I have dark secrets inside my head - I should share them. But I need to see what they mean, what they are going to do to me. I don't know yet, I am still waiting to find out. Or maybe I already know, and I just can't see it yet. Time will tell, as it always does.
Took an ativan last night. I can't handle things. My house is falling apart. I don't know how I am supposed to be everything to everyone in every way they need while at the same time figuring out who the fuck I am. I have these expectations or ideas or values of the mother I want to be - and I can't/am not that. And it burns my soul. I realized yesterday that Andrea's sees more of my kids in one day than I do in five. What kind of mother am I? I'm supposed to be this awesome marketing person and yet I can't motivate myself to actually do the work. I could be good at it - I think. Maybe I'm afraid to find out either way. I am afraid to succeed - because then there is the chance I will fail. And I am afraid to fail - because I can't afford to. So for now, I merely get by at the bare minimum - just to survive. My family wants me or expects me to feel a certain way about my grandma - but I have no idea what I feel. So I fake what I should be feeling. Death has never really been something that has affected me all that much - maybe I am cold hearted. People ask me how I am - and honestly, I am fine. Death doesn't seem that scary to me. I don't believe that our physical bodies here on this earth are the be all and end all of this existence and just because a physical body isn't here doesn't mean that its a horrible tragedy. Everybody must die - which is why we create memories with them - to sustain us when we cannot see them directly in front of us. But no one ever leaves us entirely. IDK. And then what about me? What do I want to be? idk.
I'm having self harmful thoughts a lot. I really want to act on them. Im sure its a control and anger thing. I feel I have no control, I am not grounded in any way - pain is a way of grounding myself - bringing myself back to the physical. Plus, I am angry - I am angry at myself and only myself, so I want to lash out at myself. I hate myself. I want to destroy this body, destroy this physical being and end up past this existence and rise to that place that is beyond this. What is beyond this? Idk...but I don't seem to fit in here. I need some enlightenment, some perspective. For now, Im just angry and trapped.