Friday, 23 December 2011

Nothing Gold Can Stay

I'm so tired of being tired. Right now I am due to take my divalproex in 15 minutes, for the past 45, I have been trying so hard to stay awake and not fall asleep.

I honestly want some caffeine pills, or cortisol or something to keep this exhaustion at bay. It can't be fun to deal with me in the evening - the same thing happens then. It's furstrating on my end to want to be intimate with Andrea so desperately but then to be too tired to do it by the time we go to bed - I can't imagine how she feels having no control over the situation. And now it's become this thing, and I'm hyper aware of it so it's probably going to be worse.

I failed yesterday. I cut. Tiny one's. They so much don't count that I am disappointed in myself and almost want to try again to get it right. I'm resisting again today.

I had my DBT support group yesterday and was chastised for not taking my medication properly. *sigh* I mean I was supported but they were all shocked and wanted me to go get help or talk to someone. It's not like I haven't tried, wiggers is just away for a while. Until then, why can't I make my own decisions? I can deal with the tiredness a lot better than I could deal with the lack of feelings.

Other than that it went okay. We are going over interpersonal effectiveness and saying no and what not to people. I think that's a skill I need but it all feels silly and stupid and I have a hard time not thinking I'm above it - if I were though I wouldn't have been referred, I wouldn't be on medication, and I wouldn't have been hospitalized twice right? IDK..I'm trying.

At some point I am not sure trying will be good enough for myself or others any more.

I'm going to try not to stress. Not to stress about money, about Christmas, about stuff. I am going to try to be present with Andrea, and with the kids and just enjoy the holidays. They won't always be this little. They won't always stand in awe at Christmas lights that make music. They won't always be like this, and rather than focusing on all that needs to be done, or all the worry I need to try to enjoy it with them. Enjoying it with them also stresses me out.

Man I'm a nutcase.

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