Monday, 30 July 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 3

Sigh....

Ive been trying so hard. Running or working out nearly every day, eating well. I've gained 3 lbs in 6 days. My official weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm crossing my fingers that the 3lbs was a fluke or something.

My goal jeans, that could at least do up before, are like 3" too small. I look at Andrea and am so jealous - I hate that. I am not jealous of her working out or running - I know in my heart as frustrating as it is, that I will build speed and strength. But I am so jealous of the way she looks. She is so gorgeous, and so in shape looking. Even her hair is gorgeous. She has such feminine curves.

I dont want to be her, I just want to not be classified as obese according to my BMI. I don't want to see cellulite or find anymore stretchmarks. I don't want to not fit into size 36 pants because I'm so large. I don't want to hate the way I look all the time.

I feel like this has been a constant battle for like 5 months now, and I am no further along now than I was when I started. I swear I am eating healthy, and am actually giving it my all on workouts etc. Yet....jiggle jiggle.

Where did my thinner self go? She is trapped. I am worried she will never get out and this is just going to be my size and I have to get used to it. I am scared the inderal and increased lamotrigine will make me gain weight and slow my metabolism. I scared I'll gain more, I'm terrified of hitting 180 or higher. I am teetering on the verge of it.

We are who we are



I threw out my knife I used to cut before.

Progress.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

More Drugs

So the ect waitlist, which I was never taken off of, hasn't moved at all. This means it is a minimum of 4 weeks before I can start - assuming things start moving, I doubt they will. I told wiggers how I had been feeling, how many times I had been suicidal, what I had done about it and he suggested upping the abilify (which is what caused the anxiety, can't sit stillness), upping the lamotrigine slowly to 200mg (Im on 75mg now) and adding another drug called Inderal to help with the anxiety caused by the upped abilify. Inderal lowers my bloodpressure, and potentially will make me dizzy, nauseous, tired, change my vision (yay - with the upped lamotrigine already making it hard to see, Im sure Ill be blind now), and trouble sleeping.

The upped abilify will cause an increase in anxiety, sexual side effects, tiredness, nasuea, vomitting - you know the usual.

These very likely won't happen to me, but really...another medication, upping the others - when does it end. When do the meds stop?

Monday, 23 July 2012

ECT

I'm tired of waiting for stabilization, and I'm tired of waiting for the hospital. Its time I be more proactive for me and do what I think will work.

I've told wiggers, through email, that I want to be put on the wait list for ECT. He took me off when I went on the wait list for the hospital. I want ECT. I want to try something. Sitting around and waiting isn't helping.

I'm being self hateful, and self destructive, and nothing is really changing when it comes to my lows.

It's my turn to take control.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Eyes

So I have been having a lot of difficulty with my eyes. Its been increasing and getting worse for like 3 months but the last week has been absolutely brutal. I can't read more than a page or two, I can't drive more than like 10 minutes without my eyes going all cross-eyed, blurry and them wanting to close. I hate it and it feels so unsafe.

So I went to the eye doctor today. He told me there is nothing wrong with my eyes. He says he sees it often with lamotrigine. He said there is nothing he can do. I can maybe wear a patch on my left eye, but really?

These meds and this disease have taken everything. From my being, to my pride, to my relationships, to my body, and now my eyesight. It's awful.

I'm actually angry about this...its just one more thing.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Better or Worse

So...I thought I was doing better. I had three good days in a row. And then I crashed...and I crashed hard. Andrea and I had a conversation where we acted as each others best friends again instead of girlfriends - and it hit me hard how affected she is. I mean I knew it, but not in her words, and now I know it at a cellular level. It pains me and aches my heart to know how much this is hurting her. I don't regret her telling me, and it hasn't made anything worse, maybe it has motivated me more to find it within myself to get better. I'm not sure, but it did no harm.

So, on that note, I have decided, for sure, to go into the hospital when it is offered to me. I don't understand what is taking so long. I wonder if Wiggers even put me on the list. I am going to confirm this with him when he gets back. A part of me thinks he doesn't understand how low my lows are and how they need something to manage them. I can't be taking Ativan or going to bed at 8:30 for the rest of my life. I don't know what the hospital can do for me, but it's worth trying.

