Tuesday, 20 December 2011

DBT, ECT, And Depression

I'm worried its coming back. I had a bad night last night. It was a flashback to all those nights that I put myself to bed early. Only this time, I didn't draw or knit; I wrote a quick entry in my journal and went to bed - alone and sad and scared for today.

What if it's coming back? What if I really need all that medication? I can't handle the person I was when I was on it, but I can't handle being that depressed again.

Maybe it was just a bad night. How will I know, what is considered too many bad days, I wish there was some sort of logical chart or table that had all these answers and steps to follow when things get rough. I'm worried I'll sink so low and the depression will make me not go on the medication, but I'm equally as worried that I'll go back needlessly just out of fear.

I went to that DBT support group last week, that's the emotional regulation one. Given that I wasn't able to feel emotions at that time it was pretty pointless. I felt out of place and like an extreme outcast. There was even a girl from high school there - which made me feel even more isolated. I felt like I didn't belong. I hate not fitting in, and yet I have no idea how to fit in.

It's all about recognizing triggers, and watching your own behaviour, and breathing, and picturing yourself in calmer settings. It's all about getting rid of the large overpowering emotions that tend to cloud everything else.

What about the smaller minute emotions that slowly eat away at you, that you don't even realize are there? What if the big emotions are so big that you can't breathe through them. I don't know - it doesn't feel like a good fit for me, but it's only been one session. I'll go for one module - that way someone else can take my place if I drop out. I'll keep trying, and keep giving it my 100%.

Over at bipolar knitter , she has been undergoing ECT and its very interesting to read her experiences. Reading others' trials through ECT has always been scary for me. They have either been overwhelmingly positive, or negative - and neither of those seem completely true or realistic. She paints what seems to be an accurate portrayal.

Maybe I need to be in the thick of a bad depression to warrant them though. I don't want to lose my memory and cognitive abilities if I don't need to. People have always liked me and valued me because of my intelligence, what if ECT were to diminish that? Sometimes my intelligence feels like all I have. What's the point in having a smart mind if I can't control the negative thoughts though? I don't know - like most things. It's still an option.

Wiggers gets back on the 28th - I doubt I'll hear from him right away, but hopefully soon.

Maybe I am getting better...?

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