Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Back at the Start

I feel like I'm back where I was before I got depressed. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm not as crazy or crying all the time or whatever as I have been the last few months (several months I guess), but I'm back to where I started. I've been depressed for over a year and a year of different therapies, and medications and what not I'm just back to where I started, only I'm a lot weaker and really scared.

I feel those same feelings I did before; the what do I have that's mine, what do I like about myself, what's the point of my life, thinking I have no self worth etc etc etc..they are all still there. Despite the therapies, and attempted suicides, and hospital stays the thoughts are still there. What's to stop me from going down that same road again? I don't have the strength I did 9 months ago to endure this again. I am so scared that because nothing has changed within me that it's not going to get better - that I just have to deal with the fact that this is my life.

I don't think it's because of my lack of trying. I tried psychotherapy - but stopped, and I was feeling like my therapist didn't think he could help me any longer. I tried art therapy - where I learned I have issues stemming from my childhood, and from my mother. It did make me think about my mom and childhood differently but the tools given to overcome those issues (acknowledge the problem, don't resist it, your mind knows how to deal with it if you don't fight it) just wasn't working. I was doing a DBT workbook but breathing exercises and baths just weren't doing it either. I tried tapping (or EFT), and while that did allow me to process some sexual abuse from when I was younger it wasn't helping with the problems I was experiencing right then and right now. Now I am in that support group - I'm trying to use some of their tools, but what good is standing up for things that I want, when I really don't know what I want, and really don't know what I need. What's there to stand up for?

I have nothing that's mine because I don't know what I want. I have no goals because I have no dreams, no desires. I don't like who I am, and don't value myself. Maybe if I valued myself I would like myself, and if I liked myself I would have dreams, and if I had dreams I would know what I wanted.

Makes me wonder if I would still be here if I hadn't started any therapy or meds at all, if I had just done it on my own. But we'll never know.

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