Monday, 31 December 2012

Goals

About 6 months ago I had the goal of being able to do the westwood 5k and polar bear swim on January 1st 2013. 6 months later and I can only run 20minutes at a snails pace. 6 months later and I have gained weight and lost motivation.

I tried to do a video day in the life and was floored at what I saw of myself. I edited myself out. Andrea tried to take a picture of my face yesterday, just my face, and I had to say no. I used to think I had a pretty face. Now - it's just fat.

This entry is going to get more self pitying for a little while.

I wish people wouldn't make me feel like I am lying. It's just fact that over the last two years I have gained weight. I am medically obese, or at least over weight. When they tell me I am not fat it makes me feel like they are lying to me, or thinking that I am kidding myself. I'm not though. I know I don't have to hate myself as much as I do, but the truth is the truth - I got fat.

End self pitying here.

I got a self esteem book to help me with my, well, self esteem. My first exercise is to pay attention to how often I put myself down mentally. After that I am supposed to carry around a book and write down all the critiques; I am afraid my hand will get tired before I reach afternoon. I am going to dilligently do this book though.

Andrea told me a couple of days ago that I am draining to be around when I am like this (low confidence). That comment has stuck with me as a pivotal tranceformation point. It is also one of the most brutally honest things she has said to me and I would be lying if I said it didn't and doesn't sting. But it motivated me to get some help - even if  I am doing this on my own. I am hoping I stop hating myself to the core.

The thing is though I think my self hatred would go away if I was thinner. I honestly didn't hate myself at all when I was thinner. Even when I was 30lbs lighter I was happier, even at 10lbs lighter I was happier. Its the lack of change that has me the most frustrated. But we've been over that in previous entries.

I had so much more to say but I am finding myself overwhelmed with all the kids and stuff around me right now. I give up trying

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Footsteps

I want an identity, but am too afraid to undertake the journey to get one.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

I will always be bipolar

This is Kind of How I feel

I read this article today. I can relate to so much of it. From the staying on top of my meds, to feeling more stable, to knowing I will always have bipolar and episodes will happen again. It's so nice to read articles and blogs that sum up how I feel. It's nice not to feel so alone.

On that note, she says she died her hair purple and that's how she began to feel more comfortable in her own skin. This is how I feel about putting dreads back in my hair. When I had them, I felt more comfortable with my appearance. I never felt like I was hiding, but I felt like I stood out, and that they suited my personality - they gave me a confidence I never felt before. And who knows, I might put them back and not feel the same way - but its so worth it to try. Its unfortunate that I have to wait like two years before I can get them in again. I will be patient though - its worth it for the opportunity to gain some more confidence.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Boots

So I went to go buy boots today from a local thrift store. I found like 3 cute pairs that would have fit me - had my calves not have been so large :(

I know I posted about feeling more confident in my body - and I still am overall, but I had a few setbacks this weekend. It started with seeing myself in the mirror before a shower. I found new creases where there weren't any before. I also have some spots of irritation on my body that sting when water hits them from not being exposed to the air enough - that's how fat I am.

Craig asked for a boob picture and I was all too okay to send him one as I don't care, and I tried to take one and saw it and felt hideous with myself. It was quite discouraging. To that end, the caffeine pills are giving me energy so I'd like to get back into running in the evening's with the dogs - alternating that with speed walking on the off nights. I would like to get into working out again, but after I walk the dogs I just don't want to. I'm excited to try out boot camp in the spring - I got a gift certificate from my trainer for it. Yay bootcamp - two weeks of 3times per week - should be intense and hopefully results producing. I would really love to see some results.

On another note, though I may not hate my body as much - I'm wondering if I value it. All my life I have used my body to get things, or sent pictures to people, or for sex so they would like me or pay attention to me or so I could have a reputation where I wouldn't be forgotten. I have been so many people's firsts - that I know they at least will never forget me. I'm wondering if I have any respect for my body. I was willing to send craig a half naked picture - how come? Because I just don't care. Obviously I care about the way the picture looks but if it had been halfway decent I would have sent it. Maybe if I had respect for my body I wouldn't hate it so much.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Caffeine!!!!!

So I've started to take caffeine pills. I know what you are thinking, be careful etc. And I know that. My biggest worry is that one of medications slows my heart rate and blood pressure and caffeine pills raise it. But I figure it will balance out in the end. My other medications were making me so sleepy, I couldn't stay awake at work in the morning, or in the evenings. I needed like 12 hours of sleep to feel even the most remotely rested - and well, that wasn't popular.

So, a coworker told me about these green tea/caffeine pills he was taking. He brought them in and they worked a little bit. I went to the drug store to get more and they didn't have any so I got straight caffeine pills. These are much stronger. I have so much energy, and sitting at my desk is hard. I can now stay up until 11:00 easy and still wake up at 6:00a to head out. Granted I take them in the morning and in the late afternoon. But it is certainly helping.

I'm thinking I should email wiggers. I think its about time that I can start weaning off some of these medications, and to confirm that the caffeine pills aren't going to kill me.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 12

Sad Fat Girl has not disappeared. She has just quieted herself so as not to disturb others. She has been working with her trainer, and before she stopped working out on her own had only lost a pound. It's demoralizing.

I hate the way I look. My jeans are giant. Every time I see them lying on the floor they look huge and I can't believe they fit me. Every time I fold Andrea's jeans I hate that I used to wear them. I used to be smaller than those. It's frustrating. I feel like no matter what I do I can't catch a break. Since stopping working out, and eating like crap (which makes me feel physically yucky, but at least I fell emotionally/mentally better) I haven't gained any weight. I have stayed the same. Makes me think this is the size I am supposed to be right now.

And maybe it is. We all go through different changes in our lives, so maybe right now I am supposed to weigh 1--lbs. Maybe this is the stage in life I am at. That doesn't mean I should get complacent. I should still be working out and still be eating healthy it is good for my body and the exercise is good for my mind. I don't want to spend my evenings doing that though. I am already so tired in the evenings, and can barely stay up past 9:00pm. How can I do a workout until 8:00p and then still have time to knit or spend time with Andrea. I don't want to spend that time doing something that I feel I suck at it.

I know if I get back into it I'm going to have to go back down one or two levels from where I was before, and that in and of itself is also demoralizing. I just feel so helpless and stupid when it comes to losing weight. Everyone around me is having success and no matter what I do I can't shake the pounds.

I have one more session with my trainer, and then she will do final weight and measurements. I wonder if working out for the remainder of the week will help at all. I don't know what to do. I feel hideous. Whenever someone touches me all I can think of is the layers of fat they are touching. It's really starting to affect my mood again. I was doing so well ignoring it - and maybe that's the problem. I can't ignore it - I actually have to deal with.

Problem is - I still don't know how.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Tired and Forgetful

The drive to and from work is taxing on my energy levels - and I know that's no excuse. I get tired far easier and by 9pm I am ready to go to bed. I fall asleep on the couch watching Prison Break even. I can't think of any other change in my routine that would cause me to feel so tired so quickly. Its frustrating and annoying and I hate it.

I have also been very forgetful. I forget to take and write down Andrea's temps, so now she does it. I forget to make her tea. I forget to feed the dogs. I forget to do the laundry. I forget that I have her keys. I forget promises made to the kids. This attribute of mine needs to change as its draining on everyone - especially Andrea who has to pick up the slack for everything I forget to do.

I feel like I am sucking as a person and a partner lately. I want to change this. I am going to change this. I am not going to let this bring me down, or send me into a shame spiral. I am going to fight my way out of this and become better. I have to, and I am confident I can.

Friday, 30 November 2012

Lemons

When Life gives you lemons....

you spill the damn lemonade all over your floor.

It's like one thing after another again, and I'm trying hard to keep my head above water. From mortgages, to matt, to craig, to the roof, to arguments with andrea over the house, work,  money - its just impossible to keep up with. I'm dealing well in terms of my depression. I haven't sunk to the pit of despair but I have certainly felt very hopeless, but I'm trying not to let it show - trying to fight through it and persevere.

The hardest part, as always, is the mis-communication and troubles with Andrea, she is my rock and I falter in being hers. Last night she was upset about missing the green house, and the difficulties with our house and it wasn't until this morning that I realized how it was her time of need, and not a time for argument like I did. I felt awful. (Then even more awful when she told me she had to leave the bed cause of my snoring).

My emotional intelligence needs some work.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Plan G

My plan G expired last week. Plan G was what allowed me to get my psychiatric medication without having to pay. If I just go with the health coverage I have then I still have to fork out $100 per month. If I didn't have health coverage it would be...well...$100 is 20% of the total...so like $500 per month. We simply can't afford either of those things. If I don't get approved again I'm going to have to come off my meds, or severely cut back on them.

I'm scared and worried.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

The End of Dreams

- We can't afford for Andrea to quit her job.
- We can't afford for her to go to school.
- We can't afford to send me to school.
- We can't afford for me to get a car to commute to work.

Dreams are funny things, you can have them and feel passionate about them, but that doesn't guarantee they will happen. You can work hard for them, but it doesn't mean they will come true. Things happen in life that we have no control over, sometimes you need to take care of the needs of others; sometimes it's being an adult and having responsibilities - there are a number of things.

Even if a dream isn't lost forever, it still is hard to lose it in the present.

I'm sorry Andrea, at the loss of our dreams.

Monday, 19 November 2012

I'm tired

I'm tired of people telling me I look tired all the time. Everyone comments on it. A) I know I'm tired, I have kids and they still wake up often. B) My meds make me tired and I hate it too and C) What am I supposed to say? No, I'm not tired, I actually slept well last night but thanks for telling me how I look.

