Monday, 2 January 2012

Manic

So I'm on the effexor and the exhaustion has come back, and I experienced a manic episode on the 30th. I can see now how it was growing: my angry day, my "need" to do things and keep busy, my suddenly very enhanced sex drive (rather than the slow coming back up like it had been doing since stopping the zyprexa), and then on the 30th I just lost it mentally. My skin was bothering me, I couldn't sit still, my mind was racing. I told Andrea I was going to bed and she made me tell her why. Truth is I didn't want to see where my mania would take me so I thought I could just sleep it off. She told me I should take some Zyprexa - and I did. Within 20 minutes I was calm, and within 30 I was passed out. The next day is a blur. I couldn't wake up properly at night to parent. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and when I finally did I couldn't actually function. I just couldn't wake up until about 11:00a, and even then all day I was quiet and off, and not really there. It was an awful state to be in and I wonder if that's what's to be expected. I felt a little bit manic yesterday, but it just felt hyper it didn't feel destructive or overwhelming so I didn't take anything for it.

I've lost the ability I had a few short weeks ago to just embrace the way I look for now. It was blissful, and while I am not obsessing over it, or depressed by it (yet), It's still on my mind. My biggest obstacle is not my want (or need) to do it, it's actually finding time. I know, just make time, but honestly when? If I could find time I probably would do them...I think..IDK..its been so long now.

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