Monday, 19 December 2011

Part of

I am back on the divalproex. There must be a reason I'm on the medication, and since wiggers is away until the 28th I've made the decision. I don't want to take the risk of going manic on the prozac, and the zyprexa was just creating too much havoc on my life. If I start to go manic, I need to take the zyprexa. I hope I can see this coming with enough foresight to take it. I'd take 10mg in the event of a manic episode - the same dosage they gave me when I went to the hospital on the seroquel mania.

It is beyond wonderful to feel feelings again. I've cried, I've laughed, I've loved. I have enjoyed sex, though I ended up frustrated at my inability to orgasm. It's nice to feel I have some semblance of normalcy back.

I get overwhelmed when it comes to things. I can handle mess. I can handle things. It takes effort but 7 times out of 10 I can do it - put those things together though and I simply can't. Our house still isn't completely settled and unpacked, there isn't a flow to it being cleaned yet (in the green house the person who did the kitchen swept the dining room, in my head it makes more sense now for the person who is doing toys to do the dining room) and that combined with Christmas chaos and stuff means I feel in a constant state of being overwhelmed.

Yesterday I tried to fight it by taking an ativan, and that just through me off for the whole night. I was off when we went to the trains, and don't really have memory of coming home, dealing with Kahlan, or laying with Squishy - but I fell asleep with her. Woke up, thought it was like 2am, went downstairs, everyone was still awake. I made my lunch..somehow...but didn't think to brush my teeth or clean the cat box. I went to bed, and I think I wrote something, and went to sleep. It was all very sad and very confusing.

I don't know what to do about my Christmas anxiety. I don't want it to turn into another depression, but I don't know how to calm it down.

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