It's frustrating for me. I too am tired of being tired all the time. I'm sick of falling asleep anytime I stay sitting for more than 20 minutes. I know I've written about this before,  but I had three people I look tired today, and the thing is, I actually slept last night, and feel well rested. Granted it was half a sick sleep - but I didn't have to get up at 5:30a with a child. In my books that's a good sleep!

On another med causing note and one I've talked about before. Andrea saw a picture of me from just after I had Remy and commented how happy I look and how my eyes look like they want to be smiling more. This makes me cry every time she brings it up. Especially since their are times when I actually feel truly happy, only, I guess, my eyes and face don't express it the way they used to. I think my meds dull me. I mean they dull my depression and my mania - why wouldn't the dull my usual every day self too.

This devastates me. How am I supposed to convey to her how happy I am with her, and how happy she makes me when my face lies and just shows that I'm tired (lol) or emo. She does make me truly happy, I just wish I could show her that with my eyes.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

First Time

Sex talk ahead, consider yourself warned......





For the first time last night, I was so self conscious during sex. The light was on - but it wouldn't have mattered. It was more her feeling me, feeling the rolls and folds in my skin. I tried to stretch my body out so that they wouldn't be as defined, I laid on my back as much as possible - yet I was constantly aware of my body. There were times, definitely times, that I forgot - but then it would come back and I was deathly afraid that she felt my body in those moments. I know she thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, but I am so self conscious that now it has spilled over into my sex life. 

Thursday, 8 November 2012

No Subject

Time to try to stop living in the past?

sad fat girl - 12

Look at how thin I once was

Look at how defined I was

Look at how happy I was

Then this happened

And there is no picture of my current weight. Let's just say large.

I'm currently hating on myself. I went to the store to grab two shirts I couldn't stop thinking about and good thing I tried them on, the sizes I was going to get were way to small. I am a men's extra large. I used to be a woman's small. There was a full length mirror in there and I caught a glimpse of myself just in a bra and jeans...I was so disgusted. I haven't actually seen a full image of myself for quite some time. It was hideous. Motivation to work harder I guess, but after 6 weeks of working with a trainer, eating semi better, and exercising nearly daily I have lost 1.5pounds. That's it. I'm not giving up - but what's the point. I'm honestly considering taking pseudo-ephedrine or something like that to just get this kick started.

I feel like going insane with it. Two workouts a day, eating nothing but apples and carrots, just going crazy. It's like the only thing I haven't tried yet. 

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Looking Back

It has been just over a year since my first hospitalization, and nearly a year for my second more real one. It's a somber time for me - remembering where I was a year ago. Remembering how desperate I was. How I walked 17km in one night, how I strangled myself with a belt, how I thought those very very bad thoughts that I still can't bring to share with anyone or say out loud. I remember so clearly various stages of my hospital stay.

- pacing the hallway after I was given a tranquilizer in pain because I was so tired and needed to lay down.
- waking up periodically to see Andrea at my bedside.
-the walk in the wheelchair
-Sitting in the common room writing in my journal while the other patients carried on their business.
-Having a shower and crying.

Mostly I remember how I felt during that time. The desperation. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been good for me, as much as it would have sucked, to stay in longer than two days. The break from reality was nice in a way, and it truly was a break, but I felt guilty for being away and for not contributing at home. Looking back I realized the reason I didn't want to stay was more because I didn't want to miss work because I didn't want to financially burden my family. How crazy is that? I let myself be exposed and vulnerable when I needed the most help because of work. That's so irresponsible of me. Maybe I would have gotten better quicker if I had given myself that time. Who knows now.

All I do know is I can't get those 3 weeks out of my head. Can't forget about being released so close to halloween and nearly crying as we went trick or treating because I felt like such a failure at life. I will never forget those 3 weeks of pure misery wherein I was hospitalized twice. This, being the first year anniversary, makes it so much harder.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I miss

I've lost what makes me, me: even though I appear to and think I am getting better. Even Andrea says she doesn't know me anymore. How can she be in love with me if she doesn't know me? I wish I were my sociable self, my outspoken self. The thing is, at work I think I am. They all know I'm bipolar yet I don't care if I look fat here, or how I come across to others. I am just me at work. Why can't I be like that every where else? Why do I hate talking to people, or people seeing me?

I miss me. I miss smiling. I miss talking.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Time


I've been keeping up with my workouts! I promised myself I'd do 10 days in a row, and then weight myself again. Wednesday is my last day so I will weight myself on Thursday. I'm quite nervous. After Wednesday I will start the next level of the 30day shred. I really want to try the P90x - everyone is raving about it, and it seems to produce great results. I want great results.

I've been feeling more stable, and overall happier. Except on weekends. On weekends I have to get dressed to see people. I hate getting dressed. Hate Hate Hate it. No clothes look good on me. I have all my clothes in one drawer now to save me from digging through the other drawers, and I don't even like those. I feel giant and unattractive in all of them. So the having to get dressed really sets me off in a bad mood on the weekends. I think I need to pre pick out my clothes the night before like I do for work and just wear that - whatever it is. Take the choice away from myself.

I still want to try ECT I think. I don't want to be on these pills forever. And if it doesn't work at least I can say I truly did try everything. Andrea doesn't want me to because she doesn't want me to lose any memories from us being together. I understand that and had honestly not thought of that - I had only thought of losing childhood memories or high school ones, which I was okay with. I don't know what to do.

I'm acutely aware that it is approaching the one year anniversary of my first hospitalization and the 3 year anniversary of the Vancouver event. The end of October will forever be hard for me because of those two things. I find myself thinking about them often and reliving them in a way. I don't know how to stop this.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Determined and Lazy

So it's been nearly a week since I gave up trying in terms of workouts and runs. Needless to say - I feel like crap. I thought that if I didn't pressure myself to do them, that I still would most of the time and it might actually become a lifestyle change for me like I wanted. Turns out, if I don't feel I have to do it, I don't do it at all.

So, I think I need to try again. And I'm scared shitless about it. I  need to find a way to motivate myself to do these things, and eat healthier again. I don't know, honestly, why I keep trying when nothing is working and nothing is wrong with me. But try again I will because I refuse to be a complete quitter in this regard. If I quit completely I will end up 350lbs and alone.

I wonder if Andrea is embarassed to be seen with me?

I also wonder if they think I'm lazy for not being able to stay awake whenever I sit for too long. I don't know why it happens, but I honestly can't stay awake - like at all. I hate medication.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 11

According to the scale, I weight 3lbs heavier than I weighed last week. I chose to weigh today instead of tomorrow because I'm eating thanksgiving dinner tonight. 3lbs. I now weight more than I ever have (barring pregnancy).

I'm giving up. I'll go see my trainer because I've signed a contract. I'll continue to eat healthily because it makes my body feel good. I'll continue to do workouts and runs when I want to. There will be no more feeling like I have to do things. If I want chocolate - fine, in moderation. If I don't want to do any workouts or runs for 5 days - I'm not going to. Clearly something isn't working. I weighed less when I wasn't trying, maybe not trying again is what's going to work. Who Knows? *shrug*

I knew I had gained weight though - both pairs of my actual pants are tighter. I have one shirt that I like wearing because it is big enough to hide everything. Unfortunately, it is only one shirt. I have two sweaters - one of which I should never wear out of the house and another which gets dirty so fast that it too shouldn't be worn out of the house. I have a pair of workout pants that fit, and a pair of brown non pant pants that have holes but I still wear. My two actual pants are too small.

I have a double chin. How hideous. I wonder how long it's been there.

I hate this. I'm officially giving up the hardcore trying.

Drugs

I don't wanna take em. That's for sure. Every day is a struggle to take them. I don't know why this changed. Could be I am still in the midst of a a depression, and that is affecting my judgement. Could be I am staring to question the validity of the pills and whether or not they work or are working.

Another thing is, I want to nurse the baby. The medication I am on now prevents me from doing so. I want to wean off of them, but wiggers tells me I can't, and Andrea I don't think wants me to. It's like everyone is conspiring against me to keep me on these damn pills when I don't want to be on them anymore. I KNOW I KNOW I will probably be on some sort of medication for the rest of my life.I know I have a condition, a disease, that prevents my brain from functioning normally - but does that mean I have to be on so many medications or that I can't be on one's that will help me be closer to my baby and share the mother role more with Andrea?

It's frustrating. It's frustrating to have to be reminded to take my pills. If she wasn't watching me or asking I wouldn't take them. Not because I forget but because I simply don't want to. I take them so I don't disappoint or anger her. I hate that she is my babysitter. She should be my partner.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

The Guys

It's interesting to be involved in and listen to the conversations at work. They talk constantly about how the meds are what's making things worse and who knows what I would be like if I weren't on them. That's very true - no one knows what I would be like if I wasn't on them. It's scary to think my meds could be making worse, or they could be making it better. That's the hardest thing for me - the not knowing. Part of me wants to find out what it would be like not on them. Just to confirm that I need to be. I know if I go off of them for a day or two I feel negative consequences - but that could just be the drop in chemicals from not take the drugs. Who knows again?

Regardless, its frustrating to hear them talk about these things like they know what they are talking about. They say things like "everyone has ups and downs" "maybe you should just accept who you are" etc etc. It's like they think they have all the answers. If only they knew what it was really like.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl -10

Sad Fat Girl's Random Sadness:

- I broke teo's bed, well not broke broke, but my weight made it shift and crumble. No more sitting on his bed for me.

- The problem with fat people wearing tight pants is that there inner legs rub together and holes start earlier; this is happening to the jeans I bought a week ago.

