I have been going down a slippery slope for the past week. I can feel my mood slipping. I am trying to do all the things that you are supposed to do - and I am doing a decent job - I hope it passes soon. But, that isn't what this is about...
During the past few days, I have had an urge to cut again - I had forgotten what that urge had felt like, how dark it feels. One night, I believe it was Monday, I had resisted the urge to cut and was taking a shower and shaving my legs. I shaved over top of my very scarred upper thigh...and realized...
...There once was a time where I couldn't shave over a large part of my leg because it was so cut up and raw. Now they are healed and merely a memory.
...There once was a time where I couldn't go an hour without thinking about cutting. Now I can't remember the last time I did.
...There once was a time when the hot water couldn't touch my leg without it searing and burning. Now, the water runs over my entire body without pain.
I have come a long way when it comes to cutting. I can't let myself forget that in my dark moments where I want to cut again. I like being able to shower without pain.
Though it will be quite some time before I can wear a bathing suit without being self conscious of it riding up, or changing in front of the kids or Andrea. Though I will mostly likely have constant scars on my leg - they are not real. They are the past.
And I hope they stay that way.