Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Blah Blah

I started Metformin. It is an anti-diabetic drug designed to decrease the risk of getting type 2 diabetes, especially in those who are overweight or obese. It feels great to be on it. But if it helps me lose weight - then I guess its all right. The average is 13-18 pounds in 8 weeks - after week 1 I have lost nothing. But I didn't gain which is different than the last 8 weeks where I have gained. So I suppose that's something. Here's hoping for a loss next week.

I continue to feel better. I still tend to take my anger or irritability out on people, but am trying to take the first step by recognizing and apologizing for it. I'm aware that doesn't take away the transgression, but I'm hoping that by recognizing it I will begin to be able to stop it before it happens. It's one of my biggest issues right now I think. Then again, I don't live with me lol.

I'm also having some issues concentrating at work - though that me be laziness, or being used to slacking when I really couldn't function. I'm trying to motivate myself but it isn't really working. I have a pile of random tasks I keep putting off that really need to get done. I just need to sit down and do them. Here's hoping tomorrow I can buckle down and get 'er all done.

I saw Mark again and we got to work a little on the EMDR, apparently there is a lot of pre-work to be done, which gives me some hope for its effectiveness. I still have an issue thinking that saying that everything is caused from my past is a bit of a cop out. Everyone has a past yk. Maybe its more your past affects your habits and beliefs and those need to be adjusted. Everyone's pasts affect their habits. Maybe mine are just bad habits - lord knows I have had those before.

Andrea has been broken for a little while (about a week), so I have had the opportunity to take care of her. It's felt wonderful to be the one able to do that for her. It makes me feel useful instead of just being a taker all the time. I like taking care of her.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 6

So I went and saw a trainer yesterday. I was blunt with her and told her how embarrassed I was to be there and why. I told her how I have gained 11lbs in 4 weeks, and how impossible every thing to do with this seemed. I was honest with her about my food, including coffees. I was honest about my meds. And then....then...

We get to her form. You have to fill out medical history and she asks them out loud. I was doing all fine until she asks "obesity?" you see no one that I know of has been classified as obese - except for me, so I had to say yes for myself - out loud in front of a trainer who is 22weeks pregnant and small and perfect looking. It felt awful, like a knife in my stomach.

It was really at that point how big I have allowed myself to become. I am classified obese, and not even by a little bit. That's an awful awful feeling.

That couples with Andrea and my decision we made last night - can't say what it is. It's my choice really, I have partially chosen this path which makes it both easier and harder.

I HATE BIPOLAR. It has taken over my life and affected everything. There has been no good to it, the longer this goes on the more it seems to take from my life. It has changed everything. I'm not even close to the same person I used to be, I'm fat, I'm unstable, I've had medical choices taken away from me - it's just all take take take.

What will bipolar eventually give back to me, or is this just something I am sentenced with and have to endure for the rest of my life? moreover, is this something Andrea has to endure for the rest of her life with me.

Sometimes, it's just too much.

Fat Fat Obese.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 5

I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown last night. (Sidenote: I really should have meditated afterwards to balance myself and for it not to affect me as much today.) My weight is constantly on my mind, especially after my Tuesday weigh in.

I feel the pressure from Andrea - not in what she says, that helps, but in her energy level to do a workout once a day and to run every other day. I wish I had that energy and the time during the day to do it. I don't and I need to accept that. I need to accept that it's going to go faster for her because she does have those things. I need to accept my own personal limitations in order to make any forward progress on this.

And yet, anytime I think about it, I am brought to tears and feel so defeated. Last night I was sobbing, on the floor. I nearly puked several times during my workout because I couldn't breathe properly due to my inability to stop crying. I did it though. Half heartedly, and without intense intention.

My tears and sadness and all out depression runs deep. If my depression is caused by my weight and my weight is caused (or at least not helped) by my meds, I wonder if my depression would be better if I stopped my meds. Maybe then I'd lose weight a little bit and my depression would lighten.

Something to think about, that's for sure.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 4

I've gained another pound. I'm now the highest weight I have been since birthing my first kid. It's enough to make me want to quit. Honestly. Yesterday I didn't sit down until 10:00pm because I was busy walking dogs and working out. What's the point in wasting my evenings running and working out if I get no results. What's the point at all if I just keep getting heavier.

Andrea suggests eating even more calories, and I've decided to try it for two more weeks. Two weeks of eating when I'm not hungry and losing my evenings, and working my ass off mentally and emotionally. Two weeks. If after two weeks I have gained or stayed the same I'm trying something else.

Fasting, starving myself, HcG shots - I don't care - I need to drop some weight fast - bad things are going to happen. I've already said how my weight is the thing that drops me into a depression, and that's where I am today. I don't weight myself during the week for this very reason - I know I can't handle it emotionally. But once a week I like to check the progress I'm making...or I guess, lack thereof.