- I've accepted I'm fat. Even if I don't like it, I know I am medically fat.

- The scale was not my friend today even though I have been working so hard. *sigh*

Just *sigh*

Friday, 28 September 2012

Hello

Hello crippling depression. How are we doing? Present and accounted for I see.

However, I will beat you this time. My strength, my support and yes my meds will overpower you.

I can do this!

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Down and Up

I think I figured out my crazy. The last few days I have been feeling off or crazy or whatever. I think I am going through an upswing/crash with my bipolar but my meds are trying to keep it in check. The crazy feeling lasted about a week, and now for the past couple of days I've been feeling a little low.

Yesterday I forgot my meds again, and sunk quite low - hiding in my room and everything. It's been a while since I have felt that badly about things. However, taking them and then a nap seemed to help - problem was by the time I felt better it was too late to actually take advantage of it.

So now I'm stuck. I can tell that I'm in a depression, and that makes me not want to take my meds, but they are the things that are currently keeping me as stable as is possible. It's weird to feel myself go high and then low but not actually experience it. I don't like it one bit. It is unnerving and a little scary to be honest. My head physically hurts with the confusion of it all.

But at least I'm stable for now....

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

All the things

I've decided to stop seeing mark. For a few reasons. First because I'm not sure I can do his EMDR - not because I don't think it works, but because the way my eyes are lately I just can't have them moving like that without them burning. Also, as of late most of my depressive feelings are caused by my weight. So I feel I need to deal with that before I can deal with my underlying emotional issues. On that note - I have hired a trainer. I met her before but decided I couldn't afford her and mark. And I can't, but I've switched now. I meet with her this Friday at 5:30a and am so nervous. I am so out of shape and fat and she is in shape and pregnant and all the things I am envious of at the moment. My weight is really bothering me again - still I don't know. The sickening feeling in my stomach about it went away for a while; but it's back now. I feel disgusted and icky at the way my body looks, and the fact that I can't lose weight just makes me all the more frustrated with it. Maybe I'm the type that can never, not once, slip up on a diet. Maybe I can't have chocolate once in a while or ice cream. Maybe all that stuff has to be gone for good. That doesn't seem like a very fun life though. I enjoy those things; but it'd be worth it, I think, to look how I used to look. Hell to lose like 20lbs and fit into my first goal jeans would be nice. It's sad that 20lbs is my *first* goal. *sigh* I need to get better at taking my meds again. I forgot again this morning and I think that combined with the hormone crash of my period, has made me feel all out of it and loopy and a little spacey. The days have been good but hard at the same time. I have succumb to temptation twice, and I have resisted more often. I think I'm at the maintenance stage now...and that's really really terrifying.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Good Days

Yesterday was a great day! It was a combination of a stress free environment and keeping busy and getting to spend a whole day with Andrea. I needed that. The kids were in Nanaimo visiting their respective people and they left early in the morning. I feel immensely guilty that my good was partially due to the lack of children. But here we are. Andrea had some studying to do, and me? I did a run, a workout, finished sewing my doll, knit some stitches and folded a butt tonne of laundry. I also got the two of us coffee and coffee always makes me smile. Andrea also had a good day with me which was an awesome surprise. It was awesome to have a day free of tears, free of arguments and free just to have fun.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Yesterday

Yesterday I forgot to take my pills.

ARG ARG ARG - point proven that I need them. I had an emotionally awful day and didn't even realize I had not taken them until I get home. I was extremely irritable, and down, and even asked one of the guys at work for a hug because I was feeling like I wanted to cut.

Such an awful feeling to have yk?

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Today

Today is a serious of deep breaths, moments, and trying to calm my racing heart and insecurities down.

Today is a day of excitement and nervousness.

Today is a day where I feel sorry for myself and am trying to stop.

Today is a day of potential lifetime happiness.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 9

I'm doing a lot of these posts lately - perhaps because it is always haunting me...

So I got two shirts yesterday with my jeans (that I realized in the evening look quite hideous on me because they are too tight :( ....) I went to go put them on this morning and neither of them fit. I got a large and an extra large and they are both suffocatingly tight. I'm sure Andrea would say they fit, but I don't feel comfortable in them at all. I hate things that are tight on my mid section. It shows my fat in an obvious way. I'd rather hide the rolls and look larger then having something tight that shows them but look smaller. It's more about how I feel than how I present myself and look to others.

I admitted to her that sometimes she makes me cry. It was a mistake to say it out loud, and I knew it the moment I said it. It's the truth though. I am so excited for her and the hard work she has put into looking and feeling the way she does. Not to mention how healthy she is. I guess looking at her just makes me feel, not jealous, but frustrated that even doing them same things, or close to the same things, I am seeing no results. That's what makes me cry - the frustration. Not the way she looks because I am lucky to be with someone as hot as she is.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 8

Ugh.

I had a breakdown today about the way I look. A complete and utter shutdown of all senses except sadness. It's so hard to be the only fat one/overweight one in the family. I feel like I am failing all of them because I can't shake the weight off. Further, I feel like I am failing myself because I feel like I'm trying (though I guess I AM eating chips right now). I guess its all my fault.

To try to make myself feel better I went to try on jeans. I was honestly expecting to be a size 40. I was a 36 - and I got the *only* pair of size 36 pants in the store. The ONLY ones. Now I could take that as there are so many 36 sized people that they sell out - instead I take it as they don't often make them that big. I felt so giant trying them on in the store - especially since they dont fit perfectly or like I want them to. But seriously - I am 10 sizes bigger than I used to be - how demoralizing.

I don't know. The metformin isn't working, the running isn't working, the eating healthier isn't working. Nothing is working for me. I'm failing and I'm disgusting.

I don't believe her when she says she finds me attractive or pretty or hot or whatever. A) who could possible find this disgusting body of mine appealing. B) she doesn't see me the way she used to (could be the change in my personality too) and c) just no. I have learned that no one will find you beautiful unless you believe yourself to be beautiful - and I don't. And that's probably the biggest reason I don't believe her. I want to be beautiful again.

Friday, 14 September 2012

blah

For the past week or so I've been suffering from this blah feeling. Before I thought that I was just unmotivated at work and that I was "something" at home and then yesterday I realized that it has been going on for a while. It's like an overall meh feeling, I don't really care to work, don't really care to *do* anything at home. Not that I am angry or whatever, or don't care - I do care and it does bother me but I cant seem to rouse a reaction out of myself.

I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the meds. I mean most things do it seems - but not everything can be. So maybe its me. Maybe I need to motivate myself somehow. Well, I know I do. I need to find a way to get over this hump as its affecting my work and home life.

I explained my lack of motivation for work yesterday. Its not that I am getting no work done, its that I'm incredibly slow with it. Simple tasks take an hour, and complex tasks take days.

At home, Andrea and I are off and aren't connecting like we normally do. I'm not anything other than blah. Like I said, I still care, I just can't seem to express it in a meaningful way.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Fat, Environment, Sex, Therapy, Babies, Fat

I was so excited that I had lost 4lbs, sad thing is I seem to have gained it back. Im still stuck at 180. Sigh.

I got into a conversation at work today with one of the boys over the causes of depression and mental disorders in general. While I know he wasn't trying to be offensive to me (as they know my condition), it was hard to hear that there is an environmental route to everyone's problems. Somewhere down the line something happened to fuck your brain up, and that by dealing with that stuff and eating properly it can be fixed. Like I am somehow doing this to myself. Like I want to be bipolar. Like I want to have my relationships suffer. I didn't want any of this, and while I admit that in my darkest days it kind of felt like I was addicted to the sadness - I think that's how this works. You have to fight the addiction, and then deal with the disease. I have beaten the addiction now. I am trying to manage my disease - with 8 pills a day and some therapy.

Andrea and I have been great lately. With the exception of one thing. Sex. I know, logically, that she isn't doing it on purpose - but 6 nights out of 7 it seems she has a headache, or is too tired, or is not feeling well, or whatever. She says I am not being bold enough - but I'm kind of tired of being the one to initiate and get turned down. I tell her lots throughout the day that I am turned on or whatever - but idk. I'm starting to get a complex. Like she doesn't really think I'm attractive anymore so thus doesn't want to sleep with me. The sex, when we do have it, is awesome in my opinion - there just isn't enough of it. I don't want pity sex, but I do want to feel attractive to her - regardless if I think I'm attractive myself.

I'm incredibly sensitive to being made fun of lately. My mom has done it, and Craig has done it recently. I find it completely dampens my mood and puts me in a dangerously angry mind set. Seriously, it makes me want to run away, or cut myself - or otherwise separate myself from the rest of my family. I don't know when I became so sensitive to it - you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

I go see Mark next week. I must admit I'm kind of looking forward to it - I have some things I want to discuss. I want to throw them out there to someone objective and just be heard yk? Get his opinion.

The baby talk has increased, and is actually productive now. I'm more okay with it this go around. I think realizing I couldn't, no, shouldn't carry a child due to my bipolar really helped put things into perspective. That, and Cooper has been helping a lot too. Everytime I see him I feel more okay and generally learn something about myself or this whole situation. I'm still incredibly sad at what I am losing but it no longer reduces me to tears and a great depression. It no longer results in a decrease of my self worth - which is a great thing for me. All I have to do as my prerequisites is to get better in the head lol, more stable anyways, and get healthy (IE lose some weight). I don't want to be an overweight mom any longer. I'm not setting a good example for the kids I do have, nor do I want to bring a new child into this world and (as vain as this sounds) be in pictures looking like this. This will be my last baby - I want to remember it fondly and not be disgusted by the pictures I will see.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 7

Still sad and fat.

