Tuesday, 10 July 2012

More meds

I don't even know where I am on med updates....I am on 10mg of cipralex, 75mg of lamotrigine, some amount of abilify, and some amount of wellbutrin. I can't fathom that it takes me that many medications daily to make me sane....it baffles, sickens, and saddens me greatly.

The thing is I don't know if it's working. I'm meditating, which is an activity for me. I know it'll be easier with practice - but right now its so hard to do.

I find myself easily hating myself when I disappointing people I am trying to impress. Maybe that means I should stop trying to impress other people. That's exactly what it means, I'm sure of it - but I can't help it. I just feel like such a disappointment to everyone. My mom dislikes me for what I do and who I am with, Andrea hates the disease because it has become so much a part of me, Craig I am sure is disappointed in me for not making our marriage work, then there is stupid things like I feel like a disappointment to Jeremy at work because I have a crush on him but can't make him feel the same. I miss someone chasing me, or wanting me. I like to flirt but I have no one to flirt with anymore. At least with Tom and Ken and Dave I did.

Then there is the hatred for my weight. I am trying to not be okay with it, but...I don't know. I lost 5lbs. There is a healthy store in town that sells all organic, vegan, etc food and since the boys started bringing me smoothies (which have become my lunch) I have been feeling healthier. Maybe I just need to consume all my calories through liquids I can drink all through the day. I'm aware...hello water. But god I am disgusting - rolls, stretchmarks, jiggles....gross.

Plus now I think I need glasses. So now I'll be the fat butch lesbian with glasses.....

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