Saturday, 19 May 2012

changes and ditches

A week ago I was sitting in the van, waiting for a light to change and Hedley's Song Invincible came on the radio. This is significant because a few months back I felt like I was out of the woods. I only realized when hearing this song again, that I still wasn't out of the woods.

I wrote here, or in my written journal, that I was scared. I was scared because fighting this depression was like being a fish fighting to swim upstream. But what really scared me was that I worried that when I finally made it, finally reached the end of the river, I would simply land in a ditch and wonder what I was struggling for anyways, wonder what it was all for. I feel like I am in that ditch now. I have fought, and I am through the constant struggle - but now I am suffocating.

It's been a long battle. So long, that I cant actually remember who I was before. I see pictures: smiling, happy, thin, in love. I don't remember if I liked or disliked that person, but what I do know is that I hate the person I am now.

Depression, and all of this has changed me. It has ripped me of my self confidence. It has taken away my sociability. It has changed me physically. It has changed my chemically. I can actually feel things in my head differently now. Even Andrea says I don't smile like I used to. My heart is heavy, it has been aged. I had thought that making it through the worst would make me stronger, instead what I have found is that I am so weak.

I am alive - yes. I am stable (for the most part) - yes. I am not suicidal - yes. But at what cost? I always wondered if this and medication would change me completely. On some level I knew it would. But I feel like a completely different person now. I dont like that person. And now I am left wondering what the point of trying to save a life only to turn into something so hated and despised.

I don't know what to do, so I trudge forward. Constantly failing. Constantly feeling like I am letting myself and everyone around me down.

This is the new me I suppose.

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