I feel so giant lately. Like even more giant than I did before. Even more unattractive. Even more ugly. I have wrinkles on my forehead, rolls on my stomach, cellulite on my legs. I have no curves, I have no boobs and no ass. I'm so disgusted with myself. It's so hard to get dressed every morning knowing that anything I put on isn't going to make me look or feel any better. Plus I am slowly running out of pants/shorts. Soon I'll have one pair.

I had to go out in public the other day to a parent's night. All the mom's there were thin, or thinner than me. They were healthy and vibrant looking. I hate going out in public. I hate being one of the largest people in a crowd. I hate knowing that when I go I have no confidence in myself so I look how I feel. I know that if I could find a way to get some confidence in my looks that I would present myself in a much better way. As it stands, I don't, and as a result, I hate going out in public. Yet I have to - again and again. Even work is getting hard for me to go to. They are all young and fit and in shape. And I am old and bulgy and unhealthy.

IDK....I'm just tired of hating myself.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

No progress and progress

I've been on the metformin for two weeks now and still haven't seen an improvement over that time. I gained weight last week and have kept at the same weight this week. It has severely affected my appetite in that I am hardly ever hungry. I'm trying to be mindful of that and eat healthy nutrient rich foods, and I'm going to start taking a multivitamin to compensate for the lack of vitamins and minerals I am getting. But really, after two weeks I expected some change.

I don't know what's happened in the last like two weeks, but I am feeling more like myself lately. More like I used to feel. My weight is still a big issue but I think that is not due to my depression (as I think it causes my depressive feelings) but other things aren't affecting me like they used to about 2 months ago. I feel more balanced, more stable, more opinionated and just more like me. Now if I could just cut down on my meds and maintain that, that'd be awesome! I wonder if anyone else has noticed the change.

I am still sensitive to being made fun of, but I think that is due to my work with Mark. He has made me aware of how much I let myself be a pawn to others and how I let people walk all over me in order to get their approval. While I agree with him, I think the occasional teasing is okay - I do it too. Yet I still can't shake being made fun of and it puts me in a sour kind of angry mood. I don't know how to communicate that in a way that doesn't make me seem like a big baby.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Blah Blah

I started Metformin. It is an anti-diabetic drug designed to decrease the risk of getting type 2 diabetes, especially in those who are overweight or obese. It feels great to be on it. But if it helps me lose weight - then I guess its all right. The average is 13-18 pounds in 8 weeks - after week 1 I have lost nothing. But I didn't gain which is different than the last 8 weeks where I have gained. So I suppose that's something. Here's hoping for a loss next week.

I continue to feel better. I still tend to take my anger or irritability out on people, but am trying to take the first step by recognizing and apologizing for it. I'm aware that doesn't take away the transgression, but I'm hoping that by recognizing it I will begin to be able to stop it before it happens. It's one of my biggest issues right now I think. Then again, I don't live with me lol.

I'm also having some issues concentrating at work - though that me be laziness, or being used to slacking when I really couldn't function. I'm trying to motivate myself but it isn't really working. I have a pile of random tasks I keep putting off that really need to get done. I just need to sit down and do them. Here's hoping tomorrow I can buckle down and get 'er all done.

I saw Mark again and we got to work a little on the EMDR, apparently there is a lot of pre-work to be done, which gives me some hope for its effectiveness. I still have an issue thinking that saying that everything is caused from my past is a bit of a cop out. Everyone has a past yk. Maybe its more your past affects your habits and beliefs and those need to be adjusted. Everyone's pasts affect their habits. Maybe mine are just bad habits - lord knows I have had those before.

Andrea has been broken for a little while (about a week), so I have had the opportunity to take care of her. It's felt wonderful to be the one able to do that for her. It makes me feel useful instead of just being a taker all the time. I like taking care of her.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 6

So I went and saw a trainer yesterday. I was blunt with her and told her how embarrassed I was to be there and why. I told her how I have gained 11lbs in 4 weeks, and how impossible every thing to do with this seemed. I was honest with her about my food, including coffees. I was honest about my meds. And then....then...

We get to her form. You have to fill out medical history and she asks them out loud. I was doing all fine until she asks "obesity?" you see no one that I know of has been classified as obese - except for me, so I had to say yes for myself - out loud in front of a trainer who is 22weeks pregnant and small and perfect looking. It felt awful, like a knife in my stomach.

It was really at that point how big I have allowed myself to become. I am classified obese, and not even by a little bit. That's an awful awful feeling.

That couples with Andrea and my decision we made last night - can't say what it is. It's my choice really, I have partially chosen this path which makes it both easier and harder.

I HATE BIPOLAR. It has taken over my life and affected everything. There has been no good to it, the longer this goes on the more it seems to take from my life. It has changed everything. I'm not even close to the same person I used to be, I'm fat, I'm unstable, I've had medical choices taken away from me - it's just all take take take.

What will bipolar eventually give back to me, or is this just something I am sentenced with and have to endure for the rest of my life? moreover, is this something Andrea has to endure for the rest of her life with me.

Sometimes, it's just too much.

Fat Fat Obese.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 5

I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown last night. (Sidenote: I really should have meditated afterwards to balance myself and for it not to affect me as much today.) My weight is constantly on my mind, especially after my Tuesday weigh in.

I feel the pressure from Andrea - not in what she says, that helps, but in her energy level to do a workout once a day and to run every other day. I wish I had that energy and the time during the day to do it. I don't and I need to accept that. I need to accept that it's going to go faster for her because she does have those things. I need to accept my own personal limitations in order to make any forward progress on this.

And yet, anytime I think about it, I am brought to tears and feel so defeated. Last night I was sobbing, on the floor. I nearly puked several times during my workout because I couldn't breathe properly due to my inability to stop crying. I did it though. Half heartedly, and without intense intention.

My tears and sadness and all out depression runs deep. If my depression is caused by my weight and my weight is caused (or at least not helped) by my meds, I wonder if my depression would be better if I stopped my meds. Maybe then I'd lose weight a little bit and my depression would lighten.

Something to think about, that's for sure.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 4

I've gained another pound. I'm now the highest weight I have been since birthing my first kid. It's enough to make me want to quit. Honestly. Yesterday I didn't sit down until 10:00pm because I was busy walking dogs and working out. What's the point in wasting my evenings running and working out if I get no results. What's the point at all if I just keep getting heavier.

Andrea suggests eating even more calories, and I've decided to try it for two more weeks. Two weeks of eating when I'm not hungry and losing my evenings, and working my ass off mentally and emotionally. Two weeks. If after two weeks I have gained or stayed the same I'm trying something else.

Fasting, starving myself, HcG shots - I don't care - I need to drop some weight fast - bad things are going to happen. I've already said how my weight is the thing that drops me into a depression, and that's where I am today. I don't weight myself during the week for this very reason - I know I can't handle it emotionally. But once a week I like to check the progress I'm making...or I guess, lack thereof.

IDK... I'm frustrated and I want to give up. I'm fat and disgusted with myself. My clothes, my fat clothes, are getting tighter - soon they will be goal clothes. I'm done buying clothes, I'm done feeling good about my body. I don't feel at all pretty, or attractive, or beautiful. I'm now even more scared to be intimate with Andrea, or to change in front of people. I'm so ashamed of my body, so ashamed of myself.

I'm just a sad...fat..."girl"

Monday, 13 August 2012

Inderal Update

So Ive been on the inderal for about 3 weeks now I guess, so the side effects are in full swing.

The biggest one is the dizziness. I don't get lightheaded when standing most of the time, but sometimes, a lot of the time, when I am running or walking, it just hits me and my whole body tingles and my head just wants to give out. It's quite overwhelming at times and I have to sit down or rest or otherwise stop my activity - except running - I refuse to stop that.

I also have been having crazy vivid dreams. They are so real feeling and yet so abnormal and crazy. I have dreamt about everyone I know, have ever known, and some people I feel I do know even though when I wake up I have no idea who they are. It can be quite terrifying sometimes when I can't tell reality from my dreams.

Minor ones include peeing a ton, slower heart rate, weight gain (though small thus far), and yeah I think thats it.

Overall, I think my 8 pill a day med combo seems to be working. I feel more stable and happier. My biggest challenge is not being brought down by my physical appearance; it's what can throw me into deep depressional feelings very easily. This includes suicidal thoughts, self harm desires, and general hopelessness. I know Andrea is sick of hearing about this - but like she cried daily about being unable to run, I cry daily about being unable to lose weight. We both have our battles and I have issues keeping them to myself. But it pretty much rules my life, and I am so self conscious going out in public, and when I see people. It's hard being fat - not just emotionally. Just yesterday my son called me unhealthy because I'm bigger than Andrea and she is healthy - not too skinny and not too fat in his words. I know I'm at an unhealthy weight, but I'm trying...but I just keep gaining.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

3 and 1

I think the pills may be working. I feel more balanced throughout the day - which is a good thing. I am still quick to a suicidal level of depression, and I still have many issues - but maybe we are getting to the point where my meds will be managed and therapy will be what helps me. Bad thing is, I can't really afford therapy - its so bloody expensive. It sucks that you have to pay sooo much money to get help. What do people do when they are broker than I am? How do they even manage?

My biggest issue is still my weight. I am eating more calories, though not as many as some silly calculator Andrea says I should be following - and running or doing runlets every other day (I used to say that I wouldn't call them runlets until after I was running double digit times, but even now at twenty minutes it's still not 30 and thus...to me...still seems like a runlet. Plus I am going so slow I mind as well be speed walking.) Yet, even through that I am not losing anything yet.

