Thursday, 29 December 2011

Worrying Sucks

I'm not sure whats worse battling through your own demons, or worrying that your partner is on her way to battling her own.

I'm worried about Andrea. I'm worried, and have been for a while, that she is suffering but doesn't want to tell me because she still sees me as a depressed person. I don't know that I will ever be completely done with my dark passenger or done with this whole mental illness thing completely - I don't want her balling it all up inside because she is so worried about me, though I do understand her want to do just that.

Yesterday she told me she hated her life most days. My heart broke. Immediately I internalized this to "she hates her life with me" but then I realized what I was doing. I was over thinking it, and putting words in her mouth. There have been times when I have hated my life, but I never hated her, never hated being with her - it was life that was hard, not being with her. It was a nice revelation.

The effexor exhaustion is back with a vengeance. It's so overwhelming, and near impossible to fight. I hated it the first go around, this time I'm trying to be up front with people about it, and ask for help - and I hate every second of it. I asked Craig to drive home yesterday and felt like an utter failure the whole time, I hate that I am not as strong as thought I was or as I want to be.

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