A new Medication.
So I hadn't heard from Wiggers by Friday so I called him and he emailed me back that evening. I replied back quite snappily. I don't think he got how serious things were becoming and how fast. I don't think he quite understood what I was doing to myself, I know I still don't.... he told me to call monday and make an appointment.
I guess he read my Friday email monday morning because he emailed me again and told me to come in ASAP. So I went in, thank goodness for a boss that will let me use one of his three cars. We talked and I told him everything. That Im not depressed all the time, but that I cycle so fast. That I can't concentrate at all at work anymore, and that I feel like I could sleep for hours all the time. I told him I look for an escape nearly every night and had been taking sleeping pills or tryptophan to knock myself out. I told him how close to suicide I had been, I laid it all out.
I told him I wanted to try ECT and that was one of my main reasons for not killing myself - it would be cheating to do it if I hadn't tried everything. I told him I didn't know a ton about it, but it was worth it to me. He explained that he didn't think it will work for me for a variety of reasons (age, class of symptoms etc). I told him that I felt like I needed to get back to baseline before any bipolar meds would be able to stabilize my moods. I told him that I need help accepting myself and being okay with me, and its the self loathing and others' judgment (or my perceived judgement) that causes me great pain. He wants to try one more med.
So I am now trying abilify - its the one with the horrible commercial that everyone makes fun of because it's list of side effects make up 2/3 of the commercial. I dont know. I took it last night. I felt so nauseous this morning, and it took me a while to fall asleep - but that could be nothing. Who knows.
I think I will email him and have him put me on the ECT outpatient list just in case - I can always be taken off if the abilify works.
Im so tired of medications.