On a positive (though its not positive, but the talking about it was) I told Andrea that I am jealous of her. She informed me that she was jealous of me before. This helped. It helped to actually be able to say the words to her and have her not be shocked by them, and it helped to know that she was in the same position as me before. Its a hard one to be on, and now knowing both sides - well, I think I'd pick the thinner one. Its easier to have someone be jealous or envious of you than it is to be the green eyed monster. It was nice to not feel so alone with this, and to think of it from the standpoint of us understanding each other better. Afterall, if we both know what it's like to be in the other persons shoes, it makes it easier to handle and deal with each other - I think anyways.

Regardless, I still cry about my weight and appearance once a day minimum. Today I cried in a dressing room when I realized I'd be buying extra large clothes....extra large.....extra....seriously? When did that happen? I couldn't even try the extra large shirt on. I just bought it, embarassingly, and left the store near tears. How did I become that large and unhealthy?

My eyes still suck. Which is frustrating because it makes me fall asleep. Which is annoying to all. Its hard to sit there for 5-10 minutes at a time with your eyes closed because they ache or you can't see without getting tired and wanting to sleep or downright falling asleep. Sometimes I succeed in avoiding it - other times it feels like I can't help it. And still, other times I just need a nap in the middle of the day to refresh myself...and I think thats okay - better than getting irritable and miserable.

This time....3 steps forward and only 1 step back.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

EMDR and Psychotherapy

I went back to see Mark. I haven't seen him since August 8th of 2011. So it was almost a year to the date - very weird.

It was weird to see him again. I felt like a failure, and also felt a little skeptical on if he could help me, after all I saw him before - everyone said it did help me.

He suggested I try EMDR, eye movement desensitization something. I've done some reading on it, and like tapping, its a little out there - but I'm fine with out there. After all, I am a little weird.

Things are going better. I'm trying to stop myself from getting into a suicidal mood. And sometimes its hard. I tried to cut yesterday, for example, and couldn't even do that properly so I got even more upset. It seems all I do is extremes.

Exercise and what not is still happening. I've been pretty good at keeping it up and I'm proud of myself. I'm also doing some art at work (I only wish I could create on paper what is in my head), and meditating - and that seems to be helping to relax me.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 3

Sigh....

Ive been trying so hard. Running or working out nearly every day, eating well. I've gained 3 lbs in 6 days. My official weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm crossing my fingers that the 3lbs was a fluke or something.

My goal jeans, that could at least do up before, are like 3" too small. I look at Andrea and am so jealous - I hate that. I am not jealous of her working out or running - I know in my heart as frustrating as it is, that I will build speed and strength. But I am so jealous of the way she looks. She is so gorgeous, and so in shape looking. Even her hair is gorgeous. She has such feminine curves.

I dont want to be her, I just want to not be classified as obese according to my BMI. I don't want to see cellulite or find anymore stretchmarks. I don't want to not fit into size 36 pants because I'm so large. I don't want to hate the way I look all the time.

I feel like this has been a constant battle for like 5 months now, and I am no further along now than I was when I started. I swear I am eating healthy, and am actually giving it my all on workouts etc. Yet....jiggle jiggle.

Where did my thinner self go? She is trapped. I am worried she will never get out and this is just going to be my size and I have to get used to it. I am scared the inderal and increased lamotrigine will make me gain weight and slow my metabolism. I scared I'll gain more, I'm terrified of hitting 180 or higher. I am teetering on the verge of it.

We are who we are



I threw out my knife I used to cut before.

Progress.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

More Drugs

So the ect waitlist, which I was never taken off of, hasn't moved at all. This means it is a minimum of 4 weeks before I can start - assuming things start moving, I doubt they will. I told wiggers how I had been feeling, how many times I had been suicidal, what I had done about it and he suggested upping the abilify (which is what caused the anxiety, can't sit stillness), upping the lamotrigine slowly to 200mg (Im on 75mg now) and adding another drug called Inderal to help with the anxiety caused by the upped abilify. Inderal lowers my bloodpressure, and potentially will make me dizzy, nauseous, tired, change my vision (yay - with the upped lamotrigine already making it hard to see, Im sure Ill be blind now), and trouble sleeping.

The upped abilify will cause an increase in anxiety, sexual side effects, tiredness, nasuea, vomitting - you know the usual.

These very likely won't happen to me, but really...another medication, upping the others - when does it end. When do the meds stop?

Monday, 23 July 2012

ECT

I'm tired of waiting for stabilization, and I'm tired of waiting for the hospital. Its time I be more proactive for me and do what I think will work.

I've told wiggers, through email, that I want to be put on the wait list for ECT. He took me off when I went on the wait list for the hospital. I want ECT. I want to try something. Sitting around and waiting isn't helping.

I'm being self hateful, and self destructive, and nothing is really changing when it comes to my lows.

It's my turn to take control.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Eyes

So I have been having a lot of difficulty with my eyes. Its been increasing and getting worse for like 3 months but the last week has been absolutely brutal. I can't read more than a page or two, I can't drive more than like 10 minutes without my eyes going all cross-eyed, blurry and them wanting to close. I hate it and it feels so unsafe.

So I went to the eye doctor today. He told me there is nothing wrong with my eyes. He says he sees it often with lamotrigine. He said there is nothing he can do. I can maybe wear a patch on my left eye, but really?

These meds and this disease have taken everything. From my being, to my pride, to my relationships, to my body, and now my eyesight. It's awful.

I'm actually angry about this...its just one more thing.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Better or Worse

So...I thought I was doing better. I had three good days in a row. And then I crashed...and I crashed hard. Andrea and I had a conversation where we acted as each others best friends again instead of girlfriends - and it hit me hard how affected she is. I mean I knew it, but not in her words, and now I know it at a cellular level. It pains me and aches my heart to know how much this is hurting her. I don't regret her telling me, and it hasn't made anything worse, maybe it has motivated me more to find it within myself to get better. I'm not sure, but it did no harm.

So, on that note, I have decided, for sure, to go into the hospital when it is offered to me. I don't understand what is taking so long. I wonder if Wiggers even put me on the list. I am going to confirm this with him when he gets back. A part of me thinks he doesn't understand how low my lows are and how they need something to manage them. I can't be taking Ativan or going to bed at 8:30 for the rest of my life. I don't know what the hospital can do for me, but it's worth trying.

Part of me still thinks, and has thought for nearly a year now, that ECT would work for me. If I don't hear back from the hospital soon, I'm going to request going on that waitlist as well. I know it's drastic, but that's kind of how I am. I go big. My depression is big, when it's around. It takes over my life and my thoughts.

This weekend I actually had a moment of all out sobbing that could not be stopped. It just kept going. It was so intense. And then with everything else - life just got overwhelming.

I cut again a couple of weeks ago. This time on the side of my wrist. I wanted it visible to me always, and I wanted it close to death - if that makes sense. I've never cut so close to my wrist, and I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything, I just knew how desperate I was and wanted something to take me to that point. I did hold the knife to my wrist - not at all intending to do anything, but just to...see? idk. But this was definitely a first. This is what I mean by I still need help and what I'm doing isn't working.

I am trying to run every other day, eating better, trying to ingest healthier foods (organic, whole, raw etc) and my body is starting to feel better (not weight wise yet), but my brain just wont catch up.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Yup

I have never realized how much I hate myself to the core. I realized today that I do not deserve my spirit, I am doing it a disservice and it should go to another being another entity. It has nothing or little to do with my life, and more to do with me - who I am. I never had truly hated all of me as I do now.

Yup.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

More meds

I don't even know where I am on med updates....I am on 10mg of cipralex, 75mg of lamotrigine, some amount of abilify, and some amount of wellbutrin. I can't fathom that it takes me that many medications daily to make me sane....it baffles, sickens, and saddens me greatly.

The thing is I don't know if it's working. I'm meditating, which is an activity for me. I know it'll be easier with practice - but right now its so hard to do.

I find myself easily hating myself when I disappointing people I am trying to impress. Maybe that means I should stop trying to impress other people. That's exactly what it means, I'm sure of it - but I can't help it. I just feel like such a disappointment to everyone. My mom dislikes me for what I do and who I am with, Andrea hates the disease because it has become so much a part of me, Craig I am sure is disappointed in me for not making our marriage work, then there is stupid things like I feel like a disappointment to Jeremy at work because I have a crush on him but can't make him feel the same. I miss someone chasing me, or wanting me. I like to flirt but I have no one to flirt with anymore. At least with Tom and Ken and Dave I did.

Then there is the hatred for my weight. I am trying to not be okay with it, but...I don't know. I lost 5lbs. There is a healthy store in town that sells all organic, vegan, etc food and since the boys started bringing me smoothies (which have become my lunch) I have been feeling healthier. Maybe I just need to consume all my calories through liquids I can drink all through the day. I'm aware...hello water. But god I am disgusting - rolls, stretchmarks, jiggles....gross.

Plus now I think I need glasses. So now I'll be the fat butch lesbian with glasses.....

Monday, 2 July 2012

Meds Meds Time Away

Ao the cipralex was good, but even on its strongest dose it wasn't lasting. Even taking downing the epival didn't help as I was sent hypomanic. So he put ne on wellbutrin, and that saw no change in my suicidal or self harm thinking - so he decided to put me on abilify. Abilify is that drug that has akk those connercials where the risk of side effects is longer than the commercial.

Within 6 days n abilify I was experienc ing kinasesia (or something like that) where you are all jittery and angry and can't sit still. Sort of like mania, but without the happiness. It honestly feels like part of your brain and body are going crazy. It got worse and I actually managed to get him while he was at a conference. He told ne stop the abilify for 3 days and then go on half of what I was taking. We are still slowing the epival. The first day back on the abilify, I became half all jittery and half manic.

