Friday, 16 December 2011

Without

I haven't taken my medication since the evening of the 14th. I'm one and a half days without it. Nothing of note yet. I feel slightly more anxious or irritable but that could be lack of sleep, dehydration, Christmas stress - any number of things.

Point is - I was done having them make me feel the way that they were.

They have taken all the good that was left and reduced it to nothing. I have no sex drive, none at all. I used to crave orgasms, need them, now - It's like my libido is all gone. I hate it. Andrea suffers, I had honestly hoped that with all her moving stress she hadn't noticed how long its been...she has.

I don't act like I'm in a relationship with her, not because of overt act, but just because of my general attitude - which isn't on purpose. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone right now.

I mean its been good in a sense. I got a speeding warning the other day, and I was the outcast at the kids' school yesterday but I didn't care. But without emotions...who am I? I know I am not my emotions, but at the same time - I feel nothing without them.

I know I'll end up back on them or something. I know I should email wiggers and tell him - but he has more pressing patients than myself. When I was really down had I known there was someone like me stealing his time, when he could have been answering my emails I would have been livid.

Maybe I needed the control. IDK..everything I've read speaks of the dangers of just stopping this medication. I know the risks. But it's my choice.

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