Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Missing in Action

I haven't posted in nearly two weeks.

The truth is, I've been in a really weird head space for the past little while. I feel better, and I feel worse.

I have cut my leg horribly on two occasions, written horrible things about myself on my body in sharpie to serve as a reminder, cried, cursed, and over reacted when I didn't need to. But I have also laughed, and snuggled, and forgotten how broken I can feel. It's painfully bittersweet.

Andrea has suggested, at least twice now, that maybe I am just attached to the label - because it's easier to be depressed because it's what I know. I can see that in some ways, habits are habits for a reason. But at the same time I would never *chose* to write the things I write on myself, even if it were easier. I would never *chose* to continue to be a burden to her. I know, sometimes, I can feel myself sinking into old behaviours or habits that cause my feeling low - and I try to get out of them (sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail), but other times I'm just there: experiencing it, living it, being unable to escape it.

I feel like a different person than I did 3 months ago. I feel more stable, in a way. I feel like I am at a place, sometimes, where I can handle my ups and downs. I'm pretty good at managing things when I feel an up coming - a few have happened that I think (I hope?) have gone unnoticed. And I'm getting better at the downs - it's just hard. I know I am being watched. I know every down is more draining for her, more frustrating, more everything. I don't expect her to be available to me to help get me out of everyone of them; I need to be able to do that on my own, but I am still learning how. I am still learning how to survive with myself the way I am now. I am still learning how to function with my brain chemistry working the way it does now. I wonder if it will ever go back to 'normal' or if I will always have episodes, and frankly - I can't have it matter too much. If I obsess over being normal I will just feel like shit.

This is who I am right now. I experience manic episodes. I experience very low lows. I still need help. I am stronger than I was before, but I am still new. I am still learning. One day this will either be a thing of the past, or I will have a firm hold on how to live with my disorder.

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