Monday, 16 July 2012

Better or Worse

So...I thought I was doing better. I had three good days in a row. And then I crashed...and I crashed hard. Andrea and I had a conversation where we acted as each others best friends again instead of girlfriends - and it hit me hard how affected she is. I mean I knew it, but not in her words, and now I know it at a cellular level. It pains me and aches my heart to know how much this is hurting her. I don't regret her telling me, and it hasn't made anything worse, maybe it has motivated me more to find it within myself to get better. I'm not sure, but it did no harm.

So, on that note, I have decided, for sure, to go into the hospital when it is offered to me. I don't understand what is taking so long. I wonder if Wiggers even put me on the list. I am going to confirm this with him when he gets back. A part of me thinks he doesn't understand how low my lows are and how they need something to manage them. I can't be taking Ativan or going to bed at 8:30 for the rest of my life. I don't know what the hospital can do for me, but it's worth trying.

Part of me still thinks, and has thought for nearly a year now, that ECT would work for me. If I don't hear back from the hospital soon, I'm going to request going on that waitlist as well. I know it's drastic, but that's kind of how I am. I go big. My depression is big, when it's around. It takes over my life and my thoughts.

This weekend I actually had a moment of all out sobbing that could not be stopped. It just kept going. It was so intense. And then with everything else - life just got overwhelming.

I cut again a couple of weeks ago. This time on the side of my wrist. I wanted it visible to me always, and I wanted it close to death - if that makes sense. I've never cut so close to my wrist, and I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything, I just knew how desperate I was and wanted something to take me to that point. I did hold the knife to my wrist - not at all intending to do anything, but just to...see? idk. But this was definitely a first. This is what I mean by I still need help and what I'm doing isn't working.

I am trying to run every other day, eating better, trying to ingest healthier foods (organic, whole, raw etc) and my body is starting to feel better (not weight wise yet), but my brain just wont catch up.

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