Part of me still thinks, and has thought for nearly a year now, that ECT would work for me. If I don't hear back from the hospital soon, I'm going to request going on that waitlist as well. I know it's drastic, but that's kind of how I am. I go big. My depression is big, when it's around. It takes over my life and my thoughts.

This weekend I actually had a moment of all out sobbing that could not be stopped. It just kept going. It was so intense. And then with everything else - life just got overwhelming.

I cut again a couple of weeks ago. This time on the side of my wrist. I wanted it visible to me always, and I wanted it close to death - if that makes sense. I've never cut so close to my wrist, and I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything, I just knew how desperate I was and wanted something to take me to that point. I did hold the knife to my wrist - not at all intending to do anything, but just to...see? idk. But this was definitely a first. This is what I mean by I still need help and what I'm doing isn't working.

I am trying to run every other day, eating better, trying to ingest healthier foods (organic, whole, raw etc) and my body is starting to feel better (not weight wise yet), but my brain just wont catch up.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Yup

I have never realized how much I hate myself to the core. I realized today that I do not deserve my spirit, I am doing it a disservice and it should go to another being another entity. It has nothing or little to do with my life, and more to do with me - who I am. I never had truly hated all of me as I do now.

Yup.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

More meds

I don't even know where I am on med updates....I am on 10mg of cipralex, 75mg of lamotrigine, some amount of abilify, and some amount of wellbutrin. I can't fathom that it takes me that many medications daily to make me sane....it baffles, sickens, and saddens me greatly.

The thing is I don't know if it's working. I'm meditating, which is an activity for me. I know it'll be easier with practice - but right now its so hard to do.

I find myself easily hating myself when I disappointing people I am trying to impress. Maybe that means I should stop trying to impress other people. That's exactly what it means, I'm sure of it - but I can't help it. I just feel like such a disappointment to everyone. My mom dislikes me for what I do and who I am with, Andrea hates the disease because it has become so much a part of me, Craig I am sure is disappointed in me for not making our marriage work, then there is stupid things like I feel like a disappointment to Jeremy at work because I have a crush on him but can't make him feel the same. I miss someone chasing me, or wanting me. I like to flirt but I have no one to flirt with anymore. At least with Tom and Ken and Dave I did.

Then there is the hatred for my weight. I am trying to not be okay with it, but...I don't know. I lost 5lbs. There is a healthy store in town that sells all organic, vegan, etc food and since the boys started bringing me smoothies (which have become my lunch) I have been feeling healthier. Maybe I just need to consume all my calories through liquids I can drink all through the day. I'm aware...hello water. But god I am disgusting - rolls, stretchmarks, jiggles....gross.

Plus now I think I need glasses. So now I'll be the fat butch lesbian with glasses.....

Monday, 2 July 2012

Meds Meds Time Away

Ao the cipralex was good, but even on its strongest dose it wasn't lasting. Even taking downing the epival didn't help as I was sent hypomanic. So he put ne on wellbutrin, and that saw no change in my suicidal or self harm thinking - so he decided to put me on abilify. Abilify is that drug that has akk those connercials where the risk of side effects is longer than the commercial.

Within 6 days n abilify I was experienc ing kinasesia (or something like that) where you are all jittery and angry and can't sit still. Sort of like mania, but without the happiness. It honestly feels like part of your brain and body are going crazy. It got worse and I actually managed to get him while he was at a conference. He told ne stop the abilify for 3 days and then go on half of what I was taking. We are still slowing the epival. The first day back on the abilify, I became half all jittery and half manic.

To this date, today, I am like a sleep walker...Idk. Im all fuzzy and frazzled, and can't remember things. I have another appoinment on the 6th.

I've also been put on the waitlist to be admitted to the hospital for a detox program for all the meds I've taken. Maybe find the right one. Who knows when I;ll get in.

I'm also worried about getting addicted to Ativan. I have an addictive personality.

RUNNING...is well happenning. Meditation is trying to happen. Im tryng to make strides....