To this date, today, I am like a sleep walker...Idk. Im all fuzzy and frazzled, and can't remember things. I have another appoinment on the 6th.

I've also been put on the waitlist to be admitted to the hospital for a detox program for all the meds I've taken. Maybe find the right one. Who knows when I;ll get in.

I'm also worried about getting addicted to Ativan. I have an addictive personality.

RUNNING...is well happenning. Meditation is trying to happen. Im tryng to make strides....

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Running Review

I read This article a little while back. The blog is a fitness blog about a mama who gained quite a bit of weight after having kids, and vowed to get it off - she has done a great job. In it, sometimes, she discusses her battles with feeling blue or being mildly depressed. This specific entry caught my eye. Unlike her other entries it wasn't filled with inspirational crap, or the I did it and so can you, or the look how amazing I am things that I noticed tend to run rampant on her and many other fitness blogs. This post talks about how she was in a funk, and hadn't been to the gym in quite a while, she kept making excuses. Finally - she just did it. After her work out, she admits:

"I can’t promise you that working out will make you feel “better”, but it sure as hell won’t make you feel worse.

So that has been my motto for the past two weeks. I am NOT NOT in anyway trying to lose weight, I can't handle that right now. What I can handle is trying to exercise, and if I get to the point where I think weight loss could be something I can handle without falling apart then I will try to modify my eating. Food is still my best friend and enemy. I am 176lbs. I fear getting to 180, and then 200. But I am trying to accept that right now I am doing the best I can by running.

So I run. Sometimes I cry through my run, sometimes I have to lay on my bed for an hour before I can make myself get up. Most of the time it doesn't make me feel better, half the time it makes me feel defeated - but I do it. I run because I know its good for me in more ways than just for my physical health.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Here we Go Again

A new Medication.

So I hadn't heard from Wiggers by Friday so I called him and he emailed me back that evening. I replied back quite snappily. I don't think he got how serious things were becoming and how fast. I don't think he quite understood what I was doing to myself, I know I still don't.... he told me to call monday and make an appointment.

I guess he read my Friday email monday morning because he emailed me again and told me to come in ASAP. So I went in, thank goodness for a boss that will let me use one of his three cars. We talked and I told him everything. That Im not depressed all the time, but that I cycle so fast. That I can't concentrate at all at work anymore, and that I feel like I could sleep for hours all the time. I told him I look for an escape nearly every night and had been taking sleeping pills or tryptophan to knock myself out. I told him how close to suicide I had been, I laid it all out.

I told him I wanted to try ECT and that was one of my main reasons for not killing myself - it would be cheating to do it if I hadn't tried everything. I told him I didn't know a ton about it, but it was worth it to me. He explained that he didn't think it will work for me for a variety of reasons (age, class of symptoms etc). I told him that I felt like I needed to get back to baseline before any bipolar meds would be able to stabilize my moods. I told him that I need help accepting myself and being okay with me, and its the self loathing and others' judgment (or my perceived judgement) that causes me great pain. He wants to try one more med.

So I am now trying abilify - its the one with the horrible commercial that everyone makes fun of because it's list of side effects make up 2/3 of the commercial. I dont know. I took it last night. I felt so nauseous this morning, and it took me a while to fall asleep - but that could be nothing. Who knows.

I think I will email him and have him put me on the ECT outpatient list just in case - I can always be taken off if the abilify works.

Im so tired of medications.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

No Response

I emailed wiggers yesterday evening.

No response. I know I'm not top priority, but I thought I got my impending internal explosion message through to him pretty clearly.

Just another kick in the ass is all.

And on the sad fat girl note: I totally became that girl last night. And I cried and cried while I did it.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 2

Food. Food. Food.

Every time I take a bite of food I feel disgusted with myself. I see every morsel, every crumb as another cell of fat on my body. I hate it. I look at food as such an enemy. I am disgusted with myself.

So I feel awful about myself, and the only thing that makes me feel remotely better is food. So I take another bite, and another. Sometimes the boys bring me a muffin or a donut from timmy's - and I know I shouldn't eat it, but I do, because it makes me feel better.

Its a vicious cycle. I've given up on weight loss, and that makes my relationship with food even worse. I don't know what to do or where to begin.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Another difference

This is not only different feeling...its having a much different effect on Andrea. Before she was filled with energy to help me - Ive drained it now. I don't say this because she is being unreasonable; she isn't - but this go around, is so much harder for both of us. As a result we are both off, both distant, and both afraid of making the other feel bad/guilty/unhappy.

I dont even know what I want to say, or what Im feeling. It's not that I am hiding something or trying to keep things from her.

Sigh

I dont know how relationships are supposed to survive shit like this. I am constantly worried. What if this continues on and off for years, what if I am constantly dealing with this? I can't ask her to continue to do this. Moreover, Im not sure she would want to stay anyways.....

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Falling Silently

Couldn't even make it through my own kid's birthday without needing to pop a pill. Does that make me an addict, or does that make me pathetic? Im pretty sure its the latter, as this isn't the first time I've used something to get through an ocassion without internally exploding...*sigh*

Andrea confronted me about me being all off for the past week, and mentioned something about my moods over the past 5 days. She mentioned feeling hopeless and lonely. She asked if I was suicidal - I said sometimes, and then I said that it certainly felt like it was never going to go away. She said she can't live in fear forever. I dont blame her...and I dont want her to live that way.....

I dont want to live that way.

She suggests a med change. I say to what. It's all happening again. Only quieter this time..

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Sad Fat Girl - Part 1

I was contemplating starting another blog - called Sad Fat Girl. I almost did it too. But then I decided to pick up my old pen and paper journal and started flipping through it. It was at that point that I realized that in the midst of my horrid depression I was struggling immensely with my body weight and feminity. On top of that I referred to myself as the Sad Fat Girl. So, it's not right of me to start another blog, because these two issues are very inter-related. Instead, I shall just put a header as ny title any time I talk about this.

I am sitting in my bed, Andrea is sewing on the couch. I just want to hide from the world to be honest. There is a brownie in the fridge - and I am fighting every urge to go and get it and eat it in my bed in hiding. The only thing that is stopping me is the potential embarassment of them finding out what I'm doing. But, the fact of the matter is that I am *that* girl. The one who eats the food in hiding so no one knows how disgusting she really is - or at the very least I am on my way to being that girl.

I have given up in every sense of the word.

I am not nearly as outwardly depressed as I was last year - but I certainly am much more resigned and hopeless.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Fat

Im so fat. Seriously. I hate it. I hate being in my skin, in my body. I hate looking at me, I hate feeling me. I hate it all.

Emailed wiggers. Nothing he can do. Nothing can be done - except stopping my meds. Which I tried - and failed so poorly.

Andrea suggests weightwatchers. WW is for fat people who have no other choices, and can't do it themselves - which I guess is me perfectly, but fuck - I cant get a handle on my head, and now I can't get a handle on my own body. I depend on Andrea emotionally even. It's like I merely exist by leaning on people, and having crutches. I'm a weak miserable person.

I'm the same weight now I was when I started trying to lose weight. 12 weeks - no change. 170lbs....

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!!!

I quit. I can't do this any more. What's the point? I'm unhappy no matter what I do.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Secrets

I have dark secrets inside my head - I should share them. But I need to see what they mean, what they are going to do to me. I don't know yet, I am still waiting to find out. Or maybe I already know, and I just can't see it yet. Time will tell, as it always does.

Took an ativan last night. I can't handle things. My house is falling apart. I don't know how I am supposed to be everything to everyone in every way they need while at the same time figuring out who the fuck I am. I have these expectations or ideas or values of the mother I want to be - and I can't/am not that. And it burns my soul. I realized yesterday that Andrea's sees more of my kids in one day than I do in five. What kind of mother am I? I'm supposed to be this awesome marketing person and yet I can't motivate myself to actually do the work. I could be good at it - I think. Maybe I'm afraid to find out either way. I am afraid to succeed - because then there is the chance I will fail. And I am afraid to fail - because I can't afford to. So for now, I merely get by at the bare minimum - just to survive. My family wants me or expects me to feel a certain way about my grandma - but I have no idea what I feel. So I fake what I should be feeling. Death has never really been something that has affected me all that much - maybe I am cold hearted. People ask me how I am - and honestly, I am fine. Death doesn't seem that scary to me. I don't believe that our physical bodies here on this earth are the be all and end all of this existence and just because a physical body isn't here doesn't mean that its a horrible tragedy. Everybody must die - which is why we create memories with them - to sustain us when we cannot see them directly in front of us. But no one ever leaves us entirely. IDK. And then what about me? What do I want to be? idk.

I'm having self harmful thoughts a lot. I really want to act on them. Im sure its a control and anger thing. I feel I have no control, I am not grounded in any way - pain is a way of grounding myself - bringing myself back to the physical. Plus, I am angry - I am angry at myself and only myself, so I want to lash out at myself. I hate myself. I want to destroy this body, destroy this physical being and end up past this existence and rise to that place that is beyond this. What is beyond this? Idk...but I don't seem to fit in here. I need some enlightenment, some perspective. For now, Im just angry and trapped.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

changes and ditches

A week ago I was sitting in the van, waiting for a light to change and Hedley's Song Invincible came on the radio. This is significant because a few months back I felt like I was out of the woods. I only realized when hearing this song again, that I still wasn't out of the woods.

