Thursday, 31 May 2012

Secrets

I have dark secrets inside my head - I should share them. But I need to see what they mean, what they are going to do to me. I don't know yet, I am still waiting to find out. Or maybe I already know, and I just can't see it yet. Time will tell, as it always does.

Took an ativan last night. I can't handle things. My house is falling apart. I don't know how I am supposed to be everything to everyone in every way they need while at the same time figuring out who the fuck I am. I have these expectations or ideas or values of the mother I want to be - and I can't/am not that. And it burns my soul. I realized yesterday that Andrea's sees more of my kids in one day than I do in five. What kind of mother am I? I'm supposed to be this awesome marketing person and yet I can't motivate myself to actually do the work. I could be good at it - I think. Maybe I'm afraid to find out either way. I am afraid to succeed - because then there is the chance I will fail. And I am afraid to fail - because I can't afford to. So for now, I merely get by at the bare minimum - just to survive. My family wants me or expects me to feel a certain way about my grandma - but I have no idea what I feel. So I fake what I should be feeling. Death has never really been something that has affected me all that much - maybe I am cold hearted. People ask me how I am - and honestly, I am fine. Death doesn't seem that scary to me. I don't believe that our physical bodies here on this earth are the be all and end all of this existence and just because a physical body isn't here doesn't mean that its a horrible tragedy. Everybody must die - which is why we create memories with them - to sustain us when we cannot see them directly in front of us. But no one ever leaves us entirely. IDK. And then what about me? What do I want to be? idk.

I'm having self harmful thoughts a lot. I really want to act on them. Im sure its a control and anger thing. I feel I have no control, I am not grounded in any way - pain is a way of grounding myself - bringing myself back to the physical. Plus, I am angry - I am angry at myself and only myself, so I want to lash out at myself. I hate myself. I want to destroy this body, destroy this physical being and end up past this existence and rise to that place that is beyond this. What is beyond this? Idk...but I don't seem to fit in here. I need some enlightenment, some perspective. For now, Im just angry and trapped.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

changes and ditches

A week ago I was sitting in the van, waiting for a light to change and Hedley's Song Invincible came on the radio. This is significant because a few months back I felt like I was out of the woods. I only realized when hearing this song again, that I still wasn't out of the woods.

I wrote here, or in my written journal, that I was scared. I was scared because fighting this depression was like being a fish fighting to swim upstream. But what really scared me was that I worried that when I finally made it, finally reached the end of the river, I would simply land in a ditch and wonder what I was struggling for anyways, wonder what it was all for. I feel like I am in that ditch now. I have fought, and I am through the constant struggle - but now I am suffocating.

It's been a long battle. So long, that I cant actually remember who I was before. I see pictures: smiling, happy, thin, in love. I don't remember if I liked or disliked that person, but what I do know is that I hate the person I am now.

Depression, and all of this has changed me. It has ripped me of my self confidence. It has taken away my sociability. It has changed me physically. It has changed my chemically. I can actually feel things in my head differently now. Even Andrea says I don't smile like I used to. My heart is heavy, it has been aged. I had thought that making it through the worst would make me stronger, instead what I have found is that I am so weak.

I am alive - yes. I am stable (for the most part) - yes. I am not suicidal - yes. But at what cost? I always wondered if this and medication would change me completely. On some level I knew it would. But I feel like a completely different person now. I dont like that person. And now I am left wondering what the point of trying to save a life only to turn into something so hated and despised.

I don't know what to do, so I trudge forward. Constantly failing. Constantly feeling like I am letting myself and everyone around me down.

This is the new me I suppose.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Responsibility

I am feeling a lot of pressure from both my home and my work. I have so much responsibility and so much is riding on my shoulders.

At work I am the one who keeps this place afloat. I bring in the sales, as best I can, I do the accounting and payroll, I manage the boys, have meetings with potential clients, and it's just a lot. If I fail the business fails, and if the business fails then I am either out of a job or I will be fired. If I am fired than we have no income at home and can't afford to make ends meet.

At home, I am in charge of the finances and budgeting. I take care of everyone's finance stuff - even Craig's to some extent. I make sure everyone's papers or documents regarding the last 3 years are taken care of, and must find creative solutions to have us not have to pay back the insane amount of money we are told we currently owe.

I still need to do all of our taxes. So I have taxes, gst, and cctb to figure out. I need to take care of the government stuff while at work, because government offices aren't open on evenings or weekends - which means doing it at work, which means taking time away from work.

However, I am looking for a distraction. It's like there is so much responsibility that by avoiding it, I am pretending its not there and I'll never have to deal with it - but I know I will.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Legitimately Bad Day

Yesterday was actually a bad day. In some senses it felt good, because I was off and upset for a reason - not just because my mind is a little bit crazy.

First it was/would have been Joah's first birthday. It blows my mind to think of what life would be like. We would probably still be in the green house. We would have a 1 yr old! I wonder what she would be like. I wonder what my role would have been with her. I wonder if she would love me fiercely, or if she would have any knowledge of the uncertainty and drama that encompassed the beginning of her pregnancy. I often wonder if it was that negativity that caused her to feel unloved, unwanted, and thus not want to hold on any longer. So many what if's, so much sadness.

I'm feeling particularly large and unattractive. I have been doing a calorie restriction diet, and trying to power walk/work out for the past 8 weeks or so and have stayed the same weight for 3 weeks now. It's very frustrating and discouraging. I am disgusted by the way I look, but even when I try to change it - I still can't. Yesterday, was just bad - nothing looked good, my hair was a disaster, and I was so bloated. *sigh*

I have gotten a lot of flack at work for the past week or so because my sales haven't been that high. I am trying to do sales, and accounting, and payroll - and not being really familiar with any of those I am struggling. My sales suck, and its hard to find motivation to keep trying when I keep getting such negative feedback. Yesterday, Cliff talked to me about finding someone to just do sales because we need more money. I love talking to people - and I'll miss it if/when someone replaces me.

But hey, I was supposed to go to school. It seems the goals or whatever that I think I want come out of nowhere sometimes. Maybe I can make anything fit. But most of my goals for the past 4 years have involved helping my family, living more naturally, and feeling like I am making a difference. Andrea suggested a waldorf teacher and it took a lot of reading and soul searching and thought. But it sounded wonderful, and as I read more about it in books and online I realized how different waldorf is than I thought it was. It sounded like such a wonderful opportunity. But then we realized that if I get the loan I would need in order to go to school then we wouldn't be able to get Matt off the mortgage in December. So I can't get funding (which oddly enough was the problem last year), so I can't go to school. It was such a personal blow.

It was such a hard day...but I managed, albeit quietly and to myself..