I've realized something...this is not really mental health related but more...self care related I guess.
One of the things that always attracted me to Andrea, and one of the things I love most about her is how much she nurtures, and protects me. I feel very safe and comfortable with her.
Though that bothered my sometimes. I go for hugs and I curl my arms in and she puts her arm around me, or strokes my hair and sometimes it feels almost like I'm a child. Like I am being mothered. And that bothered me - I am an adult, why not only am I allowing myself to be treated like a child, and more over, why do I thrive on it so much.
Then I started thinking more about the art therapy I did a few months back. We were talking about my mom and how I often felt abandoned or not believed or that I had to take care of myself and her because she was busy trying to support her and her kids and taking care of her own wounds. So as much as I had a good childhood (with some traumatic events), I was never really mothered, never nurtured or protected. And maybe that's why I always had that protective defensive shell around me. That bitchy one who was mean to people and wouldn't let people in.
Then there came Andrea. And she has been there for me, and protected me, and got angry at the things that have happened to me, and done all of those things that someone who has unconditional love (like a parent) would do. And I love her for it. And it feels amazing to feel safe, to feel loved - unconditionally. There have been times I have tested her feelings, and there have been times where she has nearly gone against her feelings and chosen a different path - but I never doubted that she loved me. So I let her mother me, I let her build up that area of my self that was never built up before.
Maybe that's why I had my breakdown too - not at all saying it was her fault. But maybe I finally felt safe and supported and loved enough to let all of my pain out - and it hasn't been easy on either of us, and I am sorry she has to deal with my past issues and traumas.
I got a doll. And it makes me feel a little like a child as well. But I am embracing that side of myself. I am embracing the side of myself that didn't feel safe and secure enough to express my feelings as a kid. My sisters broke my doll, and I was made fun of for showing feelings - so I'm making up for that now. I allow myself to be nurtured and cared for, and I love my doll - and that's okay.