I am retreating into myself. I am alone, and it is both my fault and my own doing. How can I expect other people to support me when I can't even support myself.
All the therapies, everyone, have said that in my dark times I am supposed to remember that it won't always be like this, and I have felt better (not saying I feel as bad I have in the past)...but my logical mind always asks, at what point does it become a game of balance? If you have 3 good days out of every 2 bad - than obviously you have more good than bad. If you get 1 good day out of every 5 bad is it really worth it? Is that one good day really worth suffering through the 5 bad?
Who is to say when a life is no longer worth it? How is it someone else's right to say that because you have some good it makes all the suffering worth it. Maybe the suffering isn't worth it. Maybe all those people who end their lives, or run away or whatever just can't do it anymore. Who are we to call them selfish, or degrade their character for the choice they have made. It is their life - and if they have deemed their life no longer worth it - who are we to say otherwise? We allow people say over every other part of their body, why not this? People who are stricken with a permanent diagnosis, something about their brain or body that is wrong, have to live with that their entire life - it isn't temporary. Treatable - maybe, but there is no cure. Just because we want to keep them around for us, doesn't mean we have a right to.
I'm tired of the fear, I'm tired of the constant threat. I am tired of being unmotivated at work and sitting there staring at my screen for 10 minutes because I can't care, because what's the point. I'm tired of going home with enthusiasm and hope only to have that hope dashed by my own faulty reasoning and assumptions. It's exhausting to me, and must be angering to everyone around me.