Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Two steps back and one step forward

Nights are hard, I really don't want to go to bed. It is mildly to do with not wanting to do the requisite before bed tasks - but there is something else as well. Even when I am in bed I find myself laying there for what feels like hours (and sometimes it is) sometimes stressing, sometimes worrying, sometimes just laying there thinking nothing at all. I tried taking a Zyprexa the other night, and it did help me go to sleep but even at the lowest dose I have (2.5Mg) it still left me feeling super groggy and dull the next day. I don't like feeling like that.

I had emailed Wiggers on Monday saying that I was out of refills, though the pharmacy had given me an emergency supply, and telling him that though I felt better overall, I'm still down overall. I still cut on average of once a week, I write on my body, I still contemplate suicide and sometimes think of ways I could die (either by accident or on purpose) in order to calm myself down. I wanted him to understand that though these seem to be working, I guess, I'm still not at baseline, or even close to baseline - though I am a lot closer than I was before. He emailed me back, thanking me for the update, saying he refilled my prescription, and that I needed therapy or a support group. That was it. It was the most uncaring email that I've read from him and it hit me hard. I know he sees a lot of patients, and I know I am not the most in need, but I actually thought that some part of him cared about his patience - whereas now I feel like merely a file number, or a nuisance to him. I am not sure I will email him again before the 6 months when my prescription is due to run out again....that's right..another 6 months on these pills. *sigh*

I have had a sudden urge to take beeswax crayons to canvas. I don't know why. The feel of beeswax is pristine, and there is something about canvas that just seems to bring colour to life; but I've never seen the two together. It feels like an emotional need of sorts. Some sort of freeing exercise. But I really want to finish Kahlan's sweater too, and Romans, and Teo's and Roman's slippers. So there isn't a lot of time for soulful activities. But I feel it needs to be done, and I don't even have a vision for what it will look like. Maybe one day this weekend when the kids are gone I'll put on some nice music and draw my picture and see what comes out. Man..that whole paragraph sounded so fruity. But I guess part of this emotional journey is getting in touch with things that fill my cup.

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