I had a really scary weekend. Especially Saturday. It was so rough. Not only was I down, I was outright depressed - crying, hopeless, thoughts of suicide and harming myself - it was awful.
I hate how when I am that low I can immediately go to suicide or getting out that way. I immediately think of ways I could do it, or when, or whatever - and it all seems so reasonable - so easy - so plausible. It's really quite terrifying on my end. It's not like I *want* to feel those things, I would give anything to not feel that way, but I feel like I can't control them.
Andrea was amazing this Saturday. I had forgotten how supportive she could be. I have been trying not to burden her with my problems or my issues because I know how tiring and exhausting they can be. Plus, she has so much on her plate that I hate being an extra thing, not me I guess, but my emotional instability. She kept encouraging me to keep trying, kept supporting me, just hugging me when I was crying. It was wonderful, and yet made me sad that it has to be done at all.
I really hope that this isn't a warning of what is to come. I hope I am not continuing down a road to depression again - it was rough last time. I know I will have bad days, and I know I will have manic days - those are inevitable in my future. I know on my manic days I need to give up my debit card and keys and manage it as best I can. I know the tools for that. But I don't know how to manage the depression. I don't know any other tools other than the ones I am currently trying, but those don't seem to be working when I need them to.
Another day...one at a time