Thursday, 9 February 2012

I don't think I am coming home today

I feel like I`m going to puke.

Sad songs on youtube - nothing is quite right. Adele comes close.

I am done.

I think a part of her hates me and resents me.

My kids deserve such a better mom than I can be.

I can`t work today.

I can`t get a handle on myself or my thoughts or my feelings. I am starting to wonder if I ever will. I`m destroying Andrea. I`m sabotaging myself. And I can`t stop it.

I see Wiggers today. I am terrified he will commit me. I am terrified he won`t.

I honestly can`t do this anymore. I am a prisoner in my own head.

I long for the days before I went crazy. I no longer can recall what control over myself feels like.

I can`t stop eating. I wish I could. I die a little inside with every bite of food. I hate what its doing to my body, I hate how it makes me feel.

I hate myself. I want to be somebody else.

I want to walk forever, I want to hole up all by myself and never move.

I want my sanity back.

I used to be the strong one. I used to have everything under control. I used to be thin. I used to be happy. I used to be able to make her laugh. I used to be able to cuddle with them forever. I used to have high hopes for my future. I used to..I used to..I USED TO!

I`m falling apart. I`ve already fallen. I`ve used all the resources I have.

I feel lost. I feel trapped. I feel dead. I feel hopeless.

I`ve let everyone down.

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