Monday, 5 March 2012

Is it my fault?

I'm becoming more comfortable in telling people my diagnosis. I don't go around talking about it - but sometimes, with those I trust or I think are 'smart' enough to actually get it, I do admit it. I will say, I am still slightly ashamed and very embarrassed - but I have to embrace it.

So I did at work. My boss asked about my drug use, as he knew I was taking something, and was surprised I was so high functioning given my meds. This offended me, on so many levels. Like those with bipolar, or those on medication can't be functioning adults - can't be normal like everyone else, can't essentially do things because of what we have or what we take.

Then I mentioned to my coworkers about it, as we were talking about mental health issues. They seemed very knowledgeable and open, so I told them. They were quite understanding, asking questions and what not. Then I overheard them talking about how they think that most mental health issues can be prevented with proper diet, exercise, and environment.

Now I am not saying that diet, exercise, and environment can help these things - but all of those issues just seem to suggest that I had brought this on myself. That if I didn't eat that chocolate bar (or any of those chocolate bars), or run a little further, or didn't move to the big city for school I might not be bipolar now. I might have been able to prevent it.

Maybe I could have? Maybe I could have learned to control my emotions better as a child, talked about things more, found a healthy outlet..maybe...maybe...

Is there something to that? I'm trying not to berate myself - but it's hard to know that even the most intelligent people, even the one's you think won't judge you actually do, in their own quiet way.

On that note, however, I know I can help myself.

I am so influenced by sleep - or lack thereof. When I don't get a restful sleep or I am tired in the morning, it makes my whole day hard - like I don't have any energy left for anything, so I just lose control of everything. I need to find a way to be okay with asking to go back to sleep for an hour, or to lay down. It really is better for everyone if I am happier - it's just so hard to realize that when I'm already in that place.

The other one is hydration. Or again, lack thereof. I am craving juice lately - so hard. I know that means I need so much more water than I am getting, and perhaps some sugars? I have been drastically cutting out my sugars, chocolate and what not in an effort to lose weight, so maybe the lack of water and lack of high sugar foods are making me crave juice - and I think the lack of water also makes me tired; which just compounds the lack of restful sleep issue above.

It amazes me how interconnected everything is.

No comments:

Post a Comment