I wrote here, or in my written journal, that I was scared. I was scared because fighting this depression was like being a fish fighting to swim upstream. But what really scared me was that I worried that when I finally made it, finally reached the end of the river, I would simply land in a ditch and wonder what I was struggling for anyways, wonder what it was all for. I feel like I am in that ditch now. I have fought, and I am through the constant struggle - but now I am suffocating.

It's been a long battle. So long, that I cant actually remember who I was before. I see pictures: smiling, happy, thin, in love. I don't remember if I liked or disliked that person, but what I do know is that I hate the person I am now.

Depression, and all of this has changed me. It has ripped me of my self confidence. It has taken away my sociability. It has changed me physically. It has changed my chemically. I can actually feel things in my head differently now. Even Andrea says I don't smile like I used to. My heart is heavy, it has been aged. I had thought that making it through the worst would make me stronger, instead what I have found is that I am so weak.

I am alive - yes. I am stable (for the most part) - yes. I am not suicidal - yes. But at what cost? I always wondered if this and medication would change me completely. On some level I knew it would. But I feel like a completely different person now. I dont like that person. And now I am left wondering what the point of trying to save a life only to turn into something so hated and despised.

I don't know what to do, so I trudge forward. Constantly failing. Constantly feeling like I am letting myself and everyone around me down.

This is the new me I suppose.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Responsibility

I am feeling a lot of pressure from both my home and my work. I have so much responsibility and so much is riding on my shoulders.

At work I am the one who keeps this place afloat. I bring in the sales, as best I can, I do the accounting and payroll, I manage the boys, have meetings with potential clients, and it's just a lot. If I fail the business fails, and if the business fails then I am either out of a job or I will be fired. If I am fired than we have no income at home and can't afford to make ends meet.

At home, I am in charge of the finances and budgeting. I take care of everyone's finance stuff - even Craig's to some extent. I make sure everyone's papers or documents regarding the last 3 years are taken care of, and must find creative solutions to have us not have to pay back the insane amount of money we are told we currently owe.

I still need to do all of our taxes. So I have taxes, gst, and cctb to figure out. I need to take care of the government stuff while at work, because government offices aren't open on evenings or weekends - which means doing it at work, which means taking time away from work.

However, I am looking for a distraction. It's like there is so much responsibility that by avoiding it, I am pretending its not there and I'll never have to deal with it - but I know I will.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Legitimately Bad Day

Yesterday was actually a bad day. In some senses it felt good, because I was off and upset for a reason - not just because my mind is a little bit crazy.

First it was/would have been Joah's first birthday. It blows my mind to think of what life would be like. We would probably still be in the green house. We would have a 1 yr old! I wonder what she would be like. I wonder what my role would have been with her. I wonder if she would love me fiercely, or if she would have any knowledge of the uncertainty and drama that encompassed the beginning of her pregnancy. I often wonder if it was that negativity that caused her to feel unloved, unwanted, and thus not want to hold on any longer. So many what if's, so much sadness.

I'm feeling particularly large and unattractive. I have been doing a calorie restriction diet, and trying to power walk/work out for the past 8 weeks or so and have stayed the same weight for 3 weeks now. It's very frustrating and discouraging. I am disgusted by the way I look, but even when I try to change it - I still can't. Yesterday, was just bad - nothing looked good, my hair was a disaster, and I was so bloated. *sigh*

I have gotten a lot of flack at work for the past week or so because my sales haven't been that high. I am trying to do sales, and accounting, and payroll - and not being really familiar with any of those I am struggling. My sales suck, and its hard to find motivation to keep trying when I keep getting such negative feedback. Yesterday, Cliff talked to me about finding someone to just do sales because we need more money. I love talking to people - and I'll miss it if/when someone replaces me.

But hey, I was supposed to go to school. It seems the goals or whatever that I think I want come out of nowhere sometimes. Maybe I can make anything fit. But most of my goals for the past 4 years have involved helping my family, living more naturally, and feeling like I am making a difference. Andrea suggested a waldorf teacher and it took a lot of reading and soul searching and thought. But it sounded wonderful, and as I read more about it in books and online I realized how different waldorf is than I thought it was. It sounded like such a wonderful opportunity. But then we realized that if I get the loan I would need in order to go to school then we wouldn't be able to get Matt off the mortgage in December. So I can't get funding (which oddly enough was the problem last year), so I can't go to school. It was such a personal blow.

It was such a hard day...but I managed, albeit quietly and to myself..

Monday, 23 April 2012

Wellbutrin

So because the combination of cipralex and divalproex didn't seem to be doing the trick - completely, and since there were some awful side effects (inorgasmia, fatigue, drowsiness, weight gain etc), Dr. Wiggers added wellbutrin to the mix. What's funny about this is that wellbutrin was the drug that Mark (my old psychotherapist) said I should go on from the very beginning. It seems I was the only one who got a kick out of that. The wellbutrin seems to be quite fast acting - my energy level seems to have improved slightly, but I am hoping it increases more...much more. Also, I am experiencing intense hot flashes that seem to go hand in hand with these. I remember them vividly with the cymbalta - it can get rough, so I am hoping that it doesn't get that bad with this. I now take 3 pills in the morning: one blue, one pink, one white and then another pink one at bedtime...so many pills. Who'd have thunk it? Not me, that's for sure. Dr. Wiggers thinks I'm on the plateau now, getting better - and for most days I agree with him. I am much better than I was last year at this time, or even 6 months ago at this time - but its so scary when those dark thoughts start peering in, trying to take hold of me. They still come: the worthless feelings, the life is pointless feelings, the fact that its never going to get better. But - I seem to be able to keep them at bay.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

What I Need

I've realized something...this is not really mental health related but more...self care related I guess.

One of the things that always attracted me to Andrea, and one of the things I love most about her is how much she nurtures, and protects me. I feel very safe and comfortable with her.

Though that bothered my sometimes. I go for hugs and I curl my arms in and she puts her arm around me, or strokes my hair and sometimes it feels almost like I'm a child. Like I am being mothered. And that bothered me - I am an adult, why not only am I allowing myself to be treated like a child, and more over, why do I thrive on it so much.

Then I started thinking more about the art therapy I did a few months back. We were talking about my mom and how I often felt abandoned or not believed or that I had to take care of myself and her because she was busy trying to support her and her kids and taking care of her own wounds. So as much as I had a good childhood (with some traumatic events), I was never really mothered, never nurtured or protected. And maybe that's why I always had that protective defensive shell around me. That bitchy one who was mean to people and wouldn't let people in.

Then there came Andrea. And she has been there for me, and protected me, and got angry at the things that have happened to me, and done all of those things that someone who has unconditional love (like a parent) would do. And I love her for it. And it feels amazing to feel safe, to feel loved - unconditionally. There have been times I have tested her feelings, and there have been times where she has nearly gone against her feelings and chosen a different path - but I never doubted that she loved me. So I let her mother me, I let her build up that area of my self that was never built up before.

Maybe that's why I had my breakdown too - not at all saying it was her fault. But maybe I finally felt safe and supported and loved enough to let all of my pain out - and it hasn't been easy on either of us, and I am sorry she has to deal with my past issues and traumas.

I got a doll. And it makes me feel a little like a child as well. But I am embracing that side of myself. I am embracing the side of myself that didn't feel safe and secure enough to express my feelings as a kid. My sisters broke my doll, and I was made fun of for showing feelings - so I'm making up for that now. I allow myself to be nurtured and cared for, and I love my doll - and that's okay.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Tears

Do you know what's awesome - putting your head down on your desk at work and crying because that's all you have the energy left for.

I'm considering taking an Ativan so I don't have to feel. Haven't taken one of those for a while now...

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Excuses

I am retreating into myself. I am alone, and it is both my fault and my own doing. How can I expect other people to support me when I can't even support myself.

All the therapies, everyone, have said that in my dark times I am supposed to remember that it won't always be like this, and I have felt better (not saying I feel as bad I have in the past)...but my logical mind always asks, at what point does it become a game of balance? If you have 3 good days out of every 2 bad - than obviously you have more good than bad. If you get 1 good day out of every 5 bad is it really worth it? Is that one good day really worth suffering through the 5 bad?

Who is to say when a life is no longer worth it? How is it someone else's right to say that because you have some good it makes all the suffering worth it. Maybe the suffering isn't worth it. Maybe all those people who end their lives, or run away or whatever just can't do it anymore. Who are we to call them selfish, or degrade their character for the choice they have made. It is their life - and if they have deemed their life no longer worth it - who are we to say otherwise? We allow people say over every other part of their body, why not this? People who are stricken with a permanent diagnosis, something about their brain or body that is wrong, have to live with that their entire life - it isn't temporary. Treatable - maybe, but there is no cure. Just because we want to keep them around for us, doesn't mean we have a right to.

I'm tired of the fear, I'm tired of the constant threat. I am tired of being unmotivated at work and sitting there staring at my screen for 10 minutes because I can't care, because what's the point. I'm tired of going home with enthusiasm and hope only to have that hope dashed by my own faulty reasoning and assumptions. It's exhausting to me, and must be angering to everyone around me.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Back for good?

I had a really scary weekend. Especially Saturday. It was so rough. Not only was I down, I was outright depressed - crying, hopeless, thoughts of suicide and harming myself - it was awful.

I hate how when I am that low I can immediately go to suicide or getting out that way. I immediately think of ways I could do it, or when, or whatever - and it all seems so reasonable - so easy - so plausible. It's really quite terrifying on my end. It's not like I *want* to feel those things, I would give anything to not feel that way, but I feel like I can't control them.

