on the prozac, and the zyprexa was just creating too much havoc on my life. If I start to go manic, I need to take the zyprexa. I hope I can see this coming with enough foresight to take it. I'd take 10mg in the event of a manic episode - the same dosage they gave me when I went to the hospital on the seroquel mania.

It is beyond wonderful to feel feelings again. I've cried, I've laughed, I've loved. I have enjoyed sex, though I ended up frustrated at my inability to orgasm. It's nice to feel I have some semblance of normalcy back.

I get overwhelmed when it comes to things. I can handle mess. I can handle things. It takes effort but 7 times out of 10 I can do it - put those things together though and I simply can't. Our house still isn't completely settled and unpacked, there isn't a flow to it being cleaned yet (in the green house the person who did the kitchen swept the dining room, in my head it makes more sense now for the person who is doing toys to do the dining room) and that combined with Christmas chaos and stuff means I feel in a constant state of being overwhelmed.

Yesterday I tried to fight it by taking an ativan, and that just through me off for the whole night. I was off when we went to the trains, and don't really have memory of coming home, dealing with Kahlan, or laying with Squishy - but I fell asleep with her. Woke up, thought it was like 2am, went downstairs, everyone was still awake. I made my lunch..somehow...but didn't think to brush my teeth or clean the cat box. I went to bed, and I think I wrote something, and went to sleep. It was all very sad and very confusing.

I don't know what to do about my Christmas anxiety. I don't want it to turn into another depression, but I don't know how to calm it down.

Friday, 16 December 2011


I haven't taken my medication since the evening of the 14th. I'm one and a half days without it. Nothing of note yet. I feel slightly more anxious or irritable but that could be lack of sleep, dehydration, Christmas stress - any number of things.

Point is - I was done having them make me feel the way that they were.

They have taken all the good that was left and reduced it to nothing. I have no sex drive, none at all. I used to crave orgasms, need them, now - It's like my libido is all gone. I hate it. Andrea suffers, I had honestly hoped that with all her moving stress she hadn't noticed how long its been...she has.

I don't act like I'm in a relationship with her, not because of overt act, but just because of my general attitude - which isn't on purpose. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone right now.

I mean its been good in a sense. I got a speeding warning the other day, and I was the outcast at the kids' school yesterday but I didn't care. But without emotions...who am I? I know I am not my emotions, but at the same time - I feel nothing without them.

I know I'll end up back on them or something. I know I should email wiggers and tell him - but he has more pressing patients than myself. When I was really down had I known there was someone like me stealing his time, when he could have been answering my emails I would have been livid.

Maybe I needed the control. IDK..everything I've read speaks of the dangers of just stopping this medication. I know the risks. But it's my choice.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

What it has taken

Mental illness has taken a lot from me. It has taken a lot from my family. But I didn't realize until yesterday just how much.

Andrea doesn't look at me anymore.

Well, she does, but not like she used to, and not every time she walks past me like we used to. We exist. She called us roommates. And I guess we are.

It has taken what was once untouchable, powerful, and indestructible - our relationship, and whittled it down to a barely recognizable state. I miss us. I guess I always had the thought that we would make it through everything, that nothing was a big deal. I had that much faith in us. I still have faith in us - but it's going to require a lot more fixing and a lot more effort than I originally thought.

It's a double edged sword in a way. A stronger relationship with her would help get me out of this, but being waist-deep in the thick of depression has strained our relationship so much it can't help it anymore.

Does she even look forward to me coming home anymore, save for the relief from the kids?
Does she even want to snuggle with me at night?

I still feel the same powerful feelings for her, but I guess like all things with me right now - they are muted and quieted as a result of my medication. I would do anything to make her happy, and I hope she sees that.

Lately though, I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough. Nothing will be as good as her life could have been with the boys, in the green house, with Dave. That's a weight I will carry for a long time. It's my own burden, and my own doing. But I will not stop trying to be good enough.

My biggest fear is that she regrets it now.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Clothed and Covered

I've given up in terms of my weight. Before it used to depress me, but now, I just can't care. I've gained 50lbs in like 8 months. I'm already large. Wiggers says we will deal with it later, and I guess, emotionally I'll deal with it later - I've done enough crying and obsessing over it. This is my body, as it is, right now - and I have to accept that. Because of a myriad of reasons, the biggest being the medication, followed closely by the depression as well, I am overweight. I weigh more than I want, and more than I used to. It isn't forever - but it is for right now.

I also want to change my hair. I want to stand out. I want to feel different. When I was thin, my thinness got me noticed, but now..I've sunk to the pit of average and I just want people to acknowledge my existence. I fear being forgotten in a serious way. It's why I liked dreads (other than the not having to do my hair factor), people noticed me. Apparently, I need people to see me. I'm that much of an attention whore.

IDK..I guess I'm just feeling average. And that combined with the whole blahness of my emotions lately makes me crave excitement, crave life. I just want to to feel something yk?

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Where did it go

I have large chunks of my life missing from the last few months. I can watch an episode of Glee or House and not remember what happened the week before. I can't remember things - at all. How am I supposed to make decisions, how am I supposed to know who I am if I can't remember my own life? I simply can't recall things - like they didn't happen. This is what all this medication has done to me.

Mental illness has stolen my life, and medication has made me forget it.

I'm sick of this.

I was worried about the potential of ECT on my memory but if its happening anyways, without my knowledge, or without me expecting it than why not go extreme. Why not get my brain shocked and see if I can be done with this once and for all - at least for now anyways. I'm tired of medication.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Not Me

I am not me anymore. I don't feel like me, I feel so not me..but at least I'm not suicidal or manic right?

I don't even know why I write anymore. I have nothing to say, and who cares anyways?

Maybe its the drugs, maybe I've given up, maybe I'm actually better. Who knows.

All I know is that I don't feel like me and I hate it

Monday, 5 December 2011


My meds changed again. I'm off the clonazepam, and on divalproex instead. Been on them for about a week now. I feel..blah. I don't really know how I'm feeling. I feel numb. I think its a partial shut down to be honest. The move took so much out of me. I was sadder than I ever thought I would be to leave that house, and have cried about leaving. Plus, physically, moving took everything out of me. I still don't know how I kept my body going. Mentally, I am overwhelmed with things that need to get done, and stress over money. So I think a part of me has shut down in order to keep going.

Andrea thinks maybe I have been so busy I haven't had time to be depressed - I like this theory - though it scares me. What happens when I'm not so busy..what if it comes back?

She also theorized that the panic feeling I feel sometimes, and it is panic, My heart hurts and races, is because I am stuck. This is very possible. We bought the house - so if something happens to us financially, or whatever we can't just move somewhere cheaper. We are stuck - and maybe that terrifies me. In fact, I know it does. I don't like this stuck feeling. Maybe that was a subconscious reason I didn't want to own a house ever.

I have felt some regret. Some thoughts of wishing we hadn't done this - but we have, and its done - and if this damn panic feeling would go away I'd feel better.

Moreover, if this blah feeling would go away I'd be more me. Andrea said I smiled like I used to a few days ago - it was wonderful to hear that. But at what cost? She has also said something seems up with me. I think its because I don't really feel like me. I mean I do, but I feel...blah. That really is the only word that exists to describe it. She is worried that something is up, but I smile like me this is me..maybe this is the new normal..idk...

I feel lost again. Lost and blah.

And I'm becoming more mentally okay with taking medications..which makes me hate myself a little. I ever wanted it to become normal or the usual. I never wanted to get used to it. I wanted to always kind of hate it. But I don't..perhaps that's a sign they are working...idk..

I don't know much these days.