IDK... I'm frustrated and I want to give up. I'm fat and disgusted with myself. My clothes, my fat clothes, are getting tighter - soon they will be goal clothes. I'm done buying clothes, I'm done feeling good about my body. I don't feel at all pretty, or attractive, or beautiful. I'm now even more scared to be intimate with Andrea, or to change in front of people. I'm so ashamed of my body, so ashamed of myself.

I'm just a sad...fat..."girl"

Monday, 13 August 2012

Inderal Update

So Ive been on the inderal for about 3 weeks now I guess, so the side effects are in full swing.

The biggest one is the dizziness. I don't get lightheaded when standing most of the time, but sometimes, a lot of the time, when I am running or walking, it just hits me and my whole body tingles and my head just wants to give out. It's quite overwhelming at times and I have to sit down or rest or otherwise stop my activity - except running - I refuse to stop that.

I also have been having crazy vivid dreams. They are so real feeling and yet so abnormal and crazy. I have dreamt about everyone I know, have ever known, and some people I feel I do know even though when I wake up I have no idea who they are. It can be quite terrifying sometimes when I can't tell reality from my dreams.

Minor ones include peeing a ton, slower heart rate, weight gain (though small thus far), and yeah I think thats it.

Overall, I think my 8 pill a day med combo seems to be working. I feel more stable and happier. My biggest challenge is not being brought down by my physical appearance; it's what can throw me into deep depressional feelings very easily. This includes suicidal thoughts, self harm desires, and general hopelessness. I know Andrea is sick of hearing about this - but like she cried daily about being unable to run, I cry daily about being unable to lose weight. We both have our battles and I have issues keeping them to myself. But it pretty much rules my life, and I am so self conscious going out in public, and when I see people. It's hard being fat - not just emotionally. Just yesterday my son called me unhealthy because I'm bigger than Andrea and she is healthy - not too skinny and not too fat in his words. I know I'm at an unhealthy weight, but I'm trying...but I just keep gaining.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

3 and 1

I think the pills may be working. I feel more balanced throughout the day - which is a good thing. I am still quick to a suicidal level of depression, and I still have many issues - but maybe we are getting to the point where my meds will be managed and therapy will be what helps me. Bad thing is, I can't really afford therapy - its so bloody expensive. It sucks that you have to pay sooo much money to get help. What do people do when they are broker than I am? How do they even manage?

My biggest issue is still my weight. I am eating more calories, though not as many as some silly calculator Andrea says I should be following - and running or doing runlets every other day (I used to say that I wouldn't call them runlets until after I was running double digit times, but even now at twenty minutes it's still not 30 and thus...to me...still seems like a runlet. Plus I am going so slow I mind as well be speed walking.) Yet, even through that I am not losing anything yet.

On a positive (though its not positive, but the talking about it was) I told Andrea that I am jealous of her. She informed me that she was jealous of me before. This helped. It helped to actually be able to say the words to her and have her not be shocked by them, and it helped to know that she was in the same position as me before. Its a hard one to be on, and now knowing both sides - well, I think I'd pick the thinner one. Its easier to have someone be jealous or envious of you than it is to be the green eyed monster. It was nice to not feel so alone with this, and to think of it from the standpoint of us understanding each other better. Afterall, if we both know what it's like to be in the other persons shoes, it makes it easier to handle and deal with each other - I think anyways.

Regardless, I still cry about my weight and appearance once a day minimum. Today I cried in a dressing room when I realized I'd be buying extra large clothes....extra large.....extra....seriously? When did that happen? I couldn't even try the extra large shirt on. I just bought it, embarassingly, and left the store near tears. How did I become that large and unhealthy?

My eyes still suck. Which is frustrating because it makes me fall asleep. Which is annoying to all. Its hard to sit there for 5-10 minutes at a time with your eyes closed because they ache or you can't see without getting tired and wanting to sleep or downright falling asleep. Sometimes I succeed in avoiding it - other times it feels like I can't help it. And still, other times I just need a nap in the middle of the day to refresh myself...and I think thats okay - better than getting irritable and miserable.

This time....3 steps forward and only 1 step back.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

EMDR and Psychotherapy

I went back to see Mark. I haven't seen him since August 8th of 2011. So it was almost a year to the date - very weird.

It was weird to see him again. I felt like a failure, and also felt a little skeptical on if he could help me, after all I saw him before - everyone said it did help me.

He suggested I try EMDR, eye movement desensitization something. I've done some reading on it, and like tapping, its a little out there - but I'm fine with out there. After all, I am a little weird.

Things are going better. I'm trying to stop myself from getting into a suicidal mood. And sometimes its hard. I tried to cut yesterday, for example, and couldn't even do that properly so I got even more upset. It seems all I do is extremes.

Exercise and what not is still happening. I've been pretty good at keeping it up and I'm proud of myself. I'm also doing some art at work (I only wish I could create on paper what is in my head), and meditating - and that seems to be helping to relax me.