Yesterday was actually a bad day. In some senses it felt good, because I was off and upset for a reason - not just because my mind is a little bit crazy.
First it was/would have been Joah's first birthday. It blows my mind to think of what life would be like. We would probably still be in the green house. We would have a 1 yr old! I wonder what she would be like. I wonder what my role would have been with her. I wonder if she would love me fiercely, or if she would have any knowledge of the uncertainty and drama that encompassed the beginning of her pregnancy. I often wonder if it was that negativity that caused her to feel unloved, unwanted, and thus not want to hold on any longer. So many what if's, so much sadness.
I'm feeling particularly large and unattractive. I have been doing a calorie restriction diet, and trying to power walk/work out for the past 8 weeks or so and have stayed the same weight for 3 weeks now. It's very frustrating and discouraging. I am disgusted by the way I look, but even when I try to change it - I still can't. Yesterday, was just bad - nothing looked good, my hair was a disaster, and I was so bloated. *sigh*
I have gotten a lot of flack at work for the past week or so because my sales haven't been that high. I am trying to do sales, and accounting, and payroll - and not being really familiar with any of those I am struggling. My sales suck, and its hard to find motivation to keep trying when I keep getting such negative feedback. Yesterday, Cliff talked to me about finding someone to just do sales because we need more money. I love talking to people - and I'll miss it if/when someone replaces me.
But hey, I was supposed to go to school. It seems the goals or whatever that I think I want come out of nowhere sometimes. Maybe I can make anything fit. But most of my goals for the past 4 years have involved helping my family, living more naturally, and feeling like I am making a difference. Andrea suggested a waldorf teacher and it took a lot of reading and soul searching and thought. But it sounded wonderful, and as I read more about it in books and online I realized how different waldorf is than I thought it was. It sounded like such a wonderful opportunity. But then we realized that if I get the loan I would need in order to go to school then we wouldn't be able to get Matt off the mortgage in December. So I can't get funding (which oddly enough was the problem last year), so I can't go to school. It was such a personal blow.
It was such a hard day...but I managed, albeit quietly and to myself..