Monday, 6 February 2012

No Title

So much to say. I have been wanting to write for about 3 days, but never had a chance to do it. So I will try to remember my list.

I am just beginning I think to come to terms with being bipolar. I am actually able to say out loud that I have bipolar II. I was told this back in November - but I couldn't handle it then. I am going through the stages of grief - what am I grieving? I am not sure, maybe the loss of a normal life, or normal functioning. I know there is nothing in the world that is normal; but I have to accept that my head does not process incoming signals appropriately. I am at the anger stage. I am angry at my diagnosis. I am angry that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I am angry that there are things I have to be aware of (like drinking) and that I have to micro manage my thoughts to ensure I don't over react. I am angry. I am angry on Andrea's behalf who has to deal with me and this for the rest of her life. I am angry on my kids' behalf for all the times I haven't been in control of myself and taken it out on them. I am angry that my bio kids have a higher likelihood of having a mental illness.

This topic has come up before but I also feel incredibly trapped. When I am on the medication I am so trapped with how they make me feel. I can feel myself under a heavy blanket. I can feel whoever *I* am underneath how they are making me feel. When I am off my medication I can feel myself trapped by my irrationality. I am trapped underneath myself. The me, whoever the hell that is, can't come out. I feel so lost, so I survive. I go to work, I come home, I play with the kids as best I can - and it is only when the responsibilities are done that I allow myself to even feel how lost I am. And maybe that's why the evenings are so hard - because I realize just how trapped I really am.

I am in such an off state lately. The hypomania combined with the effexor withdrawal was really messing with me. I was hallucinating an alternate realty, I couldn't sleep, I was having multiple vision (not double...multiple), I was having the effexor shocks. My moods were (are still) up and down at a moments notice. I was debilitated in the car and on the bathroom floor (multiple times) by sadness. I made plans to kill myself. It has been an insane weekend.

Andrea dreads the weekends :(

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