Thursday, 16 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 5

I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown last night. (Sidenote: I really should have meditated afterwards to balance myself and for it not to affect me as much today.) My weight is constantly on my mind, especially after my Tuesday weigh in.

I feel the pressure from Andrea - not in what she says, that helps, but in her energy level to do a workout once a day and to run every other day. I wish I had that energy and the time during the day to do it. I don't and I need to accept that. I need to accept that it's going to go faster for her because she does have those things. I need to accept my own personal limitations in order to make any forward progress on this.

And yet, anytime I think about it, I am brought to tears and feel so defeated. Last night I was sobbing, on the floor. I nearly puked several times during my workout because I couldn't breathe properly due to my inability to stop crying. I did it though. Half heartedly, and without intense intention.

My tears and sadness and all out depression runs deep. If my depression is caused by my weight and my weight is caused (or at least not helped) by my meds, I wonder if my depression would be better if I stopped my meds. Maybe then I'd lose weight a little bit and my depression would lighten.

Something to think about, that's for sure.

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