Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Chemical Inbalance

I had a panic attack driving home yesterday. Craig was sleeping. The accident must have happened at a vulnerable time, plus getting pulled over last week or something but every time I get into a vehicle I immediately have flashes of what kind of accident I'll get into, or what injuries I'll sustain, or how will Andrea deal with everything if I'm injured or incapable, and the insurance we don't have, and how will we pay for everything. This morning, we couldn't, or I couldn't see out of the windshield clearly until Chemainus. Craig drove anyways - I sat with my eyes closed taking deep breaths. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over this anxiety over vehicles that I have now. I hate it.

I need to find a way to have more energy. I'm exhausted by 8:30a and then again by 8:30p. I have no energy or motivation for work, and no energy or motivation for the evening. I could hardly keep my eyes open last night and I had every intention of actually having a good night with Andrea. Maybe I'll look into some caffeine or energy pills. I'm clearly not against medication anymore lol.

Negative thoughts have started to come back, and the influx is a bit scary. I had forgotten how real they seemed and obviously underestimated how far I've come from that very dark place. I see the dark thoughts now and can recognize them, and can, for the most part, ignore them or reason with them or simply breathe through them, but what if they get stronger? Again, where is that line, how am I supposed to know?

I must also be stressed or anxious about something as I have resorted to some bad habits. I'm not cutting or anything, but I'm biting the inside of my mouth and compulsively picking at my nails. I used to do that with my nails all the time when I was younger - it was a coping mechanism, and at one point got so bad that my mom tried various methods to get me to stop - including painting my fingers with this disgusting coating so that they would feel and taste gross. It was humiliating - but I guess it worked. I don't know the source of that anxiety. I seem to bite my lip at work, and my nails at home.

*sigh* why can't I just be normal.

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