Monday, 13 August 2012

Inderal Update

So Ive been on the inderal for about 3 weeks now I guess, so the side effects are in full swing.

The biggest one is the dizziness. I don't get lightheaded when standing most of the time, but sometimes, a lot of the time, when I am running or walking, it just hits me and my whole body tingles and my head just wants to give out. It's quite overwhelming at times and I have to sit down or rest or otherwise stop my activity - except running - I refuse to stop that.

I also have been having crazy vivid dreams. They are so real feeling and yet so abnormal and crazy. I have dreamt about everyone I know, have ever known, and some people I feel I do know even though when I wake up I have no idea who they are. It can be quite terrifying sometimes when I can't tell reality from my dreams.

Minor ones include peeing a ton, slower heart rate, weight gain (though small thus far), and yeah I think thats it.

Overall, I think my 8 pill a day med combo seems to be working. I feel more stable and happier. My biggest challenge is not being brought down by my physical appearance; it's what can throw me into deep depressional feelings very easily. This includes suicidal thoughts, self harm desires, and general hopelessness. I know Andrea is sick of hearing about this - but like she cried daily about being unable to run, I cry daily about being unable to lose weight. We both have our battles and I have issues keeping them to myself. But it pretty much rules my life, and I am so self conscious going out in public, and when I see people. It's hard being fat - not just emotionally. Just yesterday my son called me unhealthy because I'm bigger than Andrea and she is healthy - not too skinny and not too fat in his words. I know I'm at an unhealthy weight, but I'm trying...but I just keep gaining.

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