Monday, 30 July 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 3

Sigh....

Ive been trying so hard. Running or working out nearly every day, eating well. I've gained 3 lbs in 6 days. My official weigh in is tomorrow morning. I'm crossing my fingers that the 3lbs was a fluke or something.

My goal jeans, that could at least do up before, are like 3" too small. I look at Andrea and am so jealous - I hate that. I am not jealous of her working out or running - I know in my heart as frustrating as it is, that I will build speed and strength. But I am so jealous of the way she looks. She is so gorgeous, and so in shape looking. Even her hair is gorgeous. She has such feminine curves.

I dont want to be her, I just want to not be classified as obese according to my BMI. I don't want to see cellulite or find anymore stretchmarks. I don't want to not fit into size 36 pants because I'm so large. I don't want to hate the way I look all the time.

I feel like this has been a constant battle for like 5 months now, and I am no further along now than I was when I started. I swear I am eating healthy, and am actually giving it my all on workouts etc. Yet....jiggle jiggle.

Where did my thinner self go? She is trapped. I am worried she will never get out and this is just going to be my size and I have to get used to it. I am scared the inderal and increased lamotrigine will make me gain weight and slow my metabolism. I scared I'll gain more, I'm terrified of hitting 180 or higher. I am teetering on the verge of it.

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