Monday, 5 December 2011

Blah

My meds changed again. I'm off the clonazepam, and on divalproex instead. Been on them for about a week now. I feel..blah. I don't really know how I'm feeling. I feel numb. I think its a partial shut down to be honest. The move took so much out of me. I was sadder than I ever thought I would be to leave that house, and have cried about leaving. Plus, physically, moving took everything out of me. I still don't know how I kept my body going. Mentally, I am overwhelmed with things that need to get done, and stress over money. So I think a part of me has shut down in order to keep going.

Andrea thinks maybe I have been so busy I haven't had time to be depressed - I like this theory - though it scares me. What happens when I'm not so busy..what if it comes back?

She also theorized that the panic feeling I feel sometimes, and it is panic, My heart hurts and races, is because I am stuck. This is very possible. We bought the house - so if something happens to us financially, or whatever we can't just move somewhere cheaper. We are stuck - and maybe that terrifies me. In fact, I know it does. I don't like this stuck feeling. Maybe that was a subconscious reason I didn't want to own a house ever.

I have felt some regret. Some thoughts of wishing we hadn't done this - but we have, and its done - and if this damn panic feeling would go away I'd feel better.

Moreover, if this blah feeling would go away I'd be more me. Andrea said I smiled like I used to a few days ago - it was wonderful to hear that. But at what cost? She has also said something seems up with me. I think its because I don't really feel like me. I mean I do, but I feel...blah. That really is the only word that exists to describe it. She is worried that something is up, but I smile like me sometimes..so..idk..maybe this is me..maybe this is the new normal..idk...

I feel lost again. Lost and blah.

And I'm becoming more mentally okay with taking medications..which makes me hate myself a little. I ever wanted it to become normal or the usual. I never wanted to get used to it. I wanted to always kind of hate it. But I don't..perhaps that's a sign they are working...idk..

I don't know much these days.

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