Andrea was amazing this Saturday. I had forgotten how supportive she could be. I have been trying not to burden her with my problems or my issues because I know how tiring and exhausting they can be. Plus, she has so much on her plate that I hate being an extra thing, not me I guess, but my emotional instability. She kept encouraging me to keep trying, kept supporting me, just hugging me when I was crying. It was wonderful, and yet made me sad that it has to be done at all.

I really hope that this isn't a warning of what is to come. I hope I am not continuing down a road to depression again - it was rough last time. I know I will have bad days, and I know I will have manic days - those are inevitable in my future. I know on my manic days I need to give up my debit card and keys and manage it as best I can. I know the tools for that. But I don't know how to manage the depression. I don't know any other tools other than the ones I am currently trying, but those don't seem to be working when I need them to.

Another day...one at a time

Friday, 30 March 2012

A Year and a Day

March 29th...that's the very first day I ever took an anti-depressant. I remember the little blue pill very clearly.I remember throwing up in the bathroom of the walk in clinic, I remember stoppin at the grocery store on the way home and picking up junk food so I could return home to Andrea, cry, and eat myself into being happy - it didn't work.

It's been a year and a day. 367 days (cause we had a leap year). I often wonder still if its been worth it. All the medications. I've lost so much time, chunks of my memory, money, self respect, self esteem, sex drive and so many other things. Who knows what I would be like if I hadn't started taking them. I worry what it's done to my body, to my brain. Have they affected my life span? I've come along way from the person I was 367 days ago, I know I have - but its hard to believe that I've been on medication for so long.


---------


I finished the Emotional regulation thrapy group this week. Odd that my last day there was also on the anniversary of the start of my medication - a thought that was not lost on me yesterday. I had so hoped that by the end of my 14 weeks that, idk...not that I'd be cured but that I would feel more prepared than I do. The last group of graduates had some amazingly competent people - and I know I can't compare lives to them, but I wanted to be there. To have the know how, the strength to face everything without the constant resource or reminders of the things I am supposed to be trying.

I am glad I went, I do feel like I've benefited from it - but I didn't get what I wanted. I got something good, it was a positive experience - but it wasn't what I wanted.

Friday, 23 March 2012

A Weird Realization

I have been going down a slippery slope for the past week. I can feel my mood slipping. I am trying to do all the things that you are supposed to do - and I am doing a decent job - I hope it passes soon. But, that isn't what this is about...

During the past few days, I have had an urge to cut again - I had forgotten what that urge had felt like, how dark it feels. One night, I believe it was Monday, I had resisted the urge to cut and was taking a shower and shaving my legs. I shaved over top of my very scarred upper thigh...and realized...

...There once was a time where I couldn't shave over a large part of my leg because it was so cut up and raw. Now they are healed and merely a memory.

...There once was a time where I couldn't go an hour without thinking about cutting. Now I can't remember the last time I did.

...There once was a time when the hot water couldn't touch my leg without it searing and burning. Now, the water runs over my entire body without pain.

I have come a long way when it comes to cutting. I can't let myself forget that in my dark moments where I want to cut again. I like being able to shower without pain.

Though it will be quite some time before I can wear a bathing suit without being self conscious of it riding up, or changing in front of the kids or Andrea. Though I will mostly likely have constant scars on my leg - they are not real. They are the past.

And I hope they stay that way.

Monday, 19 March 2012

One Thing

It's not her fault - at all.

I was having a good day, considering it's Monday and most of my Mondays are bad because of the instability of the weekend. But it was going all right. I was being relatively productive at work, and looking forward to going home.

And then.

Andrea confirmed something I already knew. When I was putting laundry away last night I noticed my size 29 jeans were there. I can't wear them anymore, I'm too fat - which means Andrea wears them. Which means she is smaller than me, which means I am fat.

I'm so proud of her, she has been working so hard on and off to try to lose weight and like her body better. But this has left me feeling horribly defeated. Even though I already knew it was happening.

I was trying to eat healthy, and exercising; cut out most sugars. I thought I was doing well. Weighed myself - gained weight. Another week went by, eating well etc; gained more weight. In total - in 4 weeks, I gained 10lbs. What's the point? I try and I fail. I have failed my body and I am resigned to fat. Disgusting gross fat. I hate the way I look.

I wish I could be one of those girls who could embrace their size, show it off, be proud of everything their body's have done. But that's not me. I was 110lbs. I did like the way I looked at one point. While I figured that being 100lbs wouldn't last I guessed that given my bone structure and what not 120lbs was my ideal normal size and that if I kept things normal I'd stay 120lbs. I was 120...went on meds..went to 130...got depressed, changed meds...140...150....160....165...started exercising...175. Im destined to be fat. Destined to be large. Destined to hate myself.

At least before when I was fat and hated myself I had my head. I knew I was intelligent, knew I was quick witted, knew I was funny, knew all these things. I felt strong, and competent - like I could always make it on my own. I am now a broken shell of what I once was. I am no longer intelligent - the meds, the bipolar - everything else has made all my thoughts foggy. Most jokes offend me, and I don't like being the butt of everyone's jokes like I was before. I am sensitive, and I cry all the time. I am weak, and people are afraid of my emotions. Afraid of me getting overwhelmed.

I am broken. I am fat. I hate myself.

I'm tired of hating myself. I am tired of trying things: all the different meds, therapies etc and having them fail, having me be reliant on something synthetic in order to make me function at even base level. I'm tired of trying to better my physique and my body and being shot down by lack of progress and weight gain.

All I do is fail, and frankly - I'm tired of trying.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Is it my fault?

I'm becoming more comfortable in telling people my diagnosis. I don't go around talking about it - but sometimes, with those I trust or I think are 'smart' enough to actually get it, I do admit it. I will say, I am still slightly ashamed and very embarrassed - but I have to embrace it.

So I did at work. My boss asked about my drug use, as he knew I was taking something, and was surprised I was so high functioning given my meds. This offended me, on so many levels. Like those with bipolar, or those on medication can't be functioning adults - can't be normal like everyone else, can't essentially do things because of what we have or what we take.

Then I mentioned to my coworkers about it, as we were talking about mental health issues. They seemed very knowledgeable and open, so I told them. They were quite understanding, asking questions and what not. Then I overheard them talking about how they think that most mental health issues can be prevented with proper diet, exercise, and environment.

Now I am not saying that diet, exercise, and environment can help these things - but all of those issues just seem to suggest that I had brought this on myself. That if I didn't eat that chocolate bar (or any of those chocolate bars), or run a little further, or didn't move to the big city for school I might not be bipolar now. I might have been able to prevent it.

Maybe I could have? Maybe I could have learned to control my emotions better as a child, talked about things more, found a healthy outlet..maybe...maybe...

Is there something to that? I'm trying not to berate myself - but it's hard to know that even the most intelligent people, even the one's you think won't judge you actually do, in their own quiet way.

On that note, however, I know I can help myself.

I am so influenced by sleep - or lack thereof. When I don't get a restful sleep or I am tired in the morning, it makes my whole day hard - like I don't have any energy left for anything, so I just lose control of everything. I need to find a way to be okay with asking to go back to sleep for an hour, or to lay down. It really is better for everyone if I am happier - it's just so hard to realize that when I'm already in that place.

The other one is hydration. Or again, lack thereof. I am craving juice lately - so hard. I know that means I need so much more water than I am getting, and perhaps some sugars? I have been drastically cutting out my sugars, chocolate and what not in an effort to lose weight, so maybe the lack of water and lack of high sugar foods are making me crave juice - and I think the lack of water also makes me tired; which just compounds the lack of restful sleep issue above.

It amazes me how interconnected everything is.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Overreactions and Cipralex

I was without cipralex for part of the day on Sunday. I cant describe how that felt. it was quite scary. I was ashamed and hated myself for needing it, and could feel myself slipping away emotionally. I was terrified of the fact that I didn't have it. I was almost in a panicked state. Evidently I have come to depend on it, and I hate that. It's scary to start the journey to being okay with depending on a medication to make you happy (especially for me who is so against medication) and then being told that you can't have it. It was an awful day for so many reasons.

But, I wanted to review a blog article I read. This one is from Bipolar Burble whose link is on my blog list to the right. There is an article about emotional overreaction and depression . I resonated so much with this article. Andrea can attest to it. It so hard to explain to someone who isn't going through it, who doesn't know what it's like to have one minor thing cause your whole self worth to be called into question.

That's what it's like for me. I can be having a decent or even good day - and then " Suddenly something bad happening is about you. It’s your fault. It proves that you are dysfunctional. It proves that no one loves you now or ever will in the future.

The article suggests some things to try:
"Here are some suggestions for avoiding an emotional overreaction thanks to depression:
-Remember that life events neither confirm nor deny who you are. They aren’t about you.
-Nip overreaction in the bud – it’s easier to survive a breeze than a hurricane.
-Use your self-talk. Talk to yourself as if you were talking to someone else who this happened to.
-Do a reality check. Don’t know if you’re having a reasonable reaction? Check with others.
-Do something else – pass by the event by moving on to something you want to do, maybe something that engages others who can affirm who you are.
"

I don't like these. With the exception of a reality check. I don't really know what will work for me. But I know Andrea likes to ask whats wrong, and then I tell her (even if its something small and silly), and sometimes her reaction makes it worse. She will call it stupid, or make it seem like I am overreacting - which I already know I am. I know its stupid - but that doesn't change the fact that I feel it.

I don't know. Maybe for me, I need some outward affirmation that yes this seems horrible, and yes it feels like the end of the world. But, it will pass, and I am still loved. I know I need to know these things on my own; I'll get there one day. I'm just not there yet. And I still overreact - and I still feel the world is against me and I am unlovable sometimes.