Sunday, 5 August 2012

3 and 1

I think the pills may be working. I feel more balanced throughout the day - which is a good thing. I am still quick to a suicidal level of depression, and I still have many issues - but maybe we are getting to the point where my meds will be managed and therapy will be what helps me. Bad thing is, I can't really afford therapy - its so bloody expensive. It sucks that you have to pay sooo much money to get help. What do people do when they are broker than I am? How do they even manage?

My biggest issue is still my weight. I am eating more calories, though not as many as some silly calculator Andrea says I should be following - and running or doing runlets every other day (I used to say that I wouldn't call them runlets until after I was running double digit times, but even now at twenty minutes it's still not 30 and me...still seems like a runlet. Plus I am going so slow I mind as well be speed walking.) Yet, even through that I am not losing anything yet.

On a positive (though its not positive, but the talking about it was) I told Andrea that I am jealous of her. She informed me that she was jealous of me before. This helped. It helped to actually be able to say the words to her and have her not be shocked by them, and it helped to know that she was in the same position as me before. Its a hard one to be on, and now knowing both sides - well, I think I'd pick the thinner one. Its easier to have someone be jealous or envious of you than it is to be the green eyed monster. It was nice to not feel so alone with this, and to think of it from the standpoint of us understanding each other better. Afterall, if we both know what it's like to be in the other persons shoes, it makes it easier to handle and deal with each other - I think anyways.

Regardless, I still cry about my weight and appearance once a day minimum. Today I cried in a dressing room when I realized I'd be buying extra large clothes....extra large.....extra....seriously? When did that happen? I couldn't even try the extra large shirt on. I just bought it, embarassingly, and left the store near tears. How did I become that large and unhealthy?

My eyes still suck. Which is frustrating because it makes me fall asleep. Which is annoying to all. Its hard to sit there for 5-10 minutes at a time with your eyes closed because they ache or you can't see without getting tired and wanting to sleep or downright falling asleep. Sometimes I succeed in avoiding it - other times it feels like I can't help it. And still, other times I just need a nap in the middle of the day to refresh myself...and I think thats okay - better than getting irritable and miserable.

This time....3 steps forward and only 1 step back.

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